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[Imnotsleeping]

Uhm, I want to say that im very hesitant to writing this. I am very inexperienced, I have no clue of how to express this in a sufficient manner and I feel very uncomfortable. I have been handling all of these experiences on my own. But I feel I should start somewhere to communicate this - and you all seem very knowledgable and honest. (sorry for the bits of foul language)

I experienced what they call the 1000 petal lotus when on acid for the first time, last year - or now about 1 year and 2 months ago. At that time, I had no fucking clue as to what was going on with me or around me. It freaked me out big time - primarily because I realised how "strange" it was. And that I knew that I would meet nobody who could relate - making me feel so damn alone in this modern secular Swedish society.
Whilst at the same time I was in a state happier than I had ever been. But it was wrong to be happy - I mean I had just "let go" of my family - literally. Let go of myself too - but people tend to not believe that sort of explanation...

Anyway so for the first time in my life I really didnt have a clue - as to, how I should process the experience/information that was being lade out before me. I met god, or whatever possible spirit or entity it might have been (very inexperienced).
I was mostly pissed off during the awakening I didnt and still dont like at all what was being said - to guide me. About me or my destiny. Guidance I wish not to share openly atm.
(This is a very summed up description of it all)

I walked away from the experience with the mindset that "if this is something for me to explore it will come to me." I wasnt ready to go out and seek it for myself - I didnt know what it was.
And I didnt know if it was something that I had made up in my own head!
I knew ofcourse - at the back of my mind that it was real. But still, the reality of our existance scared the crap out of me. So I felt good for the time being and didnt really feel the need to seek shite to put it bluntly.

I know this might not resonate well with people but I am who I am, aaand I did not ask for this shit..

So Ive had an intense year with a lot of "crazy", have been seeing the eyes in trance states and a few times when high on marijuana.
These last few weeks since quitting marijuana - ive been experienceing the lotus inside my dreams. Its been cool - it kinda guides you in your dreamstate.
Ive been (under the circumstances) handling it really well, but with some outbursts and clashes within the family ofcourse. Especially with my dad which is understandable (dominance clashes).

A lot of growing has been done prior to this of course - A lot - I mean, really really large amounts of information. Just friggin slapping me in the face constantly. As TMckenna describes - after some of his trips. Walking around gaining insight for months on end, it will not yield. I am still having a hard time believing really, in the shoes im in right now - I cant really grasp that im even writing this, even seeking this help.

Anyway I didnt talk about my experiences untill about two months ago -roughly- When I saw a video "awakening the shakti within" on youtube.
Where at the end of the presentation he shows a video, of what a Kundalini awakening could look like and be experienced like. And holy shit - there they are again, the thousands of eyes that covered the sky are infront of me, on the friggin screen. This shit had happened to me without me even knowing it exists.

Anywhoo, this brings me to today. Im ordering a growing kit to grow some mushrooms and am exiling myself pretty soon to meditate be alone and explore this further.

I dont really have a question I just wanted to put this out there since it might be quite remarkable. My very unspiritual aunt heard my story and is all crazy into yoga and stuff now - my family I havent been able to completely convince yet.

I have a buttload of stories in my arsenal now, which I plan to take to youtube when I feel grounded enough in the experience and acceptance of reality.

Love to you all
Alex

PS Its getting late and I have to sleep - so wont look through it twice - sorry for typos and unclear parts..

[Imnotsleeping]

Also - the weather, trees, and animals always react really strongly when I take myself to meditative states - when I start believing is when it usually happens. My neighbours dogs will bark like crazy well into the night with me. So I have to stop so they dont get struck by their owners or something like that. You get the point.

Dont know what to do with this "power" - I know I should spread the message but im afraid of judgement, afraid of family and friends turning their back on me.. Sweden is a peculiar country with peculiar atheist people that dont often go out of their comfort-zone..

Also want to correct something from what I wrote yesterday. Ofcourse I have questions -its not like that- its more that I have so many :p

[Duu]

In my more then 20years of practice I had lots of visions and experiences.
However Mystress teachings is surrender it, keep it light.
Simply put, visions or experiences by themselves don't really have power to cause change within.
Surprising right?
One can look into ones own life, after some visions or big enlightening revelation,  lets say after month or a week and check: Have I really became any different? Have I become more kinder or wiser human being? Is my life filled with clarity of mind, smoothness, flow and joy?
And if not, then what exactly is the value of such vision?

In time, when the buzz of newness wanes away. Then there is a good point to do honest check.
What exactly changed? Yes of course content of my mind changed. Now have a new memory. That is not different from any other memory actually. No, adding a content to ones mind is not a great mystical achievement. Nor one can really say that much has changed after all.
So that is pointing to notion that mystical path of evolution is something else then this.

Surface can change, that is most easily to change, ones beliefs, ones views, ones values, ones clothes. One has to be careful and honest to see under the now new clothes if ones life not only did not become fundamentally better but that in fact ones life became ever so slightly worse.

So in my personal opinion I do see people that miss the sweetly painful lesson that one can get by this.

Love,
Duu

[Imnotsleeping]

I appreciate your answer Duu. Thank you for your honesty -

Many things have changed, my life, mostly in the sense that I dont run away from issues or personal wrongdoings. Re-realizing during this experience the understanding of the long term negative effects. Of not facing life, good or bad. For the sake of myself, but motivation wise - and maby even more importantly - for the sake of others.

This experience that I mention above. Was the first time where I couldnt run away from my path anymore. The evidence was to clear and too strong. I had struggled for about 1 1/2 years prior to this (I call it) "Eye opening awakening" - with a deep depression.
A depression - as a result of me "falling off the belief wagon" - When listening more to others than spirit and myself.
Forgetting the motivation and importance of patience for personal understanding.

Leading to misscalculations of conclusions where my Ego had unwittingly taken over my spirit voice Saying to myself "well if they cant relate to this, I must be lying to myself" - leading to very nasty experiences caused by nobody but myself in the end. And ofcourse the realization of what had caused my 1 1/2 yr long depression. Was "solved(in lack of a better word)" with laughter. Laughing at my own naivity/stupidity or just how simple misstakes and dumb conclusions can change the outcome of years to come.

I believe my father has unwittingly awakened himself and myself early on in life. Me - just not understanding that this is not something everybody is aware of - simply because I never communicated it and I have troubles with thinking more highly of myself in any way (its never the answer/profetcomplex resides within all).
Reason for not communicating - my father put fears in me. Only to protect me ofcourse.
I once asked "Why dont people - not even teachers - understand or relate to the things we talk about or understand dad?"
My argument being -Its so important I cant believe people aware of this, its right infront of them, its right there! Within." - (Not in these exact words but you get the point.)

Him answering that most people - wont ever understand this. Its something one has to live with unfortunately.
You can only give them clues - now if they follow the clues is up to them - but only they can choose to walk through the door sts(sotospeak).

So my passion/challenge in life has been finding ways to awaken people - and ive become good at it. Sometimes - to good at it - which isnt always or often a good thing... Resulting in an upanddown life much like a bipolar dissorder. Although I know that this is all usually due to chakra imbalances  and me not being aware of them. And insights without aknowledgement of what it is. And instead of seeking knowledge getting stuck in a manic belief loop.

Anywho my first aware state, of an awakening without fleeing it. I was in my hotel-room during an extremely intense period of insights (I had gained insights and broken them down into understandings during the coarse of a few months. Insights that had taken my father 4-5 yrs to come to terms with)
Now to take you back I would always wake up as a kid to the sound of my father doing yoga before i went to school.

So I was lying in my room with extreme stomach pains/cramps, something ive always had, and have experienced. But this time was different. The pain was taking over my entire body. I was on the verge of screaming almost even crying.

But in the middle of this pain, for some reason, I came to think of my father doing yoga. Leading to the question, can I choose this pain? something ive thought a few times in these situations. But never been able to conquer.
Slowly but surely grew the depth of my breath trying to accomplish breathing through the pain. Doing this before I had reached a complete breath I was making the pain much much muuuch worse. Then when reaching a full breath, the pain clicked. Like a switch - and all of a sudden my embrace of the pain became the relief of the pain. This weird experience and reaction made me astonished. Realising the extreme power, serendipity and insights underlying yoga/breathing/meditation - being more than just moving or breathing in weird ways. But things like embracing pain - meeting it - rather than fight it. Rather than fighting anything really in the end of it all.

This followed a few hours of my entire body cracking up (I grew a couple cm just that night). Reaching - for the first time ever - since I was a child - my palms to the ground with straight legs and a straight back (accomplished by slowly breathing into this pain as well). Breathing and channeling "Believe - Believe - Believe that my hands are my feet - became the answer" And ended up standing on my two hands completely still like a gymnast - unlike anything I had ever experienced or done before (completely naked during all this btw haha). And this is where I understood the importance of belief and balance and why people are so obsessed with this word haha

Love
Alex

[Imnotsleeping]

delete -Now to take you back-
*Correction*
To put things in perspective - I would always wake up in the morning and walk downstairs as a kid. To hear the sound of my fathers heavy breathing whilst doing his morning yoga in the livingroom. (theres a funny story about this "yoga" my father did - as well)

So here I was 22 yrs old lying in my hotelroom with extreme....-->

[Imnotsleeping]

Now this ended up being this long story once more - only to wanted to prove that I am, in some sense atleast - awakened. And that it has changed my life for the better not for the worse - its just been a journey of a lot of moving and turning of old rocks and stones in my life to re-evaluate. this has resulted in a lot of heavy work within and not much focus on reality and around myself I guess (to be really honest here).

I am now focusing on building an app that can save up to 60 000 trees whilst also having a full-time job and meditating/doing yoga/working out every day.

When done with my app and all, I am going to travel to Asia to explore deeper into my spiritual potential. (whilst exploring it on my own as well and much as I can)

[Duu]

Hi,

Yes I hear what you are saying. Could you please share with me five visions or revelations or mystical experiences and tell me how each of them improved your life?

On the practical side I feel from your posts that you have a bit energy overload and would benefit from dumping overload regularly until energy situation corrects. See if that benefits you. Do a search on this forum, I think you will find it in some posts from Mystress.

Love
Duu

[Imnotsleeping]

Ya, energyoverload - that makes sense, Im really just eager to talk about this stuff though. Havent talked to anyone about it really - my apologies for being a bit intense :p

5 visions or revelations - well

The yoga one has already been mentioned so ill mention my first one -

1st The backpack of anxiety, no more - I was out with my friends at night smoking weed. Sky filled with stars, a bit chilly out but manageable. Breathing more and more intensely im noticing how Im getting in this flow whilst talking to my friends and theyre getting a bit worried, I shut myself up and walk away to the water to just experience the feelings and clues im getting. I walk away and its like enormous amounts of energy are just being pulled out of me - my arms fling back, breathing intensely, and im lying there feeling better than ive ever really felt. And it leads me to this one insight that cures me of something that has been punishing me for yeeears.
"The pain you see in others eyes are not a reflection of what they feel about you - Its the pain they feel and are carrying themselves" - I had been walking around pretty much all my life feeling that people hated me or really dissliked me. And I didnt understand it! From walking past someone to sitting infront of them on the train, my teachers my friends. Sooo many people I felt, were expressing this disgust and disslike of me.
And during this "backpack of sadness being lifted off my shoulders" I was energized, more energized then I have ever felt. All of a sudden I saw my previous pain more as a gift and I hesitantly burst into ters (hesitantly cuz of my friends).
A gift to help people come to terms with that pain - just as I came to terms with my own just now in a sense. A gift that I can see it, I can see you, see your pain and I can see when it is really truly  released. Knowing when people have acutally dealt with their issues rather than avoid them.
(As a sidenote it is something I have a hard time to come to terms with still, because I see this pain in my mother and she just wont give in to admit it. Shes so strong for us, I just want her to release this pain but she just wont..)

2 "You are not alone" - Was one where I realized that youre never really alone. That one doesnt have to feel sad about loneliness. Having spirit and also living beings like trees and animals all around - trees in my mind are beautiful in a naive way. Its like they say "Hey!!" and "Hi!" "How are you!?" with love and enthusiasm all the time, opening up people for conversation and answering any sort of question really. And they are just always happy to see you! This helps me find peace in my own skin, not feeling the need to convince people in order to not be alone. Be more patient kind of relaizing that the insight you bare is all around you. - dunno if this makes me sound crazy - its not like I hear them speak but I can feel them, very intently and intuitively - when im on LSD then I really hear them.

3 The flower of answers (3 years before becoming aware of kundalini) - Someone asked me how I knew all this stuff and how I could come with answers to questions in such a structured and deconstructive fashion. I was baffled by the question, waited about 10 minutes untill it struck me. I could only explain it through the vision of a sun/lotusflower or just the shape of a flower. - Where I said that its like ive been "breaking off" or learning things lately "Leaf by Leaf" - working towards the centre where I gain the insight and experience ive gone through with each and every leaf. Sometimes even breaking only a few off - Hinting to a strong experience of understanding - shooting me to the centre right away - giving me all the leafs that come with it. This only happens when I help others and not myself is something I learnt to speed up the process locking up the chakras - making one understand its always all about We - never or atleast rarely about, Me.
They didnt understand it - they kept asking "but how?", for me it felt so natural that I was kind of asking them back "But how can you not?"

4th - During this specific intense period of experiences I would send out statements to receive confirmation for myself. Kind of testing it out like "can this be possible".
So id send out statements of insights like "Whoever is suited to explain and confirm this, I hope you receive this message and show it" Following "So this is what im proposing - This is how it is (?)"
Believing in people being able to receive this. Most likely they will deem it as their own idea resulting in them acting on it.
And as long as I dont tell anyone about what Ive sent out, someone with the ability within a given area will receive it and utilise it.
This might not be true and just be coincidences - but months/1year later things that I had sent out would pop up in the Media - like opinions that id sent out to minimize the argument of racism - Would then use those exact arguments where they had deconstructed them in ways that unfortunately did not utilise the entire message but still made its point. Science breakthroughs and stuff like that would appear - where I had been in discussions about the possibility of things. Leading to breakthroughs that would strengthen the argument of my own belief - The future merge between Spirituality/Consciousness and Science.
Understanding Consciousness and the connection through feeling that we have. Connecting us to the vast "unimaginable" reactions of the universe. Reactions in many ways living within us. This is something I will be trying to spread the message of. The need to understand how spirituality and Science are just throwing pies at eachother today to argue the point saying "Im the best". Not realising that they are kind of like eachothers opposites - there to attract one another just as the proton and electron - Need the Neutron. The neutral perfection - Balance, harmony, neturality, cirkular order, love.

5 - The kundalini experience last year. Turned my world upside down - It confirmed a bunch of teachings my spirit had been giving me the past 2 years that I had pushed aside and hadnt expressed, because they were just to "out there". So I had neglected myself and spirit only for the comfort of myself and others - to not have to feel different or go against the grain. Today I live against the grain I call it "Walking upstream" - kind of like a motto. Simply knowing that happiness will not be found in avoiding conflict or avoiding something because it is not easily explained or understood - You need to go with your gut or spirit and believe in your own words untill it is proven, by then not needing any convincing or explaining.

There! <3

Love
Alex

[Imnotsleeping]

One more to mention is ive had several "spasm attacks" doing yoga - breathing - leading to me having like an epileptic seizure? Whilst in this seizure ill let go of things in the past. Things I had completely forgotten were even there or that they even affected me.
Also the seizures arent really like - scary? Theyre really pleasant kind of heh - Theyve helped me to really let go of things. First time it freaked me out so I forgot what I had learnt but the second and third time and the times after that have been really enlightening.

[Imnotsleeping]

Am I even on to something here Duu?

These last two nights ive been waking up in these really weird, extremely intense states of feeling in perfect harmony... "Like I have the answer"
I keep forgetting to write shit down - its so fkn weird all this. I dont know whats happening to me!

Am I just manic? Should I just get one of those damn numbing medications?

I feel im so eager to speak - That im just spraying out nonsense that is impossible for anyone to depict..!
Feels like that awakening experience wasnt an awakening at all after reading what I wrote during the day today.

Its just, it was so strong man...
As soon as I would relax and "let go", those eyes would be there. And those frickin eyes on my hands, and the glowing white lightpaths all over my body. You know like in the animated Avatar series?
And that frickin white white light telling me to frickin "pass this on to humanity" type stuff. Just screeeaming for me to fall into a jesus complex like my father.

This experience sent me all the fucking wrong signals for me to be in control of myself. Or to feel in any shape normal. It freaks me out, I just dont want this fucking burden of shit - im freaking out so bad... I wish I never fucking saw that youtube video. Im such a fucking child I feel like.

(Ofcourse the dogs in the other apartments are just going nuts right now. Making me think its me creating it)
Im probably just like all the other crazies. Fkn self fulfilling prophecies and shit.

[Duu]

Well I pointed before that yes, visions or experiences can then lead to "insight" or "understandings" or an "aha" moment.
I don't disagree that. I'm just saying that people really overestimate the power of an "insight" to cause self transformation.
 
Or mistake wow enlightened insights for "enlightenment" that meaning the real change ie. self transformation.
No, how strong the "wow" is does not make the difference.
 
This they do while they think how well they are on their path. How they are different or how they grown. While in truth they are getting nowhere or going the opposite way.
 
So while they are getting a ton of insights little do they notice that their real life is going down the hill. The gap between mental world and real world is increasing. And that is the opposite way. And the result of such gap is that confusion increases, turns to mind fog and life turns to totally ungrounded flying about.
It's slow and quite common decay. You know first there is mess in ones head, then in ones room, then in ones social relations, then in ones economic situation and on it goes.
 
Look at your past week. Was your week fundamentally better then before you gained "insights". Examine day by day.
Now there is a difference between feeling "different" and having "insights" because you used some substances and really having ones life to go in a better way. And its really pointless to discuss if the insights are true or not, that is not so important, as if ones life is not better then the missing point is truly elsewhere.

Many christians as example think themselves so humble and charitable. But its just about how they "think" they are. If you asked them how many charitable or selfless acts they did yesterday or the last week. They go blank. They say, but I am.  Well then I like to see that.  Then I add that they never really did "think" that they are good, charitable or selfless. They just did not think at all, they just accepted some ideas about "self" that suited them and made them feel good about themselves. Held them as true and never checked. Then they can get quite angry when I point that out. And they tell me christians are not supposed to think, they are supposed to believe. Then I ease up and tell them, then they are the obviously a good christian.
So they go merrily on. So no please dot tell me you are a sinner. It suffices that you say that you are a christian.
 
But internally I must admit.
I don't care if a people are good christians. I just care if they are good people for real. Or interested in that. People are indulging this or that idea or set of belief systems and never checking what they are doing for real. While the acts they do in real life are very average or not so good.
But anyway people think that the difference about "who you think you are" and who you really are, is just a subtle thing, small thing a thing hard to see thing. Because they never looked. Then it is obviously not much they see.

I mean there is vast amount people who took some drugs or got some "visions" and became a christians. Or different christians or more enthusiastic christians. Metaphorically speaking of course. Or literally at times. They just joined into some belief system and now they are happy. Having a belief and not needing to think is indeed a happy place. But if your beliefs got just gathered from all over the junkyard and imprinted via careless psychedelics use. Then unfortunately one nologer has the luxury of not thinking. However to think clearly while you are are completely confused is the tough task.
That's why the old advice to work with a teacher or a mentor is so important. Even writing here is helpful as you found. However I find that teacher or mentor could tell you things directly, without my veils of political correctness. That just make the texts so long and cumbersome.

I would wish for people to to go on spiritual path rather then being a christian. But they wish otherwise. Luckily or unluckily they mostly manage to be well functioning christians. However psychedelics can easily create a dysfunctional christian. And then there are only two ways out, seeking to be a more functional christian or going on a spiritual path.
What is spiritual path? If you stay on the same place, more or less, after all that "big revelations" or doing this or that, then what path is there to speak off?
So yes, you are onto something for sure. And Im very happy that you are.

Grounding is very good for creating balance and calm and thus helps to clear the mind too.
Brings one back to the earth as the saying goes. Have you tried it?

Love,
Duu

[Imnotsleeping]

Im extremely thankful for your reply. I cant explain how much I appreciate you taking your time to answer my questions and discomforts. Really Duu - you are a precious individual - Ive seen how many people you give time for this, and for myseld - I thank you deeply, form the bottom of my heart.

I feel so much calmer now.. Not as lost, and not as eager, even if it might be momentary. The power of insightful words!
One of the bigger reasons of me getting so ahead of myself is the reaction I get from others - its hard to feel grounded cuz it feels like all people ever want to do is send me off to "fly". Can you relate to this?

Ive seen you guys talking about grounding meditation? No, I havent tryed it, what is it really?

Sincerely
Alex

[Duu]

Hi,
Grounding is the essence of Mystress teaching, and indeed a very important spiritual point. Basically it is a state being that is calmer and balanced. And one always has to make some choices and actions in ones life and believe me the state of being or mind in which one is in does mater hugely in quality of those choices. Many miss that point I think, they assume that disbalenced mind can make balanced decision.
Give it a try:
http://kundalini-teacher.com/meditations/grounding.php

Love,
Duu

[Imnotsleeping]

Thank you I will

Btw a day or so before my Yoga experience also. I was lying on a roof looking into the infinity of stars and darkness of the universe.
Lying there breathing it was about minus -15/-20C but this didnt bother me one bit.
Any way, lying there breathing slowly in and out I experienced the most peculiar thing - first like the energy of the night and stars was being swallowed on the inhale - but also the sky was sort of "falling onto me" or "over me" combined with very strong winds on an otherwise very windfree and calm winter night.
(I feel, often, that nature speaks to me in this way since this night.)

And I have a hard time reading these signs. Are there any correct ways of reading this information? Any kind of wisdom or whatever? In that case what would it be called :p

[Mystress]

  Excellent thread! A few points:
 
  The energy of the heart chakra is sometimes called the Christ consciousness, in that way we are all jesus and its no big crazy messiah thing. Sorry about your Dad.

  The seizure type events are called kriyas and yeah a lot of emotional karma stuff releases, just flow with them. The visions and stuff are considered a type of kriya too, just flow with them. Do not worry about understanding, its mostly just stuff on its way out of you. If something is important for you to know the universe can find a way to send a memo.

  Learn to get grounded, and stay grounded and everything else gets easier.

   Yes, Duu is a treasure! Be well.