Was this a Kundalini awakening?

[Clueless]

Hello all, I am exhilarated to have found this forum, as if by chance this morning. I have been reading it all day, hungrily, and was surprised at how many things stated here coincide with my own experience. Especially the unexplained thing which I had been calling "the heat" all along. Encouraged by the kind replies offered here I figured I'd come out of the Kundalini closet, and reach out. The Mystress and the Lineage appear extremely knowledgeable and I'm hoping they can help. Apologies in advance for the huge post.

My first experience with this was under psychedelic drugs, around the age of 30. It happened progressively during several intense trips. During one of them, I had a rather unsettling experience where I felt female! (I'm a guy) My wife was trip sitter, and the feeling was so strong that I risked emasculation and I asked her if I am perchance gay? During another trip, I felt like I was my mother!! Really strange feeling, I still cannot explain it / rationalize it. I still had my own memories but I felt like a different person! I decided to sort of close off those feelings as I am not sure how to respond, and they felt destabilizing.

The psychedelic trips continued in smaller doses, and during one (very euphoric) trance, I felt something jolt up my spine, very quickly, once or twice. It first felt like the "caduceus", two things twisting up my spine very rapidly. The trip intensified and to my great surprise I wrote in my journal: "I am the Goddess", among many other semi-automated writings. Afterwards I looked it up, but it was much too generic and there were too many results. I had no idea what to make of that. And today, I noticed that the Goddess is mentioned everywhere throughout this forum.

Some things happened afterwards, including very lucid dreams, the ability to draw (I'd never drawn in my life!), as well as a slight precognition. The latter wowed me at first, but by now I take it for granted and just smile. The drawing lasted a few months, and then the inspiration as well as the desire to do it, both ceased. I was also quite musical, and bought and educated myself in a few different ones. Any musical snippet would flow very easily, all I had to do was listen.

But, that wasn't the end of it all. In subsequent trips, there would be this intensifying heat in the space right below my navel. A space a few inches wide, like a horizontal oval maybe. Also, searing heat in what I believe to be the second chakra, or maybe the prostate? There was also the need to breathe very deeply, for the first hour or so. My stomach spasmed and contracted, over and over and over quite fast (a few times per second). Felt very good. I tried copying this process while sober, to see if it can be duplicated. Alas, I don't have the strength to do this for a whole hour, I get distracted and feel like doing other things

These effects prompted me to do research. At the time, I had only heard in passing about Kundalini. With a heavy Christian background, all these notions about a mystical force that comes as a serpent could only be from the devil. There was a lot of fear and doubt, even though physically, the process was intensely pleasurable. Of course, the pleasure also brought the guilt - how can I be having SO much fun, and is this acceptable - which of course generated more mental hangups.

I need to specify, I was not "trying" to raise anything, I had no intention to do anything other than have some fun tripping. All of the theories about Kundalini, and yogas, and pranayamas, all that stuff happened after the fact, as a way for me to make sense of things. And then, these things started happening and with them, a host of other effects.

Firstly, the heat! After tons of research, the closest I got was the gtummo yoga, but all I could find was one tiny book that barely explained anything. I would feel this "heat" first thing in the morning usually, and it was the signal of a great day. Whenever I felt it, I knew I'd be creative & inspired, and not depressed the whole day. It was a very pleasurable, tingly sensation, like "butterflies in the stomach", and it would subside when the evening came.

Yoga did not have a very clear explanation for the heat, as it seemed to be originating somewhere between the second and third chakras. The Chinese seemed to nail it with their Lower Dan Tian, but then I could not relate at all to anything else from that system. Yoga seemed like the way to go, together with pranayama.

The symptoms continued for as long as the trips did. I read hundreds of trip reports from others, and all I could find were mostly scattered references and horrible experiences in general. My story was nothing but orgasmic bliss, how could this be wrong?

The research continued, I started various pranayamas and yogas. I felt no inclination to do any of this stuff before, I always thought yoga, tai chi and all that stuff was nonsense. But actually feeling the flow of energy can really change one's mind. When the heat was present, all it took was just a little attention and the energy centres would immediately spark to life. Without the 'heat', it's like trying to drive a car without fuel.

I had days (in-between trips) when I felt like I was pure love, ready to forgive anything. Nothing could shake me, and every negative thing had a silver lining. I managed to identify / intensify the root and second chakras very easily, and also the brow. Everything else in-between, no feeling.

This 'heat' lasted for days after each strong trip, it would come on and off, and eventually went away as I was unable to continue psychedelics. Smoking sativas seemed to trigger multiple and full body orgasms, and my prowess was incredible, like I was 20 again. The multiple O's led me to look into sperm conservation theories, and what do you know, there's a whole system for that too! Tried that for a few weeks, yet another dead end - plus my wife was getting antsy!

[Clueless]

Continuing the story...


Smoked sativas would also sometimes become overwhelming, and sometimes trigger body tremors. I discovered that holding the breath seemed to calm the tremors. Holding the breath out also felt very good, felt like I could stay on the exhale forever - any ideas why?

Sometimes, I'd be greeted with a mini-orgasm as I was falling asleep (strangely, only on my left side).

Another time, during still another trip, I felt intense heat right in the tailbone. Happy music would intensify it and increase the euphoria. The heat became quite intense, and it poked through something at the base of my spine, which later I found to be the first of three knots. The resistance was great(er) this first time, and when it did break through there was a physical sensation, like something got pierced through, and then it shot straight up my spine. On later trips, it went right through with minimal resistance in that particular spot.

Now, all this was a lot of fun! By now I'd read a ton of yoga theories, all of them warning me that K is super dangerous, not to be messed with, and definitely not without a guru! Where the heck would I find a guru in Canada?? A quick google search revealed countless gurus offering services... whom do I trust?? Plus, virtually every book I read required the impossible: to be celibate (I'm married), to eat nothing but vegan (I love meat!), and to quit all drugs - as if. Doing yoga without psychs was entirely dry, felt kind of silly and my mind could not stay fixed on the practice, instead all the mundane stuff came rushing in.

Regardless, stubborn as I am, and figuring I am onto something huge, I plodded on. The symptoms were unsettling, but so far nothing but pure pleasure.

One night, on one such trip (not a very intense one at all), while smoking a sativa I felt the usual sensation in my abdomen. I started sort of meditating on it, and this time it did something different. As I was meditating on it, I heard what sounded like my own voice in my head, saying "Ok, now don't panic" , and immediately something poppedinside my belly, and then expanded so much, that my stomach felt like I had swallowed a balloon! No pain whatsoever, nothing but bliss and a growing sense of panic. I am sure now, that my fear stopped what could've been something amazing, but what?? For about an hour or two afterwards, I paced the room feeling my tender stomach, thinking I had burst an intestine or something. My wife assured me I'd be in a great deal of pain if that were the case, but the strangeness of it did not help at all. What could this have been?

Next day, and the days after, heat. Also, smoking sativas would cause tremors.
But also most interestingly, this thing which for lack of better name I started calling "the pokey finger". It happened several times, right after the experiences above, and it felt like a very small but pleasurably burning sensation going about in my abdomen. It traced my guts, it went here and there, going around organs, as if "inventorying" my body. It literally poked my organs, and in a few spots it waited and sort of rapidly "trembled" there for a few seconds, and then "poof" something would loosen up in that spot and feel very very good. It particulary lingered where my missing appendix used to be. This thing felt purposeful, it felt downright intelligent. It felt like it knew me far better than I knew myself. It did this a few times, on different days, and then it slowly subsided too. The process was entirely pleasant, not a trace of pain - if anything, I felt like I was in top physical shape! But then the irrational fear...

At this point, I was really lost. Things were getting a little bit too strange, and I was willing to go for it but no idea if I was doing the right thing. Plus, the scary Serpent symbol. Plus, all the yoga books telling me to stop. I read and absorbed as much as I could, but in the end all systems seemed to have some things in common, and to disagree on other things. No definitive answer.

Life got in the way, and this process stopped after a few days. Together with it went my newly-found ability to compose music, to draw as well as to "see" things in ajna. I remember, at the time I was so freaked out by this stuff and by not having any guidance, that I kind of wanted it to stop.

It has been 4 years since. I have not felt the "heat" as I have not been able to take any psychedelics since.

So after this long story, I guess my question is: was this really Kundalini? Was it just some chakra opening? Can anybody relate to, or explain some of these things to me? I'd love to hear any comments at all! Thank you in advance.

[Clueless]

Hey Mods, is there any way to delete a post? I cannot find a delete button anywhere!

[Mystress]

  Sorry clueless, pandemic has me quite distracted from tending this forum.

  I will delete if you like but I hate to do it, is a wonderful story.

  You already know it was kundalini, you do not need me to answer that.

  You are right too, this is the only place to get insights. Not too many ascended teachers around.

  Serious question: Do you ever feel like you are invisible? 

  So, the thing that burst, was about mid way between your navel and public bone? You mention stomach and abdomen, not too precise. Blissing out on that point until it burst is how I became ascended too, in 1996. Have not had a cold or flu since. 

  The proper term for the attainment is Vajra Diamond Body. Is not quite the highest attainment possible but close to it. Spiritual immortality, the energy body has become quantum and does not dissipate at death but remains as a vessel for the soul to play. Like all those dead gurus who are very present when you call on them.

  References: Muktananda wrote a bit about the pearl at second chakra. He said it is a bubble of non-duality in duality. He was also something of a sexual predator. Celibacy is not sustainable if that center is awake. Why do they pretend? Patriarchs...

  He didn't say anything about breaking it, that is my teaching. What you felt, the non-dual energy flowing out to transform your whole energy body to a non-dual state. Ascended.

   I have been away, preoccupied with writing a free ebook teaching people how to become ascended by breaking the pearl, because coronaviruses do not exist in the higher dimensional universe.  Pandemic escape plan. However it appears being grounded also conveys immunity, Goddess' peace.

The past few years, it is funny how many people I have encountered who were ascended and did not know it. It is a little bit dangerous as you have discovered because you suddenly have massive magical power for your thoughts to shape your reality, a spiritual Master but lack the training of mental discipline to be mindful of your thoughts and avoid accidental manifestations or migrations. You were scared and wanted it to stop, so it did. You migrated to a dimensional universe where it doesn't exist.

  The attainment turns you into a quantum being, potentially already everywhere and every when, and the navigation system is focus. You got scared. gave energy to that fear and migrated to a dimension where the power feels like it got squished.

   You got what you wanted... kinda boring eh? Fear is excitement is necessity of invention, is where the creative is born from. Alchemy.

  I think you are stuck there because your path was so forced. Entheogens and pranyama are ways of blowing the gates open. Good you stopped. The imperative of kundalini, is surrender. So even though you have attained, you are, as you say, clueless. You have to take a different approach. Your new mantra "It will be as Goddess wills."

  White tantra is celibate, black tantra is sexual. Nothing to do with black magic, it is the two sides of the Dao, male and fem. Black tantra is Goddess worship. All acts of love and pleasure serve. White tantra is about control, semen conservation, celibacy, controlling the breath etc. Have to let that all go now.

  Emotions, life, everything is connected. In your fear, discomfort you thought to shut down one thing, and instead shut down a lot of other things not realizing they are all part of the whole.

   There is no creativity in ascension, we descend, to grow more. It is the mix of light and dark together, processing the karma stuff that fires up the Muse. Boddhisattva or boredom, your choice. Eat karma then do art. 

  Look for a funnel shaped vortex near your power chakra, wide end facing front. You might also find something like a sphere, crack it open. If you find one, (not everybody has it) then grab some ambient karma misery from the world and chuck it in.  If you do not find anything there, then do the same but pull it into your heart chakra.

  Let me know what you find.

   

[Clueless]

Mystress, I am humbled by the detailed and insightful reply, thank you for taking the time to reply personally, I did not expect that! Also thanks for not judging, your response was most kind.

 

   I will delete if you like but I hate to do it, is a wonderful story.

  You already know it was kundalini, you do not need me to answer that.

  

That is true, I guess it is good to hear it, and more than a bit scary.

 
  Serious question: Do you ever feel like you are invisible?  

  

I tend to become invisible in groups, and introverted, but I don't think that's what you are asking me about.

 

  So, the thing that burst, was about mid way between your navel and public bone? You mention stomach and abdomen, not too precise. Blissing out on that point until it burst is how I became ascended too, in 1996. Have not had a cold or flu since.  
  

Vertically it was between the navel and pubic bone, roughly where the lower dan tien is, but much more inside the body. The ldt feels like it's just under the skin , a few inches wide and deep. This felt more like an organ, somewhere inside.  I am anatomically illiterate   but possibly the prostate area? It was really ecstatic until it popped!

Here is a direct quote from my journal in 2016. This first note was written while on a relatively mild mushroom trip, when my defenses were down since, well, I didn't take too much  


12:12 I've triggered something inside my abdomen, it now keeps vibrating and sending pleasant pulses thru me, up to my head, makes me dance, move my pelvis. It started like an opening, like an orgasm, very pleasant, followed by opening of the third eye. I can't see auras or anything and I'm pretty clear-headed, but I'm told that I can easily go further, when I'm ready. All I'd have to do is focus on my third eye.


Next, day, I continue and write that my biggest fear was that I'd popped an internal organ, the sensation was very physical and also followed by a feeling of release inside. The truth is, there was absolutely no pain throughout the experience.

But the freaky part is, the gut inside, felt like it came alive! During the peak, it was distinctly moving around, left or right, like a large worm in my stomach. After the peak, if I touched my belly right under the navel, it felt like I was touching inside the belly. I felt extremely bloated, like my intestines were 3" in diameter and very tender to the touch.

This lasted a few hours and was completely clear-headed. No euphoria, no dreamy state, just a pure stream of energy, from inside me.

It is a very unsettling sensation, like being opened from inside. It was immediately followed by my third eye opening, felt clearly in the middle of the head, exactly at eyebrow level. The crown also opened, with its telltale feeling of "something dramatic is about to happen, you've done something terrible and are about to meet your maker".




This lasted a good 4 hrs. I was still calm when it started, but the freakout was intense. I was ready for the last good-byes, looking for paper to write down all my passwords so my wife could clean up easily when I'm dead. Sounds so silly now but it was real

I will look into Muktananda, thanks so much for the pointers! No hits on the Vajra Body but the library is nearby. As for breaking this thing, I will absorb all info I can find on it. Still completely unsure of what it all means.

 You were scared and wanted it to stop, so it did. You migrated to a dimensional universe where it doesn't exist.

  The attainment turns you into a quantum being, potentially already everywhere and every when, and the navigation system is focus. You got scared. gave energy to that fear and migrated to a dimension where the power feels like it got squished.

   You got what you wanted... kinda boring eh? Fear is excitement is necessity of invention, is where the creative is born from. Alchemy.

  

Yes, very boring indeed. As life / career were taking over, I was feeling more dead every day. This thing was gnawing at me though. The push never ceased. Even when I gave up on it out of fear, the desire was still there to see where this thing goes. And finally, this desire broke through and flowered.

I am now at a point where I have resumed yoga twice daily for a couple months, and there are concrete energy movements, especially at the back of my head - very ecstatic. None of the extreme stuff I experienced a few years ago, this feels more like a mechanical process.

Any sort of sexual stimulation, however, is a different story altogether. The Kundalini begins to stir and... well the amounts of whole body ecstasy are just insane. She settles after a night's sleep, but getting to sleep is tricky

I don't know what this ascension is exactly, is it same as the Witness state in yoga? I am eagerly reading your lessons trying to make sense of this. At least now I know which direction to look in!

I will be digesting all this info you provided carefully, there is enough here to make my head spin.

One thing I know, there isn't much point waking up in the morning if I at least don't make a best effort to find out what is this Kundalini thing inside me.

[Clueless]

 
  The proper term for the attainment is Vajra Diamond Body. Is not quite the highest attainment possible but close to it. Spiritual immortality, the energy body has become quantum and does not dissipate at death but remains as a vessel for the soul to play. Like all those dead gurus who are very present when you call on them.


   

I am super lost here, never heard of this, and there is virtually zero on google. I've found some Muktananda and started reading. I will keep reading your lessons.

   I have been away, preoccupied with writing a free ebook teaching people how to become ascended by breaking the pearl, because coronaviruses do not exist in the higher dimensional universe.
   

How may one get this free ebook please?

The imperative of kundalini, is surrender.
   

Working on that one, some days it comes naturally, while other days I'll have none of it.



 Black tantra is Goddess worship. All acts of love and pleasure serve.

   


Certain types of music seem to trigger the Kundalini. Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon was giving me shivers as a teenager. Little did I know what they were... Music still does that, and far more intensely now.

Also, tantric sex is very, very quick at stirring Her. Retention seems to be happening naturally for a good period of time as the ecstasy builds, unless we overdo it Thankfully my wife is very patient!

Your new mantra "It will be as Goddess wills."

I have started adding this to my meditation routine, I think it and set the intention/feeling/sensation on the Kundalini. Is this right?

 

  Look for a funnel shaped vortex near your power chakra, wide end facing front. You might also find something like a sphere, crack it open. If you find one, (not everybody has it) then grab some ambient karma misery from the world and chuck it in.  If you do not find anything there, then do the same but pull it into your heart chakra.

  Let me know what you find.

   

Again dumbfounded by the highly specific advice, I have started looking for it today. Never focused on this one chakra before, had to look it up. Base of the sternum, just under ribcage. Confirmed, there is some ecstatic feeling there. Quickly refreshed on your Power chakra lesson, and again stunned at how well it matched a few very recent experiences. I have definitely felt some stuff there, but never paid much attention to it. I sure will, now. Maybe this sphere will show up!!

Thank you so much for the pointers Mystress!!