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Continuing the story...


Smoked sativas would also sometimes become overwhelming, and sometimes trigger body tremors. I discovered that holding the breath seemed to calm the tremors. Holding the breath out also felt very good, felt like I could stay on the exhale forever - any ideas why?

Sometimes, I'd be greeted with a mini-orgasm as I was falling asleep (strangely, only on my left side).

Another time, during still another trip, I felt intense heat right in the tailbone. Happy music would intensify it and increase the euphoria. The heat became quite intense, and it poked through something at the base of my spine, which later I found to be the first of three knots. The resistance was great(er) this first time, and when it did break through there was a physical sensation, like something got pierced through, and then it shot straight up my spine. On later trips, it went right through with minimal resistance in that particular spot.

Now, all this was a lot of fun! By now I'd read a ton of yoga theories, all of them warning me that K is super dangerous, not to be messed with, and definitely not without a guru! Where the heck would I find a guru in Canada?? A quick google search revealed countless gurus offering services... whom do I trust?? Plus, virtually every book I read required the impossible: to be celibate (I'm married), to eat nothing but vegan (I love meat!), and to quit all drugs - as if. Doing yoga without psychs was entirely dry, felt kind of silly and my mind could not stay fixed on the practice, instead all the mundane stuff came rushing in.

Regardless, stubborn as I am, and figuring I am onto something huge, I plodded on. The symptoms were unsettling, but so far nothing but pure pleasure.

One night, on one such trip (not a very intense one at all), while smoking a sativa I felt the usual sensation in my abdomen. I started sort of meditating on it, and this time it did something different. As I was meditating on it, I heard what sounded like my own voice in my head, saying "Ok, now don't panic" , and immediately something poppedinside my belly, and then expanded so much, that my stomach felt like I had swallowed a balloon! No pain whatsoever, nothing but bliss and a growing sense of panic. I am sure now, that my fear stopped what could've been something amazing, but what?? For about an hour or two afterwards, I paced the room feeling my tender stomach, thinking I had burst an intestine or something. My wife assured me I'd be in a great deal of pain if that were the case, but the strangeness of it did not help at all. What could this have been?

Next day, and the days after, heat. Also, smoking sativas would cause tremors.
But also most interestingly, this thing which for lack of better name I started calling "the pokey finger". It happened several times, right after the experiences above, and it felt like a very small but pleasurably burning sensation going about in my abdomen. It traced my guts, it went here and there, going around organs, as if "inventorying" my body. It literally poked my organs, and in a few spots it waited and sort of rapidly "trembled" there for a few seconds, and then "poof" something would loosen up in that spot and feel very very good. It particulary lingered where my missing appendix used to be. This thing felt purposeful, it felt downright intelligent. It felt like it knew me far better than I knew myself. It did this a few times, on different days, and then it slowly subsided too. The process was entirely pleasant, not a trace of pain - if anything, I felt like I was in top physical shape! But then the irrational fear...

At this point, I was really lost. Things were getting a little bit too strange, and I was willing to go for it but no idea if I was doing the right thing. Plus, the scary Serpent symbol. Plus, all the yoga books telling me to stop. I read and absorbed as much as I could, but in the end all systems seemed to have some things in common, and to disagree on other things. No definitive answer.

Life got in the way, and this process stopped after a few days. Together with it went my newly-found ability to compose music, to draw as well as to "see" things in ajna. I remember, at the time I was so freaked out by this stuff and by not having any guidance, that I kind of wanted it to stop.

It has been 4 years since. I have not felt the "heat" as I have not been able to take any psychedelics since.

So after this long story, I guess my question is: was this really Kundalini? Was it just some chakra opening? Can anybody relate to, or explain some of these things to me? I'd love to hear any comments at all! Thank you in advance.

Hello all, I am exhilarated to have found this forum, as if by chance this morning. I have been reading it all day, hungrily, and was surprised at how many things stated here coincide with my own experience. Especially the unexplained thing which I had been calling "the heat" all along. Encouraged by the kind replies offered here I figured I'd come out of the Kundalini closet, and reach out. The Mystress and the Lineage appear extremely knowledgeable and I'm hoping they can help. Apologies in advance for the huge post.

My first experience with this was under psychedelic drugs, around the age of 30. It happened progressively during several intense trips. During one of them, I had a rather unsettling experience where I felt female! (I'm a guy) My wife was trip sitter, and the feeling was so strong that I risked emasculation and I asked her if I am perchance gay? During another trip, I felt like I was my mother!! Really strange feeling, I still cannot explain it / rationalize it. I still had my own memories but I felt like a different person! I decided to sort of close off those feelings as I am not sure how to respond, and they felt destabilizing.

The psychedelic trips continued in smaller doses, and during one (very euphoric) trance, I felt something jolt up my spine, very quickly, once or twice. It first felt like the "caduceus", two things twisting up my spine very rapidly. The trip intensified and to my great surprise I wrote in my journal: "I am the Goddess", among many other semi-automated writings. Afterwards I looked it up, but it was much too generic and there were too many results. I had no idea what to make of that. And today, I noticed that the Goddess is mentioned everywhere throughout this forum.

Some things happened afterwards, including very lucid dreams, the ability to draw (I'd never drawn in my life!), as well as a slight precognition. The latter wowed me at first, but by now I take it for granted and just smile. The drawing lasted a few months, and then the inspiration as well as the desire to do it, both ceased. I was also quite musical, and bought and educated myself in a few different ones. Any musical snippet would flow very easily, all I had to do was listen.

But, that wasn't the end of it all. In subsequent trips, there would be this intensifying heat in the space right below my navel. A space a few inches wide, like a horizontal oval maybe. Also, searing heat in what I believe to be the second chakra, or maybe the prostate? There was also the need to breathe very deeply, for the first hour or so. My stomach spasmed and contracted, over and over and over quite fast (a few times per second). Felt very good. I tried copying this process while sober, to see if it can be duplicated. Alas, I don't have the strength to do this for a whole hour, I get distracted and feel like doing other things

These effects prompted me to do research. At the time, I had only heard in passing about Kundalini. With a heavy Christian background, all these notions about a mystical force that comes as a serpent could only be from the devil. There was a lot of fear and doubt, even though physically, the process was intensely pleasurable. Of course, the pleasure also brought the guilt - how can I be having SO much fun, and is this acceptable - which of course generated more mental hangups.

I need to specify, I was not "trying" to raise anything, I had no intention to do anything other than have some fun tripping. All of the theories about Kundalini, and yogas, and pranayamas, all that stuff happened after the fact, as a way for me to make sense of things. And then, these things started happening and with them, a host of other effects.

Firstly, the heat! After tons of research, the closest I got was the gtummo yoga, but all I could find was one tiny book that barely explained anything. I would feel this "heat" first thing in the morning usually, and it was the signal of a great day. Whenever I felt it, I knew I'd be creative & inspired, and not depressed the whole day. It was a very pleasurable, tingly sensation, like "butterflies in the stomach", and it would subside when the evening came.

Yoga did not have a very clear explanation for the heat, as it seemed to be originating somewhere between the second and third chakras. The Chinese seemed to nail it with their Lower Dan Tian, but then I could not relate at all to anything else from that system. Yoga seemed like the way to go, together with pranayama.

The symptoms continued for as long as the trips did. I read hundreds of trip reports from others, and all I could find were mostly scattered references and horrible experiences in general. My story was nothing but orgasmic bliss, how could this be wrong?

The research continued, I started various pranayamas and yogas. I felt no inclination to do any of this stuff before, I always thought yoga, tai chi and all that stuff was nonsense. But actually feeling the flow of energy can really change one's mind. When the heat was present, all it took was just a little attention and the energy centres would immediately spark to life. Without the 'heat', it's like trying to drive a car without fuel.

I had days (in-between trips) when I felt like I was pure love, ready to forgive anything. Nothing could shake me, and every negative thing had a silver lining. I managed to identify / intensify the root and second chakras very easily, and also the brow. Everything else in-between, no feeling.

This 'heat' lasted for days after each strong trip, it would come on and off, and eventually went away as I was unable to continue psychedelics. Smoking sativas seemed to trigger multiple and full body orgasms, and my prowess was incredible, like I was 20 again. The multiple O's led me to look into sperm conservation theories, and what do you know, there's a whole system for that too! Tried that for a few weeks, yet another dead end - plus my wife was getting antsy!

I got your answer when visiting the forum a few weeks after you posted it. I'm glad and thankful that you eventually answered. It's been enlightening.
I've been "working" on an answer after that, but got the feeling that I should let it sit inside myself for a while. I am still reflecting on your words, but I also felt it was rude not to respond until I have it all figured out.

"Is odd for me when people thank me for the content of my website and then the rest of their post shows how little they read of it. Makes me feel, they really just want attention and I haven't much patience for that."

I guess my only excuse for that was my heavily obscured mental state at that time, since a had read most of its content... Maybe I was seeking for attention after all, but it felt more like this was the right place to seek for effective guidance in a moment of helplessness.

"Goddess does not judge you for smoking tobacco or weed. I smoke both and She made me her Avatar. All the drama about it is entirely your own game."

This has been a profound revelation to me, something I am still working on. That game was actually inherited from my mother, mainly, and it's hard to see through it.
It seems pretty obvious to me that I am using cannabis as an escape way from these uncomfortable and sometimes painful moment of karma clearing. It is a compulsive heavy use, which denotes a strong addictive pattern. Goddess does not judge me for that, but I often get the impression that I am "smoking" my life out instead of doing things that are meaningful to me.
Well, my guess is grounding appears to be the answer.

"When will you start getting grounded? That is always the first step."

I was trying hard to do it at that time, but was completely unable to do so.
I am still in a somewhat clouded mental state these days, but now I feel it should be easier to do so. Getting grounded on a regular basis and bring back some discipline in my life is the next step I'm about to make.

I will post an update when I feel the right time has come.

Thank you

It's a blessing that i came to this video, i feel so lost for some time now. I just got qualified for my dream job on another country. it is my dream job, and it was a rare chance , it took some time for them to notice my application. like 6 mos or so, and to cut the story short i got qualified every screening went so well.
the sad part was i cant get an appropriate visa for me at the moment to push through it. and so here i am feeling lost.

  Sorry I overlooked your post.

  Is odd for me when people thank me for the content of my website and then the rest of their post shows how little they read of it. Makes me feel, they really just want attention and I haven't much patience for that. Well, you said you are lonely so ok.

  If you were grounding and working to clear your karma I am sure you would soon be feeling much better. Hatha Yoga is good.

  I think most of what is going on with you is resolved by the karma section of this website. When you start to shine, exalted as you say, people pick up on it and you become a karma shit magnet. It makes the body stiff and achey, tired and moody, depressed and often paranoid.

  Goddess does not judge you for smoking tobacco or weed. I smoke both and She made me her Avatar. All the drama about it is entirely your own game. If you are going to go around beating yourself up like that, and you are not masochistic, then no surprise you are depressed. Goddess sees you perfect just as you are.

  When will you start getting grounded? That is always the first step.

I suppose silence is the answer.
Although I was obviously in a deep state of fear and depression, some of the things I wrote feel wrong to read today, especially the self-pitying part at the end but not only.
I could go one commenting but I don't really see the point in carrying on this one-man discussion here. If I don't get any reply for some time I suppose I will delete the topic.

Kind regards to all those who came by reading.

Quote from: Mystress on March 29, 2019, 07:28:48 PM
 
 The current rate will be for a group activation, and they will be held four times a year, just before the solstices and equinoxes. I am currently looking for some streamlined way to handle payments and event scheduling for the tummo and I am going to start having chat classes again as well. Any geeks got some ideas?

 The next one will be at 5pm PDT June 20, 2019 and it will be held on my secondlife island. https://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Kundalini%20Mystic%20Isle/128/128/0/ accounts are free. A payment page will be created before then. I will update this thread when it goes live.


 

Payment button for this event is at the top of this oage.
http://kundalini-teacher.com/initiations/tummo.html

I have to say the situation has evolved a bit the last few days. I'm not in distress as much as I was during the past months, when I wrote and posted this. I seem to be be getting mentally better (less depressed), although I still feel quite unstable.
My mood is swinging from one day to another or in the same day, much like what psychiatrists describe as borderline personnality disorder. I trust Goddess that I'm heading to more stability and a clearer understanding of my purpose, even though I feel I still have a long way to go before I reach this place.

 
Yeah the Hindus like to call me Durga. Where did Samantha come from? Bewitched TV show?

 

First of all I would like to thank you Mystress, for the work you've been doing here as it has been a tremendous help to me understanding the path of Kundalini awakening. This is pretty much the story of my life so, I'll try to make it as short as I can.

My purpose for writing this is for the benefit of sharing, first of all, and hopefully to get advice, insights on my life, wise words from Mystress and/or the community. I divided my post in three parts, in order to make it easier to apprehend. Any help will be much welcomed...

Namasté

   Part 1
During pregnancy, my father vanished more or less, which was a terrible thing for my mother to deal with. I believe this is when my abandon complex started, before I was even born. I had a happy childhood all in all, although not without difficulties, considering the fact that we were far from being a happy family.  My father was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 30, as he was having his first known occurence of a manic state. I was about 5 or 6 at that time. Soon after, I would have to deal with feelings of abandon and the deprivation of affection from my mother's part. I would also become an accumulator to her anger and frustration, stemming from my parents' unhappy relationship.

I've always been a highly sensitive, empathic person I guess, but I had to build this protection wall around me as a child and later on to feel secure. Depression stroke me in 2011, when me and my first big love affair broke up, after a five years relationship. I was 21. I've been addicted to cannabis since I was 17 and became a heavy user over the years, so the plant would become the center of my life up to now. In 2015, I had become a "casual" LSD and mushrooms user. I've been strongly depressed and heavily medicated most of the time, from 2011 up to this point. Then, I decided to drop straight on medication (again) and that I would heal myself with the aid of psylocibe mushrooms. I was fed up with the long lasting effects of depression, medication and drug abuse, and decided to step out of the victim's role I had been playing for the past few years.

   Part 2
On the 8th of december 2015, I had what one would call a spiritual experience. After months of tripping on shrooms I had grown myself, having nothing but magical empowering experiences, I had decided to perform a kind of ritual, to heal myself for good. The so-called ritual went as followed: I drank the green tea mixed with honey and 3.5g of my strong mushies macerated in lemon juice, a copy of the Bhagavad Gita in front of me, and a solfeggio frequency video on youtube as background music, which was supposed to activate the root chakra. My underlying -almost unconscious- mindset, was that I wanted to surrender my life to the will of God.

The onset was very quick, I went straight into bed and closed my eyes. As every muscle of my body began to shake violently and uncontrolably, I started to experience visions. I would see myself floating in a dark space, my [astral?] body being traversed by an invisible, cosmic wind. As I was wondering what the hell was happening to me, I instantly got an answer in thought: "you are being cleansed". Around me was this seemingly infinite ocean of boiling darkness, from which vaguely familiar looking, colored shapes and forms (mostly geometric) were simultaneously emerging and sinking into. I feel it was the most surrealistic vision one could ever thing of.

The "cleansing" went on for a while. I was in a relaxed state, enjoying the vision, feeling exctatic and immensly greatful for what was happening to me. Then, suddenly... BOOSH! Everything vanished. No time, no space, no "me". The absolute Void. It felt like I had been smashed under the mighty thumb of God and got completely disintegrated. A "moment" later, I got this message in thought, so powerful that I could almost read it in my mind, written in capital neon letters : "YOU WILL BE A HEALER". And it was over. I kept my eyes closed for a while, as my consciousness was coming back to my body, still shaky, still experiencing fading visions. As I opened them, I was submerged by this thought: "I'm being reborn". It felt like a true renaissance.

After years of being plunged into the fog and despair of depression, I was suddenly pulled into a state of complete, utter clarity and bliss. At this point, I became exalted. It was Christmas time and my mother, seeing how exalted I was, went hysterical at my face, as she was witnessing something unpleasantly familiar arising in me. This is what brought me back down to earth, after about a month of being in this exalted, yet not delirious, state.

   Part 3
I believe this experience had triggered the awakening of Kundalini. I began to make radical changes in my life: I had quit tobacco, started doing Hatha Yoga and meditation on a regular basis, consumming a lot less alcohol and drugs, stopped eating meat, moved away from Paris, from my family and circle of friends I was unhappy with.

I've had a bad health most of my life. I have a debilitating condition for more than a year now, doctors don't know how to call it yet. My feet seem to be the most affected region: I need a croutch if I have to walk outside of my appartment. But I can feel all of my body is stiffened. I have not been able to carry on my job as a postman and I'm unemployed since. Doctors thought it was sarcoidosis, which I have been diagnosed with as they were trying to figure out what was happening to me. But it went away after less than a year and the physical symptoms are still here, like nothing have changed.

My depression stems from a deep feeling of loneliness and abandon, which is mutilating the inside of my body and soul. It has corrupted everything in my life. After a three years break, depression resurfaced last year. I have also been batteling cannabis addiction for years. After more than 40 days of abstinence, I lost it and spent a week smoking weed. I couldn't cope with all the negativity in my mind and loneliness in my life. I needed a break from this, but it's only making things worse obviously.

I am turning 30 in just a few months. Joyless, jobless, broke, crippled, without perspective on the future, more unsecure, isolated and lonelier than I ever was. I crave for connections, meeting people, having a fulfilled social and sexual life, but I don't even know where to start. Paralyzed by the loneliness, the fear of rejection, abandon and feelings of worthlessness. I haven't found a way yet to go beyond all the fear, the sadness and loneliness that are filling my everyday life.