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[Da Zues Mon]

i was experimenting with psilocybin mushrooms with 2 other friends one night. as i entered my trip, i wandered outside because i forgot my cup of water. as i go to open the door, it was as if something opened it for me, and it wanted me to come outside, it had something for me.I stepped outside to find a shadowy, cloaked, manifestation of what appeared to be Death. I did not welcome it at first, i didnt know what it was. i started communicating with it, asking it why was it here and what it wanted with me and my household. Without notice, it revealed to me something i was not prepared to see, at all. Its really hard to explain but the closest description i could use for what I saw was the Big Bang, the moment of creation, the birth of our universe and All That Is. i denied it's gift and told it that i didn't want it and that it wasnt for me.shortly after going inside, the trip went downhill. I turned extremely sick and had some sort of paralysis. this "Death" figure was with me the whole time, projecting everything in my world that i didnt want to see or feel. it got to the point where i seriously thought i was dying. I drove myself into what some would call insanity and i was extremely suicidal. i was throwing up and my whole world was being washed away and destroyed, and Death was with me the whole way. it was something so profound and painful in every aspect possible. Eventually having to come to terms with my demise, i also came to terms with something else i can't explain. After realizing that I was not really dying, i came to realize something profound within myself.a part of me died that no longer served a purpose, and a part of me was born that seems more in tune and connected with the "greater scheme of things".definitely, a sense of rebirth.

im just wondering whether this was a shamanic initiation, or just some sort of ego-death, and whether i will see this "Death" figure once again and will he greet me once again with the same destructive force as his introduction.

Please if anyone has any inputs on this matter i would greatly appreciate it so that i wont misunderstand the experience for something else or to prepare myself for something to come if that's the case.

Thank you very much
ONE LOVE------------------------------NAMASTE

[Mystress]

  Seeing death/portal guardian while on shrooms doesnt make you a shaman. Resisting a spiritual process that is offered, if using entheogens in sacred space is a bad idea unless you think bad trips are fun. Part of the portal guardians job is to scare the crap out of you if you wander too close to the portal before you have cleared enough karma to travel there safely. 
  A partial ego death, yes. Shaman initiation, no.  Stop messing with drugs ok? Whatever you didnt clear this time will come up next time worse.

[Da Zues Mon]

Mystress thank you so much for your response. And I don't even wanna mess with drugs anymore after that trip lol. I think I've gotten what I needed from drugs and I feel that I don't need to sacrifice the functioning of my chakras to educate myself on an aspect within, because now i see, the power lies within. I had to ground myself shortly after the trip because of what it did to my chakras. Is there anything else i should hear for helping me out with the clearing of my karma?

Again, thank you very much.

ONE LOVE____________NAMASTE

[Nevah Entitar]

While I am in no position to contradict the Mystress, having only recently been drawn here out of admiration and respect for his wisdom, do not be so hasty to deny the potential legitimacy of spiritual experiences on psychedelics. Revisit the places and entities witnessed under psychedelic influence once you have achieved a higher state of meditative competency, but I agree; DO NOT under any circumstances keep playing around with chemicals for now. I had a very similar experience to yours while swimming too deeply in those waters, and it took a very long time to recover my ability to be at spiritual peace with myself and the universe and to be able to meditate or even live from a healthy perspective. However, while the journey was very difficult, I have found no experience more vindicating than to find myself washed up on the shore of my own consciousness, naked and alone, forced to justify myself before the Goddess and the Universe, and finding that unconditional love still as strongly as ever as soon as I let down my guard and opened myself up to it.

It is an unconventional and masochistic and easily-disdained view that I hold, but I hold that in some circumstances ego mutilation, ego torture, can serve higher purposes than ego death. That trip was not a shamanic initiation, but it might be a preview. Some day, the secrets may be shown to you again, and when they are, you will not doubt their truth, for they are the same universal secrets that all spiritual adepts eventually find.

Do not let anyone tell you that just because you were tripping you didn't have a spiritual experience. That's just sober chauvenism, and the Huasca mystics will laugh at them for centuries. Feel free to ignore my warnings and do more shrooms. Next time you see the portal guardian, interact with him and break through. That's what I eventually did and it brought closure to my journey, though looking back on it I'm almost certain the journey could have been easier had I been less foolish.

Do not be afraid to be the Prodigal Son to the Goddess. But realize: THIS ROAD IS A HARD ONE.

[Da Zues Mon]

whats funny Nevah is that your warning of not doing shrooms again was a lil too late and what is even funnier is that i did what you said of the portal guardian/shadow before i even read your post on this lol. and i totally understand where you're comin from.
the emptiness that surrounds....

[Mystress]

While I am in no position to contradict the Mystress, having only recently been drawn here out of admiration and respect for his wisdom,

  I'm female.
  I have used a few types of entheogens, as part of my Shaman training and as directed (insisted!) by my spirit guide in the 90's. I have been spontaneously experiencing altered mystical states as a small child, which gave me a lot more psychological resilience than most people.  I have been warned against using them on many occasions. I haven't used any in years. 

  I've seen some pretty awful casualties too, people using drugs to blow the doors off the portal and having a terrible time trying to put themselves back together afterwards. Ending up in the psyche ward.  Its using a sledgehammer where a feather would do better! Trying to force awakening or spiritual experiences with drugs, is not surrender.

  Psychoactive drugs are psychologically dangerous and often illegal. Do not promote the use of them on this forum. Thank you.

[Steelyknives]

I must thank you from the bottom of my heart Mistress, your intuition and logic provided clarity and conception in regards to this matter that i just did not posses before

[Nevah Entitar]

First, Mystress, I'm terribly sorry for the typo; I'm really horrible with pronouns but I knew you were indeed female. No major offense, I hope! 

Second, thank you, I'll keep to myself re: entheogenic experimentation from now on; there's such a wealth of other relevant subjects that I agree here is neither the time nor the place for discussing this route. This is kundalini-teacher.com, not errant-autoshamanism.com

[Steelyknives]

Nevah Entitar_ i hope u find peace and the true meaning of love..via whatever process that works for you_i sincerely hope you find the closure that you desire..
and if there is any way i can aid that process i will do it with open arms.
                                                                                                                   peace.

[Nevah Entitar]

*smiles* If the Dao has taught me anything, it's to never desire closure, and that peace prevails whether one likes it or not, but your sympathy shines as another beautiful light in the spectrum in which I continue to discover the true meaning of love.

My thanks, and I hope we can grow and learn from each other in times to come.