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[flying solo]

I'm unsure about how much of my experiences are kundalini and genuine spiritual experiences, or whether I should put it down to self delusion and/or mania.  As you read on, you'll understand my confusion even though I've always felt my life's purpose is to know/experience The Creator (going Home is how I think of it). 

Two years ago I went through a six month period which at the time, felt like a profound spiritual experience. I think I triggered it with an intense mindfulness practice much like in meditation where one stays focused on each moment as it unfolds. Within a week I was able to achieve this for about 95% of my waking day. Soon I noticed times when my body became flooded with intense cold. I became joyful and totally surrendered to the process. This led to many daily insights that felt like on-going spiritual teachings, multiple daily synchronicities, I felt filled with God and the love for God and had heart-bursting compassion for every living thing. Toward the end was 2-two week periods (around full moon times) when I felt so much love I was having up to twenty orgasms a day, just by gazing at the moon or getting lost in something beautiful like a flower. This six month episode came to an end because I allowed myself to be overwhelmed with fear about something totally unrelated to this experience and I lost my connection to the divine.  Consequently I became very depressed. I'd started seeing a therapist before all this started due to a lifetime of ups and downs with depression.  Referring to the previous wonderful period, she asked if I thought I'd been manic. At the time I told her I didn't think so, but that question has been plaguing me ever since because there was so much energy associated with it, and because it reminded me of about twenty years ago when a doctor prescribed a new antidepressant. That time, within a couple of weeks of taking the tablets I was up all night with too much energy to sleep. A few days later I was hospitalised. The doctor said I was in a drug-induced mania. Despite being taken off the meds I started having spiritual experiences such as being instantly transported back to ancient Egypt for a brief period, feeling people's energy, seeing a vision of a cross in the sky, (I had Buddhist beliefs at the time), being filled with divine love.  It was three months before I lost the divine love connection and got depressed again. It was only then that I was sent home. Still can't figure out why joy requires hospitalisation, but depression gets you out.
Anyway, the fear that I was actually manic or deluding myself both times put me off doing any kind of spiritual practice or reading for over two years.  But, since February I've been weighing up my so-called spiritual history: e.g. Seeing a vision of sacred geometry floating above my cot as a baby, a vision of the Virgin Mary on my bedroom wall when I was about eight, feeling bubbling energy at the base of my spine for the past twenty years or more years, writing a poem in 1999 (during the first 'manic episode') which in 2011 (second 'manic episode') turned out to be prophetic. At the time my profound emotional response led me to believe I was undergoing an Awakening. 
Since February, I've re-started my spiritual practice, but this time, without the mindfulness. I haven't noticed an increase in energy, but rather than being focused, my mind feels scattered.  Again I feel intense compassion and the connection to God. I have such feelings of love I've just been through 2 separate 2 week periods of spontaneous orgasms, this time to the opposite moon cycle. The bubbling energy has expanded to fill my body most days, but has never come out the top of my head which I read somewhere it can do, leading to a full Awakening.  I'm happily going with the flow of receiving spontaneous spiritual teachings and much love, but still there's a lingering doubt. I tell myself it's just the ego trying to sabotage, but I would  love an expert opinion.

[Mari]

Hello Flying Solo

To me it sounds like you have been awake pretty much all your life. Most doctors would probably declare us all insane... but who cares lol? If there's a need for therapy, it could be better to go to for example jungian, integral or transpersonal therapist. I have observed few friends who are awakened, getting much benefit from group integral/gestalt therapy work with the therapist that has gone through awakening himself. Spiritual experiences in the magnitude you have experienced, are waaaayy out of reach for most psychotherapists. So why would even expect them to understand you? They simply cannot follow you.

What matters more than doctors diagnosis of your condition, is how you experience the quality of your life. How you can handle daily life, the earthly realities most of us awakened have to deal with in the middle of this journey. Kundalini often makes us very ungrounded, ethereal, and unable to maybe pay our bills and stuff. I am quite practical woman, so my bills have been paid even in the middle of the most psychedelic insane phases. But I have been witnessing people loose their grip on earthly realitities so much they need extra help and therapy.

You were fine bathing in Divine Love, until something happened and you fell into fear. It was an important thing to happen. We have old karma, fear, to be recocnized, accepted and released. Usually the intense periods of love and light raise up the Shadow. When we face the Shadow, we are lifted into love and peace, until we hit the peak experience and it starts to be time to see more of our Shadow self again. This cycle doesn't have to be so harsh every time it happens. More we grow, get cleared and learn to surrender, it gets easier and we spend more and more time in peace.

To me it seems you are doing wonderful. Give your worries away and deal with every situation as calm as you can whenever new challenge pops in your way, accepting both light and dark as Divine. We probably all are bit "manic" when peak experience floods through us, but if you focus on being grounded and don't necessarily follow all impulses, voices, if they tell you to to spend all your money or start some grandiose huge project or become a next messiah (or insert here all possibilites people in kundalini psychosis might be drawn to do) you are doing just fine You can read through this website, there's plenty of guidance on how to handle different issues that might come up during the journey.

Blessings, Mari

[flying solo]

Mari, thank you so much for your reply. I feel more settled today and your words only added to my sense that I'm just going through a period of self-doubt and all will be well with faith and trust. I've only just discovered this website, so will definitely explore.
Much love and blessings