A little bit of clarity please.

[Loki]

I fairly sure I was guided to your site about a week and I am reading my way through the pages. I am looking for a bit of clarity regarding myself please.

I have have had back pain issues for most of my adult life (I'm a builder in uk) this lead me on a search to try and clear the pain I started with the usual sports massage etc nothing work over the years I then read about stuck energy and looked into meditation I managed to clear some emotional issues and got some release. I then tried cold water and came across Wim HOFF and breathwork.. this lead to pranayama (un guided) and I had what felt like a small lightening bolt shoot up my spine and a flash of white light. (I was still trying to clear the back pain).

about 2 years go I decided (stupidly) that plant medicine would help clear the back pain and I could also get insights into my oldest son being diagnosed autistic
I went to a plant medicine retreat and sat in 3 ceremonies over 5 days and cleared some issues but I believe I was blocked by my higher self (thank god) I also took 5meo dmt and past out and went to a white void when I came round the other people said I was speaking in tongues etc. I didn't get much from the time there but one of the patterns was around a sexual secrete of my mothers??

On the drive home I felt out of my body I spoke with another participant who put me onto a healer who help with this.
I had various dreams after one where I was dismembered and put back together incorrectly etc..

I had sessions with this healer for around 6 months as a lot of strange things where going on. a few examples.. I went camping one night and there was a huge rain storm I had lots of fear come up (felt like childhood stuff) I breathed though the fear for about an hour to the point where I had to go outside into the raining to put my hands into the grass as they were burning hot.

in the morning I went home and sat Infront of my wife I had a huge high frequency ear ringing and for some stupid reason told her about my infidelities' from when I was younger (we had been married 20years) part of hear reacted as you would expect angry shouting etc. and the other part of her was upset but calm it was like looking at to separate people or maybe the angry part was my shadow self. she told me to leave I left and moved into a house I was building at the time.. what followed was 2 days of heart / chest pain and sweating fever etc..

We moved into the new house around 2 years ago and at Christmas my youngest son (around 6 at the time) was telling me we was seeing shadow men in his room etc and my wife said the same thing. Both my sons are diagnosed ASD and so is there mother.

Going back about 3 years when there mum was diagnosed about a week after we went to a healing festival, crystal stalls etc (not my thing at the time)
she had a reading etc we stop there after the reading and for some reason she turned round and pointed at a stand where the was shamanic training and said "you should do that you would be good at it" I said " no its not my sort of thing"... this was before the retreat etc.

 After the Christmas issues I went to see this shaman and spoke with him etc.. I was having unusual things happen with animals etc.. he said I was having the calling.. I took this as the calling that I needed to heal and so booked a session with him.. The morning of the session there was synchronicities from my kids etc.
I went to the healing and the shaman performed a chod healing I lay in loads of fear breath through it and felt my solar plexus feal very strong.
I got up and he said "happy birth day " and handed me a stone.
I went home and the same thing happened with my wife like before part of her was fine the other part ranging and shouting playing out like before.
etc etc ...

I signed up for the shamanic training did one weekend with a group of 12 other but something didn't feel right or maybe it was my stuff coming up.. lots of issues around bulling at school sexuality etc.. lots of bits and pieces  played out in my reality after this.. and I stopped the "training" but still had contact with the shaman and the group for abit.. but then stopped.

I have worked with another healer who is a friend and have looked into sexual trauma issues and issues around misusing sexual energy manipulation etc..

I have moved out from the family home and things are not good. I pushed into mediation hoping for answers but this made things worse... I have tried celibacy as I believe there were issues around porn and impulsive sex.. but I am now starting to think that not having sex is denying part of myself and just causing frustration.

When I am near my wife (we are now getting divorced) I can feel the sexual energy rise in me to the point of inappropriateness (only around her). not always the case but alot of the time.

at the moment I do kundalini yoga via a zoom call with a local teacher this helps as it is helping me feel the energy in my sacral ... I have started to paint sometimes and this helps channel the creative energy.

Now after reading some of the info on here I am thinking that abstinence is not the best idea.... and putting more control and resistance on the whole issue.?

I have requested to join the psi vampire site as I have issues with excessive empathy and pick up all sort of things from other people. im fairly sure this is the case with my children and wife or something along these lines or I am projecting in some way.

I do not think you can become a shaman from a training course and agree with you there from personal experience.. if I was having the calling it would be a reluctant one!!

I do believe I am supposed to be working with energy in someway and I do believe that my K is awake I also completely understand that I have been reckless and stupid while searching for answers.. there is so much bad information and people out there!! no excuse but its not helpful.

I am working on grounding!!! as I believe that is the paramount at the moment ! and I shall continues to read the info on the site.

As I have said I understand that I have be stupid but at the moment I am looking for clarity that some of this is kundalini? and I can move forward from there.

Clearly there is much more to the above story.

thankyou for your time.

[Loki]

Just to add a bit to this as I now feel more grounded.. The above not good but some of the other things are:

Sleep paralysis as a child.

Having a clear vision of a young black horse one dark morning when walking in the woods.. so clear that I walked towards it to make it disappear
(this was before any retreats etc)

Dragon visit in mediation, purple ball I had for a while when mediating... all normal stuff I know.

People coming to me when there uspet... this has stopped as I have cut myself off alot to try and gain some clarity.

Strange conversations with people.. my kids randomly talking about past lives or my youngest son once telling me about walk- ins !!

(the above calms down when grounded)

Burning pain in the left shoulder blade that clears sometimes but always would be worse after sex with my wife. Or sometimes can get worse if listening to another problems.

Every full moon there is an emotional power struggle between myself and my wife, for example the moon just gone as I stayed home on my own and tried to avoided her to avoid drama I had solar plexus firing up kind of like waves in that area.. we ended up having a phone convo (so I am guessing this is power games energy theft me from her?)

I believe the above is wound related?

Sorry about my crap spelling and grama.