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[jimmyb]

Dear Mistress,

I understand that depression can be a process of old negative energy being cleansed from the body. My doctor has prescribed anti-depressant which I am a little reluctant to take them as I have read that they can damage the body and the brain, I'm not sure how true this is. I have had many mixed opinions about these medicines. Friends who have used them say that they have had positive results within weeks with no side effects/withdrawal symptoms. Friends who have not taken them say that they are real bad and never to take them. I really am so confused about the whole thing, how can I know for sure whether I am undergoing spiritual process or if I need medicine to help me. I did think about getting a dowsing crystal so I can ask my sub-conscious.

My mind is telling me to be patient and to believe in myself. It is telling me that holding on is the right thing to do and that I do not need pills to make me who I am but it seems like such an easy option, if you've ever saw The Matrix then you'll probably know what choice I have before me.

What is your advise on such a dilema?

Thanks,
James

[Mystress]

James:

  It would be illegal for me to tell you to stop taking your medication, and I wouldn't try to make that decision for you, anyway.  I've never been on anti-depressents so I have no experience to share.

  I am not against medicating the rough spots of K.  Sometimes it is a form of resistance, but if it keeps you alive and functioning, then it is how Goddess provides. Goddess won't give you more than you can handle, and if medication helps you to handle then that is right too.

 Sometimes it is good to have that breathing space, and a way to step back and change your perspective when you are in a very stuck place. Helps you to shift gears, get out of the rut so you are in a better place to help yourself. The toughing it out marlboro man thing, heh... what are you resisting there?

 Fact is, there is a lot of misinformation about the awakening process, and people mostly run into trouble because they are resisting something, resisting letting go of an attachment, or releasing an emotional issue. Sometimes the resistance takes the form of doing too many practices, stoking the intensity until something has to give... sometimes it is their thyroid, adrenal gland, ... sometimes a symptom is Goddess getting your attention to change your direction and avoid a worse pothole in the future.

 Rather than a dowsing crystal, consider seeking the services of a good hypnotist to learn to connect with your unconscious mind more directly.  Learn discernment.

 I look at depression as anger turned inward, so... what are you angry about? Anger is not a socially acceptable emotion, so people tend to smile and stuff their anger, especially if it is a situation they feel helpless to change... and the anger becomes depression. Emoptional issues are often layered:  Under the depression is anger, and under the anger is hurt... old pain. Under the old pain is a place where some part of you feels unloved, unloveable.

 Find a hypnotist to help you peel through the layers to touch that hurt place, with a healing hand of love and forgiveness.

 K clears stuff, mostly two ways. Some karma junk is like lint, you brush it off and you don't need to know what it is or where it came from. Some of it is cat hair or something you might recognise, nothing you want to hang onto. Some stuff just blows off, as heat flushes, feeling energy moving, etc. Relatively anonymously, just taking out the garbage without emptying the bag to reconsider its contents.  

 Then there is the other stuff, which needs to become conscious so you can know yourself better, your inherent patterns and tendencies, sometimes so you can make a conscious decision to change, or to at least acknowledge and accept yourself.

 Karma is all about the decisions we made, about how to interpret events, our choice of emotional response and whether emotions flow or stick.  The karmic stuff is often stuck in time, the emotional reaction frozen in amber.  When the emotional issue becomes conscious then you have the opportunity to apply hindsight- examine results, and re-interpret events in a new light, from a different perspective... which in turn changes the emotional reactions.

  The interesting thing about this stuff, is the hidden pearls and silver linings.. self knowledge is priceless, and a life event that affected you so deeply is probably connected to your passion and sense of purpose in life, or calling. Anger is not the opposite of love, it is a passionate emotion. You cannot really get angry unless you care about something... but at the same time, decisions born of anger are often foolish.

  When you stuffed your anger you stuffed your passion too. Get digging. Like the joke goes; pile of manure that big, there has got to be a pony in there somewhere...  

  Blessings...


 

 

[jimmyb]

Yea I suppose they would help a great deal to get me out of this huge hole I've managed to get myself in. I was just worried about the side effect and withdrawal symptoms if any occured but I'm sure if I asked godess then she would protect me from this. I thought that if I held out then Godess would take care of things in time the natural way. I see your point though, if I am struggling then the fact that the doc gave then to me is ment to be I guess.

The fact that I am depressed goes back 4 years, I met a girl and saw her for 3 weeks then we broke up cause she wanted to play the field, she was the first girl I'd met and I had a lot of love in my heart which I careless gave to her. for 6 months after I was really confused depressed and I felt like my inner love had gone, I always questioned what I'd done wrong, I guess I'd fallen in love. After this period I forgot about it but then she started following me around on Friday night, I'd just ignore her. We got back together and the first few day I cryed a few times cause it didn't feel right like it did before. I felt happy with her but when I was at work I'd feel real distant and depressed, I was pushing my feelings away, 6 months passed and my emotions disappered because I'd blocked them. I no longer really loved myself or her (at this point I feel that the heart chakra could have started to become blocked). I was trying to hard to make it work, through this I have learned about acceptance and when to move on.

So if you look at it like this - I am angry at myself because I have betrayed my feelings and emotions, under the anger is hurt and rejection - I fell in love but she wasn't interested - now shes back stalking me and wants to start again, well it was too late and I made the mistake of being too soft and going back there after shes done her rounds (even with one of my mates). At the same time I hooked up with my ex for the second time I had started a new job it was great, I really enjoyed it the atmosphere and the manager was a real funny guy so working there was a blast however the supervisor was a very power-trip orientated character and just used to give me hell all the while. This changed in the second year as my work was moved to a different part of the building and I was left to my own devices with no manager and no supervisor. Later that year I went to Germany where I was awarded for my excellence and received an award recognised wolrdwide within the company (This is what I can do when I am left to my own). In the third year there there was another department change and the supervisor was in control of us again. He was a bully, I think he was jealous of me, the work load got way out of hand, he was indirectly sarcastic to me, moved me next to him so he could keep an eye on my work etc. I stuck with it for 11 months and got majorly depressed (I told myself that if I faced my fears that I would get over it) how wrong was I. I also split up with my girlfriend that year after nearly 3 years. So really I've just put myself through way too much and I'm now suffering from a complete run down and burnout.

I realise what I have done. I have betrayed my feelings and emotions and ended up like this. But have learned a lot from it and that its to listen and trust in yourself. At themoment I don't seem to be able to express any emotion, angry, love, passion etc. I hope to get through it soon though.

Thanks for your help,
James

[jimmyb]

Mystress,

How do I let go of the past, how do I releive myself of all this negative emotion. Yestarday and today I feel very destructive, I feel angry - is this good or bad?

- James

[Mystress]

Not good or bad, just Is.

 The emotional karma stuff comes up, to be released. Judging and analysing the emotional content, resisting your feelings just keeps it stuck. You are not your feelings, or your thoughts. What really you are is infinite nameless spirit.  What do you think the depersonalization is about? Goddess teaching you to detach from your emotions, anaestetizing you so you cannot get in Her way with all this self absorbed analysis.

 When I feel destructive I do housework. I destroy dirt and germs and banish clutter. I weed the garden, hose down the driveway. Clean out my closets, rip old clothes apart to be cleaning rags. One time I completely destroyed a big old bahaus couch, with a sledehammer, an axe and kicking.  When I was done the remaining pieces fit into garbage bags, saving me a trip to the dump. Wonderfully cathartic. Being destructive can be fun, positive, you just have to pick the right target.

Don't repress emotions, re-direct them. Take your anger out on that dirty bathtub ring. Beat your rugs. Get busy and quit moping around feeling sorry for yourself- that just makes things worse.

[jimmyb]

Not good or bad, just Is.

 The emotional karma stuff comes up, to be released. Judging and analysing the emotional content, resisting your feelings just keeps it stuck. You are not your feelings, or your thoughts. What really you are is infinite nameless spirit.  What do you think the depersonalization is about? Goddess teaching you to detach from your emotions, anaestetizing you so you cannot get in Her way with all this self absorbed analysis.

 When I feel destructive I do housework. I destroy dirt and germs and banish clutter. I weed the garden, hose down the driveway. Clean out my closets, rip old clothes apart to be cleaning rags. One time I completely destroyed a big old bahaus couch, with a sledehammer, an axe and kicking.  When I was done the remaining pieces fit into garbage bags, saving me a trip to the dump. Wonderfully cathartic. Being destructive can be fun, positive, you just have to pick the right target.

Don't repress emotions, re-direct them. Take your anger out on that dirty bathtub ring. Beat your rugs. Get busy and quit moping around feeling sorry for yourself- that just makes things worse.

So am I on the right path or do I need to come to terms with my underlying emotions in order to move out of her way? How do I do this? I thinking of seeing a hypnotherapist so I can sort this out properly by getting to the bottom of the problem. I can't seem to be able to get to whats bothering me and release these emotions.

[jimmyb]

There are things in the past that make me so angry about the things I have/haven't done. Repressing my feelings and anxiety caused me problems in that I have not been able to express the way I feel to people who have negatively affected my life, fear and anxiety of letting other people down has caused me to betray my own needs. I'm not sure how to release this.

[angelprayer]

I think it would benefit you if you truely saw the things done wrong to you as means of improving your life...I've been thinking that way and believe it helps. There are some things which are harder to deal with, but on the whole if you regard things as useful, there is no real waste to worry about.
AA

[jimmyb]

I clearly see that everything in life happens for a reason, sometime it is hard to come to terms emotionally but on a logical basis I have learned a lot about my self - I cannot change who I am for the like of others and if it does not fit with me then I should move my energy somewhere else rather than adapt to a situation that I am not comfortable in. I am not a fighter - I usually am unable to express myself in a situation to benefit myself so the best way is to evasive and avoid/leave situation to stop my emotions and feeling from becoming trapped.

[jimmyb]

I just need to find a way of releasing the hurt that currently exists somewhere burried in my soul...

[angelprayer]

The opposite of me then...I'm not a very nice person to have an argument with...mainly because I treat any argument as a debate and destroy the other person until my point has gone across. That's only really happened in situations where the person has been destroying me in one way or another. But when it does I show myself how little respect I have in some ways and it is not good. Typically those arguments don't even result in the release of my anger...because I treat them as a debate.

It's very rare for me to actully express my anger intentionally. More often than not, I'll be trying to say it in an inpersonal, factual way....and it will get out of control to the point that I can't breath. Again, has only happened once recently, when I was living with someone who was perpetually angry. Aggression was the status quo. Not directed at me, but nevertheless effecting me. Come to think of it...if I'd ever had the chance to express myself like he did...

He would regularly shout and verbalise, sometimes speaking in tongues, in the middle of the night. This, and other things effected my peace in a big way, and yet I knew that if ever I flew off the handle I would be past the point of no return....so I never did. I don't like to lose complete control over myself.

In the end I lost control, but more internally. I was actually worried that we would have a fight, so we used to argue through my bedroom door as a means of protecting ourselves from the anger.

It's easy to blame others, and I don't do it as preference, but this guys anger and aggress were foremost....and in one way or another, killed me off. My personality changed in a matter of weeks and I stopped feeling like I had the right to say anything. Instead I felt like the "wounded child"....all the time. He is a bastard.

[jimmyb]

I too feel like a wounded child at the mo and its bring back remenissions of my childhood trauma at school

[Mystress]

I just need to find a way of releasing the hurt that currently exists somewhere burried in my soul...

 I already explained how to do that... flow with the emotions, give them a positive outlet, and insights will come.

[jimmyb]

Wow, you are so right

[angelprayer]

I too feel like a wounded child at the mo and its bring back remenissions of my childhood trauma at school

It's weird but yeah, actually being able to come on here and speak with you M has made me feel more open to my traumatic experiences. Has opened the inner wound a little bit. But not as unmanageably as before when I was in therapy. It's just because I can see you are a person, who interacts, and that your webpages aren't just text.