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[heavymantra]

First of all I would like to thank you Mystress, for the work you've been doing here as it has been a tremendous help to me understanding the path of Kundalini awakening. This is pretty much the story of my life so, I'll try to make it as short as I can.

My purpose for writing this is for the benefit of sharing, first of all, and hopefully to get advice, insights on my life, wise words from Mystress and/or the community. I divided my post in three parts, in order to make it easier to apprehend. Any help will be much welcomed...

Namasté

   Part 1
During pregnancy, my father vanished more or less, which was a terrible thing for my mother to deal with. I believe this is when my abandon complex started, before I was even born. I had a happy childhood all in all, although not without difficulties, considering the fact that we were far from being a happy family.  My father was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 30, as he was having his first known occurence of a manic state. I was about 5 or 6 at that time. Soon after, I would have to deal with feelings of abandon and the deprivation of affection from my mother's part. I would also become an accumulator to her anger and frustration, stemming from my parents' unhappy relationship.

I've always been a highly sensitive, empathic person I guess, but I had to build this protection wall around me as a child and later on to feel secure. Depression stroke me in 2011, when me and my first big love affair broke up, after a five years relationship. I was 21. I've been addicted to cannabis since I was 17 and became a heavy user over the years, so the plant would become the center of my life up to now. In 2015, I had become a "casual" LSD and mushrooms user. I've been strongly depressed and heavily medicated most of the time, from 2011 up to this point. Then, I decided to drop straight on medication (again) and that I would heal myself with the aid of psylocibe mushrooms. I was fed up with the long lasting effects of depression, medication and drug abuse, and decided to step out of the victim's role I had been playing for the past few years.

   Part 2
On the 8th of december 2015, I had what one would call a spiritual experience. After months of tripping on shrooms I had grown myself, having nothing but magical empowering experiences, I had decided to perform a kind of ritual, to heal myself for good. The so-called ritual went as followed: I drank the green tea mixed with honey and 3.5g of my strong mushies macerated in lemon juice, a copy of the Bhagavad Gita in front of me, and a solfeggio frequency video on youtube as background music, which was supposed to activate the root chakra. My underlying -almost unconscious- mindset, was that I wanted to surrender my life to the will of God.

The onset was very quick, I went straight into bed and closed my eyes. As every muscle of my body began to shake violently and uncontrolably, I started to experience visions. I would see myself floating in a dark space, my [astral?] body being traversed by an invisible, cosmic wind. As I was wondering what the hell was happening to me, I instantly got an answer in thought: "you are being cleansed". Around me was this seemingly infinite ocean of boiling darkness, from which vaguely familiar looking, colored shapes and forms (mostly geometric) were simultaneously emerging and sinking into. I feel it was the most surrealistic vision one could ever thing of.

The "cleansing" went on for a while. I was in a relaxed state, enjoying the vision, feeling exctatic and immensly greatful for what was happening to me. Then, suddenly... BOOSH! Everything vanished. No time, no space, no "me". The absolute Void. It felt like I had been smashed under the mighty thumb of God and got completely disintegrated. A "moment" later, I got this message in thought, so powerful that I could almost read it in my mind, written in capital neon letters : "YOU WILL BE A HEALER". And it was over. I kept my eyes closed for a while, as my consciousness was coming back to my body, still shaky, still experiencing fading visions. As I opened them, I was submerged by this thought: "I'm being reborn". It felt like a true renaissance.

After years of being plunged into the fog and despair of depression, I was suddenly pulled into a state of complete, utter clarity and bliss. At this point, I became exalted. It was Christmas time and my mother, seeing how exalted I was, went hysterical at my face, as she was witnessing something unpleasantly familiar arising in me. This is what brought me back down to earth, after about a month of being in this exalted, yet not delirious, state.

   Part 3
I believe this experience had triggered the awakening of Kundalini. I began to make radical changes in my life: I had quit tobacco, started doing Hatha Yoga and meditation on a regular basis, consumming a lot less alcohol and drugs, stopped eating meat, moved away from Paris, from my family and circle of friends I was unhappy with.

I've had a bad health most of my life. I have a debilitating condition for more than a year now, doctors don't know how to call it yet. My feet seem to be the most affected region: I need a croutch if I have to walk outside of my appartment. But I can feel all of my body is stiffened. I have not been able to carry on my job as a postman and I'm unemployed since. Doctors thought it was sarcoidosis, which I have been diagnosed with as they were trying to figure out what was happening to me. But it went away after less than a year and the physical symptoms are still here, like nothing have changed.

My depression stems from a deep feeling of loneliness and abandon, which is mutilating the inside of my body and soul. It has corrupted everything in my life. After a three years break, depression resurfaced last year. I have also been batteling cannabis addiction for years. After more than 40 days of abstinence, I lost it and spent a week smoking weed. I couldn't cope with all the negativity in my mind and loneliness in my life. I needed a break from this, but it's only making things worse obviously.

I am turning 30 in just a few months. Joyless, jobless, broke, crippled, without perspective on the future, more unsecure, isolated and lonelier than I ever was. I crave for connections, meeting people, having a fulfilled social and sexual life, but I don't even know where to start. Paralyzed by the loneliness, the fear of rejection, abandon and feelings of worthlessness. I haven't found a way yet to go beyond all the fear, the sadness and loneliness that are filling my everyday life.

[heavymantra]

I have to say the situation has evolved a bit the last few days. I'm not in distress as much as I was during the past months, when I wrote and posted this. I seem to be be getting mentally better (less depressed), although I still feel quite unstable.
My mood is swinging from one day to another or in the same day, much like what psychiatrists describe as borderline personnality disorder. I trust Goddess that I'm heading to more stability and a clearer understanding of my purpose, even though I feel I still have a long way to go before I reach this place.

[heavymantra]

I suppose silence is the answer.
Although I was obviously in a deep state of fear and depression, some of the things I wrote feel wrong to read today, especially the self-pitying part at the end but not only.
I could go one commenting but I don't really see the point in carrying on this one-man discussion here. If I don't get any reply for some time I suppose I will delete the topic.

Kind regards to all those who came by reading.

[Mystress]

  Sorry I overlooked your post.

  Is odd for me when people thank me for the content of my website and then the rest of their post shows how little they read of it. Makes me feel, they really just want attention and I haven't much patience for that. Well, you said you are lonely so ok.

  If you were grounding and working to clear your karma I am sure you would soon be feeling much better. Hatha Yoga is good.

  I think most of what is going on with you is resolved by the karma section of this website. When you start to shine, exalted as you say, people pick up on it and you become a karma shit magnet. It makes the body stiff and achey, tired and moody, depressed and often paranoid.

  Goddess does not judge you for smoking tobacco or weed. I smoke both and She made me her Avatar. All the drama about it is entirely your own game. If you are going to go around beating yourself up like that, and you are not masochistic, then no surprise you are depressed. Goddess sees you perfect just as you are.

  When will you start getting grounded? That is always the first step.

[heavymantra]

I got your answer when visiting the forum a few weeks after you posted it. I'm glad and thankful that you eventually answered. It's been enlightening.
I've been "working" on an answer after that, but got the feeling that I should let it sit inside myself for a while. I am still reflecting on your words, but I also felt it was rude not to respond until I have it all figured out.

"Is odd for me when people thank me for the content of my website and then the rest of their post shows how little they read of it. Makes me feel, they really just want attention and I haven't much patience for that."

I guess my only excuse for that was my heavily obscured mental state at that time, since a had read most of its content... Maybe I was seeking for attention after all, but it felt more like this was the right place to seek for effective guidance in a moment of helplessness.

"Goddess does not judge you for smoking tobacco or weed. I smoke both and She made me her Avatar. All the drama about it is entirely your own game."

This has been a profound revelation to me, something I am still working on. That game was actually inherited from my mother, mainly, and it's hard to see through it.
It seems pretty obvious to me that I am using cannabis as an escape way from these uncomfortable and sometimes painful moment of karma clearing. It is a compulsive heavy use, which denotes a strong addictive pattern. Goddess does not judge me for that, but I often get the impression that I am "smoking" my life out instead of doing things that are meaningful to me.
Well, my guess is grounding appears to be the answer.

"When will you start getting grounded? That is always the first step."

I was trying hard to do it at that time, but was completely unable to do so.
I am still in a somewhat clouded mental state these days, but now I feel it should be easier to do so. Getting grounded on a regular basis and bring back some discipline in my life is the next step I'm about to make.

I will post an update when I feel the right time has come.

Thank you

[Mystress]

 Switch to CBD instead of weed.  It will smooth out the anxiety, moodiness and body pains without the stone.  I like the MOTA sour squares. Take it slow, tapering down. Nothing wrong with self medicating, CBD has many benefits. Just need to find the right stuff.