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[Maximus]

Originally this was meant to be a reply to Da Zues Mon's thread

about psychedelics, but I deviated from the subject, had some questions

regarding other things, and decided to start a new thread.
      I'm 19 years old Male.
      I had some very terryfying experiences on mushrooms as well, but I

didn't know they can be THAT dangerous. I had few trips before my

spiritual awakening, two after I started to practice, and four trips after

the flow of Kundalini became stronger. Why did I persist? Because of

stupid expectations like this: "Ow I had sooo much fun back then(before

being awakened), I want to try it again!". Most people have spiritual

experience on mushrooms, and then begin their path. I had it the other way

around. First I started meditating, and then I had a spiritual experience

on shrooms.
   
     I Remember having periods of intense paranoia and depression earlier

in my life, having strange feeling in my head plus feeling of having

spasmatic worms under the skin of my body. It would last for months and

then disappear. Also I had strange impressions that everyone are crazy:

people in TV, my family, friends etc. In the most intense period I told my

parents about this, and we visited lotsa doctors, but they would tell me

that everything was OK with me. That I'm too nervous. Well, yeah, I was

nervous because  I didn't know what was going on!!
     
     Years passed, I started practising, I've found this site.
     
     About one year and a half ago I was experiencing classic symptoms. I

came across this site, I have read things about Kundalini but I was still

confused about what was going on. I was blaming the entities for having

this waves of anger and strange needles on my skin.
   Back to the topic, I wanted to try mushrooms again... I was hesitating

because I had a extremely horryfying bad trip last time, which was a gift,

because it showed me that the problem was REPRESSING the emotions instead

of surrendering them, but more of that later...
   So, I was alone in my room, about 9 months on my path,  and I finally

ate them. Everytime I thought of tripping my body would shake a bit, and I

had mild waves of fear. Maybe it did not want to trip... After some

buzzing and shaking I started to feel an intense ember in my tailbone

which would slowly ascend. I laid on my bed, and waited. Then my chest

started to feel extremely warm. Then my neck. And then I heard a loud

roaring and humming when the energy entered my head. The concept of time

wasn't relevant anymore, and I was bathed in EXTREME ecstasy which I've

never felt in my life. This huge stream of light which was shooting out of

the top of my head felt like a great cosmic orgasm, like a cosmic mother

hugging me(It felt very female). I felt that outer reality didn't exist,

that we are all one with Goddess in this place within. And Goddess is like

constant never-ending orgasm. I re-discovered almost every spiritual truth

which I came across on the internet, and back then they were soo obvious

to me. The eternal moment of here and now, etc.

    But there is a price. I became fed up with all this love and joy, I

couldn't take it anymore. I started to feel bad. Then I started to have

this feeling which was very familiar to me. Very depressing, but I

couldn't cry. I wish I could, but I couldn't. It wasn't like fear, it

wasn't like sadness. Pure depression. But I had fully, totally accepted

this state, and just waited for end. It was hardcore. Rarely when I

experience hard stuff I have so much grace in me. The depression and K

flow slowly faded together with the effect of psylocybin on my brain.

  The second tirp was almost the same. Amost. Well, extasy was really

short. And the stuff rising was much harder then the last time. Lotsa

tears, and during the trip I've asked angels, Goddess, anything, to end

this.
   It ended, but with the breaking down of the chemical... so it took some

time.

   The third is labeled as the greates horror of my life. It happened

almost exactly one year after my first bad trip on shrooms. And it was

almost exaclty the same, but harder. My 2 friends wanted to trip with me.

They weren't "spiritual" and I don't have ANY "spiritual" friends to this

day . When I tried to describe the previous experiences to them, they

would not understand(well I fully understand that they would not). And

they think I went a bit crazy since I started to meditate... Well, looking

back at my experiences I should have said a big NO. Well, I

should. But I thought:"maybe this time it'll be different..." So we found

a cool place in forest and ate about 3 grams(Later we have discovered that

the weight has a malfunction... so in a fact, we ate 4 grams...) And then

it began! The cold flame at the base of my spine, anf HUUUGE wave of fear.

My pals were having fun, but I was laying on blanket in an emotional dark

hole of extreme fear. The ringing, the roaring. Ok, I've jumped into dark

hole, and then the fear has been released! Ive turned my attention

outwards and had some fun with my 2 friends. Mostly laughing as hell. Then

I felt that we are all one person.  That there's one spirit everywhere,

and I felt my ego dissolving... Wow. 

   But it was short, and then the negativity came. And I have simply

forgot to surrender!!! I started to begging God and Angels to make this go

away. Full resistance mode: ON. And then it became the same as one year

ago. (one year ago I ate 3.5, so there is a certain dose after which I get

dellsuional)I've found myself in a same place. I got extremely

dellusional. I thought that the creation is a neverending hell, That I

have sucked joy from others, and now I have to suffer. That Creation  is a

mechanical empty mechanism and no one controls it. Endless Klein bottle of

suffering. I came from dimension where there is no physical form, and it

was empty. Total emptiness. So I came to physical. And the horror is even

there. That all these spiritual people, on this site and others are just a

bunch of freaks who want make sense of that which has no sense, no aim.

There is no Goddess. Each horror of unconscious exploded on me. I felt soo

insecure in this forest, I thought that the police will came and arrest us

for tripping. I thought of my mother( i have some scar from childhood

regarding my mother... its like abandonment) and i felt abandoned. Every

fear came up to say hello. I was overwhelmed, overload. There where few

"islands" on a sea of darkness when I wasn't feeling negative, I would

come up to my friends and laugh. But then horror came again. "Never ending

duality... Always I have to suffer, this dark hole..."

    All and all, we came back to my house. I didn't want to let my friends

go because I thought they're on shrooms, and they'll crash on street in a

car, or do something stupid. Fear everywhere. They were talking in my room

and having fun, and I was in a heart of darkness. I said very little to

them during the trip.  And then I regained my sanity. I was like "Ohhhhh

shiiit, wtf just happened to me?". 5 hours passed. And the feeling of an

immortal being came to me. I went through hell. I'm immortal! I am

Indestructable! I had my five minutes of feeling incredible power, and

almost no compassion to anything.
    I wanted to talk to someone about what just happened to me. I wanted

to cry so bad. But I was extremely ashamed to cry around them, so I

stuffed my sadness deep inside me. I have only said that to them that I

have suffered hell, and most likely won't trip again.  I felt so alone

back then, and, well I still do. Its a fist time I'm sharing full story

with anyone about my tripping. My friends have a totally scientific

approach. It so painful to me that I'm not being understood in RL by

anyone...

   

[Maximus]

I had to make 2 posts because message was too long... lol

Well, 4 months after I tripped again, but on much lower dose( it was

in september'09). If the last time didn't teach me enough, this time

definetly did. Same place, one friend was again with me, and the other

tripped first time. They ate their dose, and I gave them good time by

entertaining them. They were tripping balls . I had my dose with me, but

I wasn't sure if It's right to trip. I had a belief back then that Its

good to trip on dose which won't make me dellusional but still will make

me able to release unconscious pain.
   I've flipped a coin, the answer was yes, and so I ate them.

    When they started to take effect, I've asked myself " What the hell

I've just done to myself?" Again, cold flame at the base of my spine plus

extreme paranoia. "Shit, I gotta run away from this!!"... But the other

voice said that I shall surrender, Its only the ego that makes problems by

resistance... And I felt myself being a column of light in a temple of

light... being built from the same material as the temple and other

columns. NO!! I wanted to run away from such realisations... And then I

thought that if I will puke I'll lessen this horror. So I lied to my pals

that I'm feeling sick, and Im going to vomit, because I need relief. I

did. I was looking at little pieces of shrooms in a juice, feeling extreme

combinations of terryfying thoughts and feelings. I've ALMOST lost ability

to raionalise like the other time. I asked Goddess to not to do this now,

I didn't want to scare my friends... I wanted to shout, I wanted to cry,

but I didnt want them to have a bad trip because of my condition. But

its Goddess wills No! I can't!
  Things got balanced somehow. We were coming back through forest, and my

heart totally opened for mother nature. My pineal gland felt like it was

filled with light, and everything which was outside felt unreal. And only

the present moment existed...
   I Had waves of darkness overcoming me in a home and in a way to home,

but I surrendered to them. I felt the pain, and the pain was reflected in

outer reality. Everything seemed dark, birds, cars, people. Hopefully, the

waves were quite short.
    And In my house we had a huge fun watching stupid things on YouTube

and I didn't remember when was the last time that I laughed so hard  .
  It was the 9th trip on psylocybin, and the final one. I felt that _Its a

chemical_ and when I take it, its not surrender... I'd rather have Goddess

cleaning Karma out of me when the time and place is right. No more

psychedelics!

  Everytime I tripped after awakening I felt my three big blockages

hurting badly, because they were blocking the roaring stream of shakti.

The 2nd chakra area, solar plexus, and the back of heart chakra. As of

today it's quite hard to meditate because of them. I sit down, get

grounded, turn my attention to the egg of light and try to maintain

silence. Then the pressure builds up in a tailbone and I'm starting to

shake, my back arches to the front and to the back, I start to swing, to

the left to the right. The more my mind is silent, the most intense it is,

and when I start to have uncontrollable spasms and I simply lose my focus.

And I have to start again. Sometimes energy is directing me somewhere, but

my focus is bad, and then nothing happens. "OMG!! IVE GOT A KRIYA!!" Poof!

the magic is gone My question is, shall I go forward and try to mantain

mind silence and shake as hell, or am I pushing and not surrendering?

    As I said in my other thread, any "negative" situation causes a huge

reaction now. For example I didn't pass an exam. I felt beaten up, I felt

hate and deep sadness, and when I came back home I cried a river for over

an hour. Shakti was cleansing me pretty badly... I felt that all this stuf

came from this huuge dark blockage in my 2nd chakra. And, for now, it

happens almost everyday... for example I start again to feel sad and my

mind starts to pick up everything that fits"I'm lonely, I have to study

what I don't want to study, I'm lonely, I didnt pass, Ill have learn again

what I dont want to etc etc.". My question: Is it good because  it helps

to get this out, or am I getting caught up in emotional stuff? Well,

anyway, I am grateful for that because I can finally be free from this

pain! There is some strange bliss in intense negativity... I think

Mysstress wrote somewhere about that. It is definetly better for me to

feel intense darkness than having it stuffed down there and having its

subtle but strong influence on my life. Quite depressed is worse than

heavy depressed when it comes to releasing, at least for me.
   
   And sometimes It happens around people, and its extremely hard to cope

with. I have a huge problem with shame which I feel is stuffed somewhere

around 2nd chakra. Thats why I wasn't able to look at my previous post, I

felt sooo STUPID, UGLY, AND DIRTY, because I mentioned sexual cravings, of

which I was ashamed and for which I blamed entities. And when I try to

talk to a female person, same thing happens. I feel shakti rising and

burning in my lower back, and think: "ARRRGH, Im SSOO STUPID, DIRTY, AND

UGLY!!ARR!!". At some party, the same. I've just sat on a couch and I

couldn't talk or move, Because I felt huge shame. Dunno why. I didn't know

anyone there, and I barely could talk to someone, because  I was afraid of

being stupid.
  Is there a better way to feel all this?

     So thats the end of my HUGE post. And overall, I do not recommend

tripping with severe blockages, because it is very likely that they'll

open. Not safely, one at a time.  Nearly all of them will come up...

Better not to trip anyway.
    Any insight is greatly appreciated, Namaste!

[Da Zues Mon]

I am also 19 and ive been down that same road.. I've even developed the same pains due to the blockages ive acquired due to my psilobin usage. I get the same pressure feeling on my lower back and goes through to my right testicle and it sucks pretty hard. i screwed up my rooting system pretty bad.on my trips, I traveled to the higher realities of the other chakras and saw precious things that will always be with me, as Goddess. BUT, i began to loose my grounding in the physical world up to the point where i thought i had a terminal disease and that i was soon to leave Earth so say my goodbyes and went through many of the same horrors you went through. And i did the same thing you did for just about the same reasons, i decided to try it again.But this trip was one of the most intense battles ive ever had. Goddess sent an ol' earth god, Pan, to bring me back down to earth and anchor me. I most definitely know why the word "panic" came from Pan . I experienced desire up to the point where it hurt sooo bad. intense urges and cravings for meat(before all this i wasnt really much a meat person), sex(which was no longer something i enjoyed to do recreationally but now something i needed to do), and my sexual organ kinda gained a mind of it's own; it barks at me when its hungry lol.My body began transforming into a more masculine posture and i began to gain muscle mass without even doing any weight training and i was able to accomplish physical feats that i used to be scared of like somersaults with no fear. I became very afraid at one point, afraid of myself as i felt that if any one were to challenge me or back me into a corner, i would blackout and possibly unconsciously kill them. and as you mentioned, i also felt shame for quite some time until i posted my experience on this site and Mystress gave me blessed and much needed guidance for what i was going through for which i thank her for very much along with Goddess since she works through her and vice-versa. Though i still experience the pain due to the blockages in my 1st and 2nd chakras along with the late-night episodes of trembling fear/panic and rage and uncontrollable desire, I am becoming more open to understanding and acknowledging this beast within that we all share in a society where it is disregarded and repressed both in the inside and out.

[Imnotsleeping]

Hey buddy, im here to help you out.

Look at Negativity (bad experiences in a trip) as a trigger. Only as a trigger. A biological truth - there to trigger a positive response.
From darkness comes light. And from light comes darkness.

From pain and burning in your spine you eventually felt a rise of "light/energyorgasms". Proving to you that from violence and negativity comes harmony and positivity. Positivity however is the most powerful force in the universe - that I know of. The power of positivity will ALWAYS surprise its student. But it doesnt exist without negativity and negativity doesnt exist without positivity.

The reason (I believe) if all of what youre saying is true. To why you are having bad trips - is because you are letting yourself fixate on the trigger of negativity. Makebelieving it into becoming a reality. You are literally keeping yourself from being happy - to put it simply.

Now - when it comes to your friends - Dont let other people bother you when on psychadelics. Always only focus on your own trip and enjoy it - they are not having the same trip because they are not as spiritually aware as you are, yet. Therefor they are not having a spiritual experience in the same way as you are. They do not yet understand the importance of belief.
You can teach them to believe. But be warned though: Some people really don't like it because they are fleeing from things in their life. Now thats ok - you will never be able to force people into understanding what you feel. You can only give them clues and hints - they must themselves walk through the door.

Next time when you are in the middle of a bad trip - stop yourself in the mist or in the pit of darkness - and ask yourself. "Why am I being so damn negative? Im supposed to have fun - cmon now!" Another tool is to utilize your meditation practice - in the middle of hell and darkness. Seek silence and caaaalm within Your-self!

A bad trip is just like anxiety - to get out of it you must yourself decide that you will FIGHT - to allow yourself to be happy.

Sincerely - the kid that was awakened and had his true awakening - diss-believed it. And then one year later, was proven wrong.

ps. created this account for your sake when I saw nobody had answered your thread. Assholes

[Imnotsleeping]

Aaaan now I realise your post was posted 2010 and you have probably already found your answers :p I hope.
Maby it will help someone else then. All lööve peeps.