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[Joey]

     About 3 years ago I had the strangest dream. Now, I no longer believe it was a dream, but perhaps more of an awakening. In this dream I was laying on my bed with my arm on my forehead. I was stuck, paralyzed and dreaming. I saw myself walking around the room. He/I was talking to me. Talk about things and showing interest in things that I wouldn't. Like another type of me.

   Suddenly, this other me looked down and saw that I was asleep. He/I started saying my name, trying to get my attention. Then, He/I grabbed my foot and shook it to try and wake me up.

   Then the roller coaster happen. A gigantic rush of electricity went from my feet and exploded through my body and cascaded upwards until it hit my head.

  Suddenly I was in blackness, flying what seem to be backwards, or just seemed backward because I was laying on my back and seemed to move with the electricity.

   Then, cascading light. I rushed forward and through blinding white light over and over again. Colliding with one, then through it, then would approach another. Over and over again. I was scared. Everything was moving so fast. Then, as I approached the final one, I held position and a voice echoed loud "I am the mountain, you are the bomb. No longer shall you impurify me" As the voice spoke, I glared at the light and in the intensity of it there was, what seemed to be, flesh being burned away.

   Suddenly, after the flesh was burned and the voice had said what they had to say, I turned 'left'. Before me was a HUGE grid of white lights. All perfectly spaced in squares. There seemed to be hundreds. I flew down and to the left again toward one EXTREMELY FAST and I hit it...

    And as soon as I did, I woke up. The experience left me shooken and confused, to say the least.

      I know this was an awakening of sorts. I have never really meditated for very long nor have committed to any practice. However, I'm cursed with a hunger for understanding. I'm always in constant contemplation about life. I have been since I was a boy. It was between almost dieing a couple of times or my dissatisfaction with religions answers that were being forced to me that I wanted to know the truth, no matter where it lead.

    It was like something took notice and flung me into this.

     I have followed my search and questioned it endlessly. Breaking down my own reality and sanity. I've had no masters to call on. At times I have a voice inside of me (crazy, I know) that guides me at times. No really on what path to take, because that really doesn't matter. You learn from any path and any decision, if the desire is there.

    But rather when I'm stuck in a loop of actions and thought, it shows me another way of looking that I didn't think of before, or illuminates a truth. Sometimes showing me things from a vantage point like I'm looking down and seeing the whole. I don't' hold this image long because being there for too long and seeing everything like that makes my head feel like it's going to explode.

   And there lays the problem. It seems like I have no control over it any more. The vales of illusion keep falling back to reveal another truth. I have seen enough to know that there will be more that will fall. It keeps going and going and my nature doesn't seem to help the situation. I get so tired from questioning and searching that I just want to sleep forever.

  However, its not the endless searching that is the worse. It's the loneliness. I could perhaps deal with this if I didn't seem to be the only one. Any conversation I get into is pointless, at least for me. I bring people to see things in new perspectives and lights. Often I get the since that seeds of self discovery are planted and sometimes I'm proud of that fact. But I have no peer. I have no one (other than the voice inside my head) to debate, question, and search with. I've slipped a couple of times and have started talking to others at my pace and expressing my thoughts. I'm left with a look from the other party that makes me feel so isolated and alone. I'd be able to handle it if it was a look of "hold on, let me think about that", but its a look of "Holy crap, I can't even approach that".  Often I'm forced to bring things to lower levels in order to either at least enjoy the conversation, or to not make a spectacle of myself.

Any more, I just shut up or leave the room if conversations lead towards this.


    I have learned truths, been shown truths, that reach to very core of what is. Dangerous truths at first. Things that had torn me apart and left me bare for the longest time, but after, things looked so much more vast and awesome, yet simple and symmetric. So very symmetric. These things I wish could just be told and shared that way, but they can't. I know that to See things as I do you have to have a the experience and will to deal with them. Even if I were able to open my mind and show these truths they could destroy someone mentally.

   I'm left in a sea of people sailing on imaginary ships. If I tell them the ship isn't there, they'll consider it, but still sail on. And if they believe it, experience it, they'll drown.


   I have always been apart from other in this aspect, but now I come to realize that the gap is beyond large.

    And I'm left with the ever present question: Why me?

    I know many others are searching for answers, but why does mine get so far. I know many times I would have been stuck in a loop of ignorance if it were not for the voice, which is all I can call it. It's like it singled me out and chose to teach me and refuses to leave me in the dark. I really don't think I would have progressed this far if it were not for that. But then why? Why not everyone who seeks it? Why am I shown these things and left to discover these things by myself?

    The dream/awakening was a step, but the voice has always been there. These truths would most likely been discovered. But the dream/awakening only serves as evidence that for ,some reason, I have no control over this. I've hardly meditated. Hardly studies chakras. I know of them and have an understanding that I've grown to know on my own. Strangely, things that I already had an idea of before reading about them. But not a vast experience of them.

    The point is, the is no point. There is no reason to single me out and show me these things. I can't teach anyone, or share it. I live a VERY ordinary life and I don't see any ultimate purpose for this coming. I could deal with it if there were. If I felt that maybe it was all for a reason so I could teach, guide people. But I just don't see it. I like helping people, trying to guide them, but sometimes the things I say are so over their head that it becomes pointless. I used to think that teaching and guiding people was my purpose, however I know that hopeing to do so and the desire to be important is a human condition. As much as it would help if it were true, the evidence of my life doesn't support it.
 
     Granted, people walk away with eyes a little more open and some thoughts pumping, but its only on rare occasions that I'm put into those situations. My life doesn't have anything or anyone around me that could use or wants my insight.

     I feel at times that it's all wasted. That attention has been given to the wrong person. That it should have been given to someone whose life circumstances would allow it to come to some good use.

    I do hold hope that maybe it will come to use, however to truly look at things clearly, one must accept that possibility that it won't, otherwise you endanger yourself of being trap in another cycle of illusion.

    In the end, I wish for ignorance, as I'm sure many others do. What is the point of truth if I cannot share it. And GOD I wish I could share it. Share what I see now. Share the experience of existence and the void. The symmetry, even in the chaos. And the chaos in the symmetry. The way it all spirals down into oblivion, but isn't lost. To exist because we don't exist. To see the illusion for what it is, an illusion, but to also know that the illusion is real because we will it to be. To know that everything is real, because nothing is.



     But here I sit. Wishing I didn't see so that I might at least have someone I can relate to. But the voice speaks to me and my incisive curiosity commands me to question. There will be more vales that will fall. More truths that will be discovered. Truths in-which I'll be left alone to experience both their glory and tragedy. I wish it would stop, but I've given up trying.




       Well done if you actually read all of this. I guess I just had some things to get off my chest. It doesn't make the problems go away, but it helps.
   
   

Joey  
   
   

[Joey]

About 3 years ago I had the strangest dream. Now, I no longer believe it was a dream, but perhaps more of an awakening. In this dream I was laying on my bed with my arm on my forehead. I was stuck, paralyzed and dreaming. I saw myself walking around the room. He/I was talking to me. Talk about things and showing interest in things that I wouldn't. Like another type of me.

    Suddenly, this other me looked down and saw that I was asleep. He/I started saying my name, trying to get my attention. Then, He/I grabbed my foot and shook it to try and wake me up.

    Then the roller coaster happen. A gigantic rush of electricity went from my feet and exploded through my body and cascaded upwards until it hit my head.

   Suddenly I was in blackness, flying what seem to be backwards, or just seemed backward because I was laying on my back and seemed to move with the electricity.

    Then, cascading light. I rushed forward and through blinding white light over and over again. Colliding with one, then through it, then would approach another. Over and over again. I was scared. Everything was moving so fast. Then, as I approached the final one, I held position and a voice echoed loud "I am the mountain, you are the bomb. No longer shall you impurify me" As the voice spoke, I glared at the light and in the intensity of it there was, what seemed to be, flesh being burned away.

    Suddenly, after the flesh was burned and the voice had said what they had to say, I turned 'left'. Before me was a HUGE grid of white lights. All perfectly spaced in squares. There seemed to be hundreds. I flew down and to the left again toward one EXTREMELY FAST and I hit it...

     And as soon as I did, I woke up. The experience left me shooken and confused, to say the least.



     I've been reading more and more of this site and I have to ask, because I'm curious. What did I expense exactly?

     The intense electrically sensation that exploded out of me I think was a Kundalini awakening, but also the image of flesh being burnt away, was that Serpent Fire Tummo. The cascading white light fits this rather well too. Then what was the voice or the image of the grid of lights?

    I guess in the end it doesn't matter, but I'd like input or opinions.


    By the way, reading the post and experiences on here has really been a confort. I really wish I would have found this a year or so ago when I was really upside down. For those going through it right now where you don't know which end is up and you feel like you are turning inside out: Don't worry, it gets better. It's true what they say. It gets easier when you don't fight it.


    But really, its amazing how similar everyone's experience has been to mine. From everything to having flashes of old memory suddenly come up out of nowhere to usual sexual desire. It's amazing to know that this process was felt and being felt by others. I know I'm not done yet. Its sometimes glories, sometimes....not so much.


       Well, thanks again,

                 Joey.

[Nakia]

Thank you for writing this Joey.  Very beautiful of you to share.  I thought it was eloquently put.

"I just realized that I have written a very long message and hope that I will not be judged for how this is expressed or the experience itself.  It was very ego based and thankfully so, so as to face it and become more of our true selves which is happy and bright as we remember ourselves being children before we were rejected and labeled as 'bad and weird' kids from our family etc."

I'm beginning to feel not so lonely in my state of mind and experiences especially after reading this.  So estranged, my husband and I, from our families that we wonder where our tribe is that feel these intense charges.  He went through a very intense process that landed him in the mental hospital from sharing the voices and insights that he felt, especially when met with the human condition to want to feel important after being told for so long by family that you are stupid, weird and nothing. 
The only reason I didn't go 'there' was because I went the other end from going into public rants about the many dimensional visitors telling him to tell everyone, very judgementally, about not being in an illusion...also that he was not himself but of another species, and being incarnated as the 'minister of music' of ancient origins and things(which we still are trying to sort from which is the need to feel important and which is true without feeling ashamed as if still trying to feel important)...  Isn't that amazing, trying not to feel ashamed of being connected to God/Goddess??....Anyhow I didn't go 'there' because I was on the opposite end of the spectrum where I would withdraw and not want to speak or wake up in deep depression from not living up to something/someone that I was 'supposed' to do/be...So I didn't bother anyone to the point where they feel they need to be protected from me...

Finding the balance and the joy in the explosion that has happened in our lives and learning how to discern between the God/Goddess/higher self expressing and the lower chakra/dimensional emotions of the ego's  yucky stuff.  We spewed incredible acid onto each other from our fears/insecurities for a good while and felt burnings and some strange type of exorcism spiritually and physically that was unlike anything we ever could have imagined.  Something literally on that literal day that turned to night was being released in an intense physical pain from his stomach in a very humiliating manner where it seemed terminal. 

We realized/felt like we actually made an agreement a long long time ago in another reality to stay committed to helping/birthing each other in our painful transformations as that is the ONLY way we could have stayed together through the tornado of events and ugliness in ourselves that came up.

It surrounded us like a monster surrounding us...like an amazing horror grabbing us...forcing us to mirror each other and bring up deeply ingrained issues with absolutely no escape...

Sending us in a rabbit hole type deal that we are so thankful to have come out alive with a new understanding that he is not crazy, I'm not crazy but willing to be aware of the illusion even if it means turning everything upside down and releasing all the things we hold dear i.e. each other and our musical ambitions and sense of some mission to spread a cosmic light to the world with Rock n Roll. 

Things weren't working out with the music because although we believe in ourselves and our talent, secretly we didn't feel that we deserved to be successful because of deep past pain and rejection.  Self sabbatoge of needeing too much to belong and be accepted.  We were being rejected and ridiculed everywhere for being too weird or too beautiful(imagine that) or too something in different social groups.  It really really hurt. Plus we were reading about the Annunaki and focusing on that brought us into a dimension we were definitely not ready for especially with all the emotional baggage we had...We went into the beacon mission real hard and felt we were to disseminate some message, which may be true at some point, but not with the way were looking at it.  We were needing to be needed and wanted to have a purpose that would validate us being so 'weird' in our naive and seeming underdeveloped maturity or 'real' outlook.  Felt like Pinnochio always falling for something...

We had to give it all up because our seemingly failed ambitions and the behavior patterns of each other were squeezing us inside out.  Thankfully so.  We see that we were being guided forcefully, after we willingly and easily came to the realization that the religions that were raised in and the ideals that were imposed upon us amongst almost everything on the outside we believed were illusion, to see the illusion in ourselves that was being reflected to us by these painful experiences.
Whew!!!
We are much more peaceful feeling although there is alot of work to do and many layers of the illusion to peel off.  At least now we know that is what is happening and we don't belong in mental hospitals for
"bi-polar or borderline personality disorder".  What a Eureka!!!

All of this is to say THANK YOU for sharing your truth and letting me feel it is okay to be "okay" with mine, yours and everyone's.

Much Love and Appreciation to You on your journey. 

[Nakia]

What I really wanted to say was that...just by you being in your truth...it will mean alot to others...confused ones becoming a little less confused...little by little.

It really meant alot to me in a way I can't explain, the way you described your experience and your feelings without pretense of grandiosity.

Please continue in your journey as it IS important/beatiful/encouraging/comforting/even if you don't know exactly how yet.

I am not able to give you answers to your questions but I can send you love.

Hope you feel it.

Nakia

[Mystress]

  Beautiful post, Joey: 

        I spent most of my life feeling like you do, social misfit because of seeing too much.  That is part of why I get so much enjoyment from hosting these spaces where we awakened misfits can feel less alone.

  Join the K-list... http://kundalini-gateway.org  so you can have regular social contact with other awakened people, even if it is only by email it makes a huge difference.  Be sure to read the list guidelines before posting but feel free to share your experiences and meet other folks who had it happen too.

  The whole "why me?" thing is ego, really.  Why not you?  Ego wants reasons, let it go...
 
  As to other, the voice is likely the heart voice... the web you saw is called the Etheric grid, it is like the underlying blueprint for reality. The sparks may have been souls, you returned to yours.

  The experience of the body burning up is associated with a awakening or rebirth, pretty classic actually.

  Join the list. Being able to talk to people about this stuff and actually have them understand it will get rid of the sense of futility and loneliness and actually make it easier to talk to non awakened folks without going over their head all aloof like that. 

   Blessings...

[Joey]

Wow. I wrote this so long ago and, because of computer problems soon after, I never checked back in on it until now.

Thank you, Nakia. That means allot to me for you to say that. I think many can agree that sometimes it's hard to talk about these things with out feeling like you are being pretentious. I can't tell you how pleased I am that I did not come off that way. And I'm really happy that my long rant helped. We are all creators of our truths and realities, and if what I wrote helped put you at more peace with yours, and everyone else's...well, I'm humbled. Thank you.

Mystess: You were right. Recently I found someone who actually listens to my rants. It's actually a little strange to have these conversations with someone else instead of myself But I have noticed that getting it out, and actually conversing more with another person has helped incredibly in being able to talk about it without feeling like I'm going over anyone's head. Infact, I'm beginning to see that the problem, or obstacle was me all along. I know it as I came to it, however talking with someone else is truly helping me see how others come to their own truths and being able to relate the skills I've learned to that, so that hopefully they can find what they need. And if nothing else, I'm finding that the isolation felt in this quest is not as defined as I believed. Perhaps the methods and passion differs, but the questions are shared.


It truly has been interesting


Thank you again for this site. It really has been a comfort to know that I'm not alone. I'm realizing more and more that we all suffer from the same problem.

We all think we're alone, so we just assume it to be true.




Joey