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[Charlotte]

I trust this group so I'm asking your advice - I had a reading with Mystress last year and she was great. I'd be consulting her about this in person if she wasn't busy....

Last year I was experiencing a pretty full-on "awakening". To use the only language I know, my personality was integrating. I'd never been interested in spiritual development before it started happening so I was desperately confused but uplifted by many encouraging experiences and revelations.

To cut a long story short, however, I chose to get upset by somebody. I accept responsibility for this but at the time I was teetering on the edge of serious instability - the ensuing negative emotions and ostracism by the "mentor" who had invited me into then chucked me out of her organisation (my fault) swung me into full negative breakdown and I spent a year experiencing extreme isolation and mood swings (from suicidal to mild worthlessness was about as good as it got). I even physically disabled myself. Of course, it was very self-centred.

Now, it feels like I missed the bus. But what a bus to miss!

I am slowly emerging from the depression - with good new lessons, of course - but wondering if I damaged my energetic structure permanently or whether it is possible to regain the state of elevation I left and continue developing? Can your personality half integrate? Will I be destined to be the one who failed; who walks round with her half-integrated personality hanging out of the top of her head like a great big ugly Noddy hat? That is how it feels. There are other issues, too - there was a lot of astrology stuff.....I feel I have missed various astrological boats because I was having a breakdown.  There's lots else - not understanding does a head in and I am very ignorant.

Does that make any sense? Can anybody help? Thanks so much in advance for any guidance, however brutal.

Charlotte

[Mystress]

Charlotte:

   The answer is no.  You are fine.  The stuck place lies in looking backward, trying to recreate the past. Will you go back to that place? No. Let go of that, Goddess has new and more interesting places yet to be revealed.

  Kundalini has its orbit, ups and downs, but like the great spiral dance of the solar system, never exactly the same place twice, the whole galaxy spinning through the void.  Speaking of which, why give power away to astrology? You make it be God for you then you worry?  Sounds kind of silly...    Say it out loud "Fuck astrology! My life belongs to Goddess and the stars can go whistle!"

[mattie]

Charolette:  You are being extremely critical & judgmental of yourself.  Stop the destructive self-criticism immediately.  

Your "breakdown" may have been a necessary part of your growth in that it is often said that what is characterized as "breakdowns" is necessary for us to take a good look at our lives in a way that we may not have been able to before.  

You seem to have put considerable importance in your mentor.  While it is nice to get guidance from a more experienced person, there are many enlightened people.  The ones who are deserving of emulating will not deliver negativity.  Displaying negativity towards you instead of love & understanding should be an immediate red flag that this person is a poser.  Be very wary if this person was trying to create a situation where you were dependent on their being a link to your higher awareness.  A good teacher/mentor should help you find your way, not want you to worship their advanced knowledge & grandness.  

I take issue w/ your description of yourself as "ignorant".  You obviously have higher intelligence to even be interested in embarking on a learning process of enlightment.  You are seriously pondering things that most of the folks on the planet never think about once!  

Never denegrate yourself because there is more you want to learn, just congratulate yourself for what you have learned.  We can waste lots of energy that could be put to good use exploring our innate energy by beating up on ourselves.

Being able to love yourself unconditionally, regardless of the decisions you have made or make is the key.  I am acutely aware of this because of working through my own issues of self-worth & living with a wonderful person who has only recently been able to introduce the concept of self-love to himself.