Search

[Gonzalo]

Hello.

I´m a 20 years old who is in a very odd mental-spiritual state. Is very hard to explain, unreality and overwhelmed fear (of the next instant of my mind, of people, of hanging out) are the two prevailing ideas. The point is that last year I had a tremendous experience of clarity and consciousness, all of a sudden. It happened after a decided (I did decided the date, how to, etc) to commit suicide... one morning I woke up and I was just released, I stopped expecting things and calling for things to myself, I could enjoy every single thing equally. It was like if all my thoughts and prejudices had disappear leaving space for the Existence, for God: everything I saw, felt or thought shined with total pureness, my mind had committed suicide, and I just flowed with the Whole. I had much more physical power, especially sexual, like if I were charged with a new and powerful energy. I felt enlightened (huge mistake).  It lasted for 7 days.

One year after that (a year of having normal life, but with peaks of ecstasies) I went back to the suicidal ideas, and this time there was no miracle... I went too low... I was alone and I fought too hard... now at least I´m quite and getting better bit by bit (having activity in the nature, learning to say no to some thoughts), but I think I handled the situation as worst as possible.
I felt that miracle like a real mystic experience and I´m thankful for that, I have always been a spiritual person, interested in religions, philosophy, poetry and arts, etc... But now I understand that I wasn´t ready for that premature awakening and I don´t know how to deal with the consequences.

A thought that really scare me it is to have completely destroy my soul, to have been disintegrated... I have read that that kind of thoughts can came in bad handled kundalini crisis. And I´m completely unable to enjoy, to hung out with friends, to chat carelessly, I just enjoy quietness and contact with earth or water. I would thank a lot some orientation, some advices, and specially some words that make me feel not alone in this hard trip I´m in.

Thanks for your attention. And excuse my English, is not my mother tongue

¡Saludos desde España!

Gonzalo.

[Sigmund]

Hello, Gonzalo.  Thank you for your post.  I understand the pain of fear, of not knowing and of doubts.  Mystress herself said, "The soul is in unity with the Divine, and cannot be harmed by any of your actions in this lifetime."

This information may be of some comfort to you -
   http://kundalini-teacher.com/meditations/soul.php?searchresult=1&sstring=soul

In addition, you might wish to search this site for other sources of solace, if you're not already doing that.

   Blessings

[Gonzalo]

Hello back,

Thank you for your answer, Sigmund. I´m already checking this site and many others searching for information about kundalini's premature awakening... and a lot of things match, but anyway I think my case is very serious. I don´t want to restrict my state to a kundalini crisis, after all kundalini is just a concept, but there was a force, a powerful one, that invaded my during the miracle I described. Any advice about how to normalize my life and my mind? someone who is or knows about someone that has gone this far with missleading kundalini?

As I said I was very depressed recentely (a year after my awakening experience) and now I´m in some kind of limbo... I don´t feel too bad (but for a strange burning in my solar plexus, kind of vertigo sensation), and I reduced the destructive thoughts, however I can´t talk to people normally, I racionalize and analize every mental state... etc. Bad haha very bad, just the oppositte of being conscious and awake.

Thank you very much for this place and for any posible answer.

[Sigmund]

Hello, Gonzalo.  Others of the lineage will have to provide more information for you.  I wish you smooth sailing.

   Blessings

[Gonzalo]

Thaaaaaaank yoooou!!! so much ^^

[Duu]

Hi,
I think you experienced a partial ego release, ego death. But if we are not careful the ego regrows.
It regrows because we still have the old habits, old grooves in our brains, and environment around us, today, is not build so it helps to sustain an awakening and ego release. The world of our society is the world of ego. So that is why one has to be vigilant and find a path that allows one to continue the the ego work in a more conscious way.
In modern era the spontaneous ego release will be more common. That doesn't make spiritual paths obsolete. It makes them even more important. As they offer the way to deepen and integrate the experience into our awareness and normal life.
Of course no dogma is of any big help at this point. And one is way beyond mass paths.
The key is purification of "ego", karma veiling and finding ways to stop our ways to get lost in it. To not be lost anymore in future or the past or things that are of the mind.
What is also of great help and in my opinion one cant avoid it, is to go with a path that honors the body.
From my experience and I must state the obvious, you should check out the FST mystery school that Mystress leads, if  you feel it resonant for you. You will find the info on this pages as well.

love,
Duu

[Gonzalo]

Hi!

I totally agree with you Duu... that´s how it felt like: I had no ego, reality reached me withno rebound. 5 days of total intermixture with the universe, everything was posible, nothing was out of reach, even if I did't do anything actually during that time... just having long rides with my bike and staring at whatever (a creature, a sunset, just a ramdom item...). And a year later 2 moths of hell and then limbo. My ego regrew, and stronger... every little thing I perceive is trapped in my ego, is very dificult to describe. Is it reversible??

Thank you for your advices, they are agree with my present orientation in life... taking care of my body and not to get lost in past or future (not to project my ego), look for answer in the instant, in live, and not in books (too much books, too many general knowledge harmed me).

Thank youuuu!!!

¡Un abrazo!

[Duu]

Hi,
Yes of course its reversible.
We really underestimate the power of ego, the allure, the habitual attraction. The fear and greed powers of control it has.
Going all out and wanting to fight ego or subdue ego or kill ego intentionally will surely fail.
As it is not really an enemy. And if we make it an enemy then it is an enemy that knows us better then we do and is inside of our head knowing all our plans and ideas. How could we ever win?
And because of that there has to be clever way out of it.
So there is a way, a spiritual path that reflects on all of that.
Where ego is at one hand subdued but on other its not fought with. Its made a friend and even a teacher in a way, but not an enemy. All the paths that make an enemy of ego or of body or show to them disrespect are for 100% sure doomed to fail and produce just invisible ego and ego aggrandizement in new clothes.
I write this just to avoid any ideas of a quick ego "removal". Somehow we use words like fighting ego, ego death and so on but its mostly a very dualistic view and unnecessarily aggressive language.
It is very useful to learn more subtle methods of ego/shadow work.

Ego is also a part of you a part in need of love and embrace. That is the non dual view. Everything that is created and also within you currently, ego, did not came up out of nowhere and nothing, it came to be created and it was build by reasons. And its up to you to uncover those reasons within you, those unloved places and heal them and give them love. It leads to lasting stabilization in our life and energy fields, it is a great healing.
That is true ego/shadow work. The ego immersion and veils are removed without struggle, without really winning as there was no opponent.

Without knowing the reasons behind your ego structure, you will not gather the essential wisdom.
And nothing can in truth set us free, not gods, not humans, but only our own wisdom.
The wisdom gathered on the path, from our own experiences not really from books, as you wrote.
But then a good advice on path is helpful as well.

Did you try the grounding exercise, how did it work for you?


love,
Duu

[Gonzalo]

¡Hola!

I don´t know a lot about grounding, would you recommend me some exercises? I do felt recently an intense desire of contact with earth... I´m kanoeing several times a week in a reservoir with very nice clay, I water the plants of my garden every evening and I walk barefoot by parks with my dog... trying to feel and not to think as I do them kind of things, even if it´s dificult... some times I completely forget myself and when I came back and I realise what I did to my life, to me... the level of self-destruction I got.. it feels unreal, I lose contact with reallity... it is like It is a dream or a game and I have to go back to real life... I know is all ego traps.

I´m also trying to do things that get my mind busy, like home tasks or playing little computer games.

Questions: would it be good for me to do kundalini yoga? and what about sex?

¡Salud!

[Duu]

Hi,
Yes, there is excercise I recommend, try the meditation here:
http://kundalini-teacher.com/meditations/grounding.php
I think it can be useful to you.


And as for our shool that I spoke of, that is connecteted to this web and forum.
http://kundalini-teacher.com/lessons/fst.php
It offers one year online course. As one sometimes needs a bit time for growth and integration.

love,
Duu