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[jimmyb]

Hi, I'm quite new to all this. I've always been a really spritual person but also very sensitive. I've always suffered from anxiety and nerves. Until 18 months ago I was a confident person quite happy with my life, I was then bullied at work I suffered Depression so I left for the past few months I have also suffered with worsened anxiety, panic attacks and worst of all Derealization and Depersonalization. I've heard that most of these mental symptoms are related to part of my spiritual path and that I will pass though and out the other side feeling more spiritually advanced than I was before. Can anyone help me shed some light on any of these symptoms and tell me how they relate to spiritual awakening?

- Anxiety
- Panic Attacks
- Depression
- Depersonalisation/Derealisation (feeling of spaceiness - disconnected from reality and your personality)
- Visual Snow (fuzzy like a poor tv picture)
- Visual Floaters (those weird organisms you can see when you look at the sky)
- Occasional Flashing Lights (some times blue or yellow)
- Flat or 2D visual perception (depth perception problems)
- Things appear to move in the corners of your eyes
- Confusion
- Things appear to move to fast or slightly blurred / blurred vision
- Dizziness
- Sometimes I can hear birds in my head at night although it is quiet
- Ringing ears
- Tingling and pressure in the centre of the forehead
- Occasional uncontrolable movement of chin, eye brows lifting and sometimes my eyes (like theres too much to look at or comprehend)
- Weird dreams
- Waking up at 3am
- Feeling like your head is moving around
- Feeling of your limbs dissapear or swap over
- Inabillity to concentrate or complete/solve simple tasks.
- Problems focusing
- Pupil dilation problems (sometimes one is sometimes bigger than this other and it swaps from side to side but they react perfectly to light )
- slight turned eye (Its my left turned outwards - I heard that he left eye is controlled by the 3rd eye chakra - will it go back to normal?)
- Achey eyes
- insomnia
- Pains in head
- Tiredness
- Inability to express myself, voice feels restricted and croaky when I try to talk to people. My soul does not flow as it should.


Most of these symptoms are dying down now, I am a lot calmer than I was a few months ago however I still feel spacey (does this go away?) and my visual/perceptial problems are still there like the snow, floaters and flashes of light and I am still a little anxious and depressed.

Also will I ever be interested in the things I used to be when I finish my transformation? Theres so many things I cannot be asked to do at the mo - my cars, going out - going to work even has been a near impossible struggle.

I have been to the docs about these symptoms and to the opticians with my pupils with the all clear. The doc tried to put me on anti-depressant but I refuse to take them - they are dangerous. Is there anything I can do to speed upor help the process like meditation or tai chi etc? I heard that rest and good food is a start, I'm also taking vitimins etc.

- Jimmy

[jimmyb]

Also I'm just wondering how long the process is likely to take for me to reach the other side. It's hard work going through this lol  

[angelprayer]

Hello you'll never guess who this is...I'm really pleased to see you here, did I give you this link? I can't remember!

AA

[angelprayer]

Also will I ever be interested in the things I used to be when I finish my transformation? Theres so many things I cannot be asked to do at the mo - my cars, going out - going to work even has been a near impossible struggle.
- Jimmy

Hey,
Your question is really about expectations. All I can say is that for myself, things have definately gotten better. I now enjoy things in a way I previously didn't. For example, I hadn't played the violin for 10 years, but just picked it up again. While my technique is probably not much better...I feel like I am playing music for the first time and totally without effort. The same goes for other stuff. Before the kundalini I would move but I never felt I was alive. Now I feel it gives me a lot of energy for jogging and other activities. So its pretty miraculous stuff and can make things much better if you know how to use it. The real question is whether you want to consciously pay attention to a process, if you believe it is already going on. I think it helps to acknowledge what is happening (if it is happening) then you can just get on with it...and other things like arriving some place will matter less than the being on the path itself. When you feel you are going some place, it is amazing how much you can accept and tolerate. I had panic attacks and fear at one point - coming up from 1st chakra I think - and they have all vanished away like a lot of other stuff. I don't write this elsewhere because it is too good for other people to believe...and I don't like to draw attention to myself.
A

[jimmyb]

Hey hows it going? Yea you gave me the link then I found this board. I believe that I'm going through a spritual process, yes! And I also believe that I will be through with it soon! A lot of my symptoms I find are related to K my head is a mess - way too much energy up there, aching, tiredness, exhaustion etc. I thought with DP that I was going mental with no way out and that I had brain damage but it is slowly getting better - very slowly.

Today I got a major fluttering feeling from my heart to my throat where the collar bones meet in the middle in that 'V' shape do you ever get that? Thought I was having heart palpatations but my heart felt stable. I'm also feeling more depressed recently so maybe I'm coming out the other end, who knows.

JB

[jimmyb]

I know what you mean about the info being too good. Some people can't accept that the soul's energy controls the body/brain. I heard that a patient beat cancer but thinking positively and sub consciously telling himself that he will get better.

I'm thinking of taking up Tai Chi so I can channel my energy better, maybe I can move it down to my other chakras and balance things out a bit. I think I need more rest too lol, I'm so tired today!

[angelprayer]

End points really depend on what you are looking for, or trying to change. I hope you find and end to the depression and depersonalisation. I am not 100% myself - since the depersonalisation started I've been really tired. Even now, with the kundalini and the long jogs, I have issues with exhaustion. So I'd say it is a very long process - it is for me anyway - and that personally I've decided just to enjoy it instead of looking for an end to it. I wouldn't want it to end anyhow, as it is so fulfilling and exciting to be on a permanent exploration of the internal life. I haven't had the fluttering, but have been experiencing the chakras for about 5 years and there have been a number of experiences. From the first experience I noticed that there was always an associated change in how I felt about myself. So I always look for the psychological changes that accompany the sensations. My chakras are still clearing, but I'm hoping the kundalini is going back down after coming up. I find I have periods of certain chakras. So a month of 3rd chakra problems arising...and so on. I go where my awareness takes me. At the moment, I am drawn to issues in the 6th and 5th chakra. It's a good sign if you get feelings between chakras because it may be dissolving webs between them. On the whole I've found those experiences to be the most positive, due to the new found sense of communication between the energy centres. But it happens in bursts, so I never say I've completely seen the end of a path. The solar plexus to throat pathway cleared on a few occasions. I'm also beginning to see that things can temporarily shut off pathways usually in response to negative circumstances/relationships.

[jimmyb]

I know what your saying about negative circumstances/relationships.

I had a hard time at a previous job as I was bullied and my previous relatioship was very rewarding. Looking back to two people in these situations were very negative where as I was not, I see not that it is possible that their negative energy could have blocked my chakras and weakened my positive energy somewhat although I'm not sure how long it will take to return to normal. I think with Depersonalisation the conscious and emotions shutdown to clear the negative energy increased mental pain. If the consious was properly awake then it would probably be worse!

So when your chakras are clearing can you feel buzzing or movement in those areas? I too am very tired all the while, I need to start resting more.

JB

[jimmyb]

Since Depersonalisation I have not got worse, a bit better infact or am I getting used to this mental state?

Its hard to say, I think I've been better personally even the brain fog is subsiding a little. Yesterday I saw a  tiny white ball of light fly into the right hand side of my chest. Scared the hell out of me. I heard that if you see this then it could be a fairie light? Either that or I've got HPPD lol

I've also been seeing blue lights as well.  8-)

[angelprayer]

Whoa you must be in a spiritual state.

I think you might be right about the clearing feeling like buzzing. I've been feeling my chakras with my hands a bit today - something I don't do as much as I used to because I tend to rely on how I feel psychologically, or internally.

My 1st 3rd, 6th and 7th chakras are all enlarged and buzzing...I'm sort of hoping it is clearance but can't really say. I don't know what is going on with me, but I get these phases of extreme exhaustion where I go to bed and dono't eat or drink for a while - because I have not the drive to even do that. I'm not necessarily depressed, just utterly merged with my bed.

When this happens I notice my skin seems to get thinner in some parts of my body and I feel much more subtle.

It just get the feeling sometimes that i'm almost permanently purging from my psychological body, like automatically.

But it is a little unsettling and I sort of wish I could find some stability instead of feeling like a bag of electrons.

Hope you are well.
AA

[angelprayer]

And the light thing is mega cool....I got quite attached to that. I haven't seen any lately unfortunately.

[jimmyb]

Yea light thing scared the hell out of me, I've been really jumpy for a longtime now well since I've been depressed. Had a really tiring day today. I just feel so drained and a bit flu-like - aching a tiny bit my body feels a bit tender if you get what I mean, I just feel really out of my head and I got a sore throat as well but I'm a little bit more chatty than usual, not much more though. I've been in a more negative state this afternoon, I was thinking to myself that I could have avoided all this if I've have made different choices in life and I got really angry and tearful as well cause my new job is just carnage but I'm ok now - after this I'm sure I'll be stronger than I could ever imagine!

I know for sure that my future hold good fortune I can feel it! I'm looking forward to getting through this as soon as possible, I've also been seeking reassurance and guidence from godess - I've asked for negative energy and Karma to be taken from my body and to be put back where she thinks best so hopefully that is having some effect. As well as that I asked if she could find all the parts of my soul and put them back in my body.

[angelprayer]

Sweet. It's really nice to speak to a bloke who is into this.

I also have benign symptoms - a few swollen lymph nodes in my armpit, reacting badly to excess grease.

Remember not to beat yourself up about external things too much but ride the wave. I know other people who live with regrets and it is a very corrosive thing. It might be misguided but I always believe that things are here, and now for a reason, and that it is a good thing, no matter how it appears.

Transforming circumstances into lessons is a thing of the 5th chakra, so I read yesterday. And anyway, that is true alchemy...turning things into gold. The throat chakra is also associated with aspirations and dreams.

It's also an enjoyment/self-image centre. It's been my favorite for a while, but my favorite is now my heart, even though they are all equal and meaningful I guess.

My throat has been reacting a bit to things in my external life changing, but overall I find just observing these changes is enough.

With your 3rd eye abilities you shoul be able to clear things by visualisation quite easily, or find where the problem is.

[jimmyb]

Yea, I've had achey glands and stuff that has gone down and I totally agree when you say that everything happens for a reason I always thought this a long while ago when good things I wanted to happen WERE HAPPENING! Probably due to my spiritual magnetism? When I first started to suffer from depression and things started to go down hill I became very sceptical and negative about everything I thought my life was past its mark but after reading into sprituality and Kundalini as well it has given me belief in myself again and I realise that this period of psycological pain was triggered for a reason - to become stronger and more aware of myself. My body is telling me to listen to it again as I have blocked out my feelings for years and lost them! Before I was VERY aware - I felt like my life, movement and understanding of the world was being fed towards me, I could feel the path of life in my soul - I need this again!

Wrong choices I have made and the past I am nearly done with now due to DP actually, apathy has caused me not to care about anything, I will do again but at the mo my body/soul is changing.

With the 3rd eye I haven't had any major experiences but it does buzz quite a lot at the mo especially yesterday! My sight is a bit cloudy/foggy at the mo (dunno if you get that?) and blurred, I get snow and floaters but most of this is probably part of my visual tranformation? Along with all the lights and stuff etc.

[angelprayer]

Now's the only time you will ever be connected with yourself authentically.

I'm only reflecting on my experience. It's my life plan and desire to connect to my real self instead of feeling there is something amiss. My life has perfectly set me up to acheive this challenge as for the most part, I have been disconnected from myself. Root chakra problem I believe. I have a very problematic relationship with my mother, which is very demanding of my resources and attention. It sort of takes me away from myself because I find it hard to relax around her. Rather than be unhappy about living with her for a few months, it is the perfect opportunity to learn how to relax and be 1st chakra confidence, and authentic, in her company. I'm hoping it will help me forgive her and put the past in the past, if you know what I mean.

[jimmyb]

Yea, thats a good goal to aim for. My aim is to reconnect with myself with a greater insight about who I really am and also to just naturally flow along the path of life. I've spent too long in this phsycological prison. Times a healer!

[angelprayer]

Hope so.

I don't know what I'm even looking for anymore...I think i need to chill out a bit and try not to direct things.

[jimmyb]

Yea I wasn't gonna say anything but now that you mention it I think you need to leave expectation up to the flow of nature, don't get too obsessed with your path, Godess will lead you as she feels neccessary. Be aware, but I would imagine that forcing too much energy on the subject can probably bind it a bit - go with the flow and you will sub-consciously lead your own. Life is a meditation in itself - awareness and insight with the world around you as well as being aware of you own sub-consious mind as a no-physical realm of energy worked for me before my life became complicated and negative experience caused me to spiral out of control. I used to imagine that the sub-conscious mind was an underlying world in control of everything around me - experience, events, good things in life, feelings, emotions, well everything that was me was magnetically held in place by this energy. I could talk to myself and my mind would talk back with positive results - I just hope I can get back to the path I have left - time will tell.

When things are right you should feel like you are a magnetic point of energy in which the good things and events you need are sub-consciously driven towards you and the world around you should feel like a straight path which comes to a point. People and the world around you will look amazing cause you can feel everything. Thats how I used to feel anyway and it felt so good, the only way I can describe it is that I just knew, I had insight to what was under lying the world of physical senses and perception, I dunno what happened, I'm so sensitive the slightest negative energy has a major adverse affect on my energy, I used to be able to feel another persons intention and energy but now I cannot as much. Too much time spent trapped around negative people has really screwed up my energy and I don't know how to set it right again  

Don't look for the answers and they will come to you, just be aware, know that you are guided by the higher self and things will eventually happen.

JB

[angelprayer]

I have to be completely honest and say I underestimated you in a big way...your description sounds incredible. I get it a bit. I have felt the centre of myself...in myself. Not bound by the way I look, or who loves me, who does not...just pure existance. I haven't felt able to align this so much with my external reality, however. Much as I would like to have an alchemic effect on the physical circumstance and people around me, that is always out of the picture. I've found it very hard indeed to bridge my internal and external life and still to this day struggle with issues of how to act...
I guess my relationships feel much better but that's because I have an almost internal attitude to intuiting people...so I do not rely so much on how they appear but what I believe lies underneath...it helps me to look beyond sometimes, and see their souls...and know there is beauty beyond what is even imaginable.

I have to think like this otherwise I am existentially depressed. I have to think people are good. I have to think I am good. I have to think life is good. I have to think there is a source and relief of emotions....it's got to the point of no doubt. I don't give two hoots about the "reality" of life because beliefs like this impact on life in such a big way.

I like the kundalini because it provides a view of the psyche which is pure, complete and unconditional. Without that I would probably still believe in my mother's view which is that I am bad. I hated feeling like an unworthy person.

My main problem is that I wonder if it is wrong to feel alright? I need to find some kind of balance...a bridge to the external at the very least.

Advise welcome.

[jimmyb]

I can see that you childhood experience has had a major effect on your state of mind but I'm impressed that you realise that life is more than a rat-race and physical experience which revolves around social status. I have before realised pure existance but have also had an amazing relationship with the physical world as an experience. I think buddism teaches that the mind should disconnect from the experience of the physical world completely in order to reach a blissful state. Personally I beleive that spiritual and physical insight should be completely equal to each other as you exist in both - with this in mind you can take control of the whole experience as one - for you exist as both human form and higher-in if self.

Your higher-self put you here for a reason, your energy has to be transmitted somewhere so you are here. The higer-self is your guide if a person seeks this guidence then life can be very rewarding. I believe that life it to be enjoyed to the full but also to realise that you are also a higher-self. For me I need to have the 2 combined equally to enjoy a good balance. So I guess in a way my energy would rest halfway between me and my higher-self creating one experience of ultimate insight. At the moment my energy has been focused on negative thought and experience causing vast amounts of confusion, I tried too hard to forget about my feelings and live with it instead of listening to my heart which is now seriously clouded through betral. How do I get this back.

I think you need to get the physical existance part into the picture, it will help with grounding. Positive life experience is the best way of bridging this. I think you focus and energy is too internal, like me there is probably too much energy in your head, you need to give yourself a rest (easier said then done). I struggle to act normal myself but this is related to anxiety as well as internal self image. I think you are right in saying that what lies beneath is most important but I also think that the way people present themselves is also a representation of what is going on inside. If you are trying to read a souls energy then I always found it easiest to realise them on an open plane sort of halfway between auras if you like - not internally on your part or theres but to realise them equally as a physical and spiritual being in a physical and spiritual realm gives a better insight. People used to have an amazing effect on my well being, if they were jealous or did not like me I knew exactly what they were feeling cause I caould feel it too, I could adapt to a persons wavelength and key into their vibe. This can be good or bad, in my case time around negative and confused people hasn't been in my favor.

About perceiving people - you do not have to think that people and life are good neccessarily. You think and perceive what comes natural, at the mo there are so many good thinks in my life but I always wake up in the morning and think - why do I not feel the way I used to towards these things - they are still good, and some people are still bad but I have no emotion to care about this concept at the moment - I just am until this period passes.

You are not unworthy - far from it. I feel the same at the mo although I know I am not. There are a lot of people who respect me for who I am and the impact I made before this bad period began and even now.

Your goal is to feel amazing, go with the flow and be who your really are without restrictions or limitations and it will happen, I promise, you need to find an external bridge and work hard to build it!

[jimmyb]

I think my problem is that there is so much energy in my body for it work properly my chakras need to be clear for everything to work and at the moment they are probably blocked pretty bad.

[Mystress]

Yea I wasn't gonna say anything but now that you mention it I think you need to leave expectation up to the flow of nature, don't get too obsessed with your path, Godess will lead you as she feels neccessary. Be aware, but I would imagine that forcing too much energy on the subject can probably bind it a bit - go with the flow and you will sub-consciously lead your own. Life is a meditation in itself - awareness and insight with the world around you as well as being aware of you own sub-consious mind as a no-physical realm of energy worked for me before my life became complicated and negative experience caused me to spiral out of control. I used to imagine that the sub-conscious mind was an underlying world in control of everything around me - experience, events, good things in life, feelings, emotions, well everything that was me was magnetically held in place by this energy. I could talk to myself and my mind would talk back with positive results - I just hope I can get back to the path I have left - time will tell.JB

 You won't get back there. Stop trying to recreate the past. Change is the only constant. You will move forward, to a new and different place. There is no limit, to bliss...

  Blessings...

[jimmyb]

Your right! The future holds more than the past.

[angelprayer]

Thanks Jimmy...
It is amazing how little I actually connect to the message i wrote myself which is above. That describes a purely internal experience which I tried to take refuge in. I don't dispute your emphasis on the value of external. I hate being bound by it, but also need to be connected with it...otherwise I would go mad with existential....ness.

Anyway, after writing more about things, and realising these psychological remnants from my past (ie. not being worthy of someone caring about me) I do feel more connected. I had a really good cry and lost everything, and now I'm back.

I'm also having problems with my appearance at the moment, though, which perturbs me possibly because I believed the external was an expression of the internal. I find it hard to integrate my face and see it as a whole. For the time being I see two halves - the upper and the lower - and cannot seems to see the whole shape....the emphasise is on the lower half and I do not feel whole or at ease seeing myself.

It occured to me when describing this to someone today that the mental split I have IS between higher and lower self and that if I was able to solve that I might actually get somewhere.

The space which you describe between auras is called the potential space in psychology, if my mind (an interpretation) serves me correct.

I am actually beginning to think my life purpose and enjoyment doesn't lie in people, negative as that sounds. When I say looking into people, what I mean, is remembering that they are spirit. It's somethng I've been trying to do more lately, but is hard to sustain. Anyway.....