Deviant Stuff

[Anonymous3]

Hello Mystress,
I've known about your site for a few years now, since about 5 years into having Kundalini experiences. The first few years were really difficult, I had continuous headaches. After finding your site, I felt I had more direction and could enjoy my imagination and interest in psychic stuff more.

Just recently though my process has taken some unpleasant turns. I've probably brought it on myself, since I managed to get banged up in an institution and feel extremely physically ill now. That seems to have caused big problems with the kundalini. Mostly feelings of heavy depression when walking.

Another thing is, I've recently considered I might be bi-sexual/slightly trans mentally. And I have wanted to cut down on sex but since I feel I'm discovering something new, I find it difficult to.

I recently considered lesbianism for the first time. My motivation isn't really romance. It has more to do with wanting to discover my emotions since I've always felt cut off from emotional sentiments, like a narcissist. The main reason I considered I could have trans, and had seemed to progress emotionally, from thinking of myself as more androgyne than I'd considered.

Well, I'm not enjoying looking like a boy much, but I have enjoyed bi-sexuality. And when I feel trans-pride, I do feel extremely happy with having transitioned into looking male. The problem is that now I've considered lesbianism, I seem to have more emotions, and am suffering from the following problems which are causing a huge amount of grief:

- serious depression (sadness about the world, understanding people's glasses are sometimes part full)
- intrusive weird kundalini energies which come on randomly and are far too much information (incest, zoophilic stuff, scatological stuff, and disconcerting depraved paedophilia things).

Now, I have read your sites, and that this sometimes occurs. And I thought that kind of k-symptom is just transient and not a very deep experience probably. A passing understanding.

But, my experiences are very very vivid, very deep feeling, very depraved. And also, feel to not be anything to do with my volition. But at the same time, possibly a part of my personality.

After having a really terrible k-pschosis episode about this, lasting about 4 weeks I'm practically ready to consider I could have been born with some slight deviance problems, but I just can't come to terms with that.

Part of me is thinking "could it be that, since I didn't realise I like lesbianism the same could be for these other weird things".

And then, I think: I need to give up liking women altogether, and just go back to thinking of myself as hetero and cis-gender. The problem is, I can't really face the NPD problem, again. It feels too superficial and I know I care deeply about the fact the world has suffering in it.

What I can't understand is, when weird stuff comes into the mind (and for some reason it seems to happen just at critical moments when I'm getting excited about sex and trying to focus on sex properly).....no matter what I do to try and switch it off, the kundalini energy field which seems to be asserting itself on my mind won't seem to go away.

I think "I'm trying to focus on such and such!!"

And I feel really really desperate. I get panicky, thinking "what if my friends knew this weird problem is occuring to me".

I've also had weird empathy about violence as well. So I feel it is possible that it could just be an empathic crisis. But generally, I'm very concerned because, as I'm laying in bed, weird energy experiences start happening to me which I haven't called on. I try to turn my body, or curl into a ball to try and get rid of the weird k-sentiments. But it doesn't seem to go away.

I'd like more than anything to simply scrap trans/lesbianism since it seems to be causing a very extreme and unpleasant kundalini experience which I don't think I could cope with much longer. I know that if I went back to being hetero, even if I'm not a deep person, or very empathic, I could at least feel clean and normal and totally free from any fear of deviance.

Am I just having a breakdown about being a lesbian? Or could it be I've been born with weird stuff? I'm very very desperately frightened of the latter possibility because I believe in non-harmfulness and decency and want to develop spiritually.

Yours sincerely,
Sephie

[Duu]

Hi Sephie,

All this deviant stuff is shadow and unconsciousness seeking integration into a new wholesome whole. Its a good process.
Basically the truth of who you are, the most balanced, powerful place is here and now.
By wanting to be, intensely imagining to be, something else than what you are you create a divide from that. So one can easily see how easily what is balancing process could turn into dis-balancing process.
When things come accept all what you feel at the moment. But you don't accept labels. Accepting label is only a mind stuff and not substantially healing, as obviously labels are an illusion, mind stuff. Lesbian and trans are in many ways a labels and ideas. Who you are is not that, its much more expansive, beyond labels. There are many types of lesbians and trans and embracing that is healing for some of them but making it into who you are is my opinion not. And there is a difference, for K awakened is not even and option anymore, to build an identity like that. Identifying with labels creates mind confusion and suffering for anyone. Yet if K is active that will be magnified many times as K works in the opposite way, to remove illusions and create unity.

Similarly with visions or dreams. See all dreams as symbolic as divine telling you that is a time for unity with also the rejected parts of yourself. As a means to achieving a grater unity. But here also the symbolic value is more essential to your evolution then the actual shapes, forms, content etc.
By facing and accepting appearance of evil, dirt and deviance if it comes, we are facing that and accepting that we are that too inside in some ways. And Goddess is all, that as well, so if one desires unity than its best to let the resistance go and the labels go.
The ideas of good/bad, clean/dirty, normal/deviant are labels. Internal. After that process, recognition the symbolic structures of your unconsciousness might change. Their job is done and more peace comes.

love,
Duu

[Mystress]

  Why are you doing such violence to yourself?

  Who told you lesbians, or bisexuals have to look like boys? Where did you get that? Some do but most do not.

  Throw away your femininity because you cannot relate to men? What? That seems like a passive aggressive move to me, self punishing. No kidding you feel bad, you tossed out a big part of yourself like its garbage, for no real reason.

  Trans-pride.. what kind of ego is that and where did you get it? Sounds like sheltering in a group identity to feel better about what you have done to yourself.

  I have known I am a guy on the inside since I was a kid- I was male in most of my dreams. Never really had an issue with it, except for the week after we got the "It is wonderful to be a girl" talk in grade6. My fem body is doing to do, what, every month, for how long? yikes. Got over it. Got this extravagantly female body, and it rocks! Multitasking brain and multiple orgasms, yay. I have been with women, I like men better but with Kundalini it is more about the heart and the energy, than the plumbing.  Within myself I am androgynous, identified with spirit.

  Seems like you have lost your sense of who you are and what you really want and you are making these drastic changes to yourself because of some external ideas about who you should be, and I do not see anything spiritual about it.

   I see enormous insecurities looking for a label to hide under. Being so sheeplike is often a sign of soul loss, start doing the soul meditation every day and get back in touch with your center. 

  How about spending a month without labeling yourself? Duu said it too, and he is right. All these different groups of people unhappy with their gender and their desires, want to label you "one of us" so they do not feel so lonely.

  Kinky people obsessing about labels is nothing new, google "slave or submissive" and find millions of pages of new subs obsessing about subtle distinctions that are of no interest to anyone else, that fades once they stop feeling so uptight about it. It is well documented now that people who watch too much porn tend to seek greater intensity and end up well outside of their natural sexual preferences until they get so jaded they become impotent with a real partner. It no longer excites them. I don't know if you use porn, if you do then stop.. but either way you are treating your body as a porn object. If you are taking hormones too then of course your moods and  sexual desires are going to go all over the place.

  Why not get in touch with what you really want instead of trying to be something else? 

   You did violence to yourself, like you tried to amputate your femininity. What is happening now is a reflection of that, the shadow reflections coming up as a result of your self betrayal.  If you do not think Goddess gets it right about the gender of your birth then how can you learn to trust spirit about anything else?

  How about some self acceptance?  Can you accept yourself without knowing who you are, and do the labels really help sort that?

   Start masturbating without any fantasy, only focusing on what touches feel good. If distracting thoughts arise, do the soul meditation. Back to basics, loving your female body that gives such pleasure. Make peace with it, find out what your body really wants as a solitary practice and honour that.

   People who try to be what they are not, to be loved, end up never being loved for who they really are because nobody knows who that is. If you do not know either, how can you love yourself?  Spiritual basics. 

[Anonymous3]

Dear Mystress,
I will try and get back on the spiritual bandwagon in a more simple, basic way. The unpleasant visions did go away, and afterwards, I reflected that much of what you said, so kindly as well, probably had been correct, in the sense that I had gotten used to putting basic spiritual living on the backburner and putting creativity and unreal stuff ahead of the things which I needed. I didn't indulge in any pornography as I don't use pornography in any pictoral or written form. However I've always had quite an active imagination which has caused me grief, partly because I have always enjoyed writing and some of that is semi-pornographic. And I had been working on that recently which I think had possibly caused some a kundalini upsurge that wasn't balanced by nice daily care routine. It is probably true I'm a bit longterm unbalanced anyway. And it seems that on these occasions violence/aggression can be a problem. I am not a very aggressive person. And I have always been quite religious. I feel quite humbled now I have had one or two unpleasant visions as God (as it were) had given me lots of nice visions, including some synchronicities which had established that your site was real and that the work you do is real and that I could trust you.

Thankyou again,
Sephie