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[Wanda]

I had a weird dream.

In the dream, I was riding a bus, reading Nietzsche's "Zarahustra". I arrived to a strange town, it was all dark and gloomy and had an air of imminent doom. I knew I was gonna meet someone there... Then, two fellas appeared, and I assumed it was them. One of them was tall and skinny, the other short and chubby - they acted as a sort of comic relief, so let's call them the Two Stooges. Apparently we were supposed to execute some elaborate scheme together, but I didn't share their enthusiasm about it, so I wandered off to sulk and ended up standing next to a wired fence. I expressed my longing - to be outta this place and released from my engagement in the scheme - to the night, and lo! a hand appeared - a black leather-gloved hand, no less. I took it, and was pulled over the fence to the other side. The hand belonged to a man who looked like one dark and sexy serial killer. I went along with him willingly, he laid me down on the grass and promptly started sawing my head off. It didn't hurt, I was watching the whole scene from aside. But at this point, the Two Stooges arrived, and started stabbing the man from behind! Blood gushed from the wounds in his shoulders, I felt so sorry for his pain, and so very annoyed at this interruption of our intimate business of killing me... And then I woke up.

Now, I'm assuming that this was the "mercy killing of the Ego in the hands of the dark aspect of the Divine Beloved"... But who the **** were the Two Stooges? Some other aspects of my consciousness? What right, and what agenda would they have to interrupt the goings on, if my Ego's cool with it? I seem to recall that the Mystress has mentioned having her head chopped off twice... So would you have any insights as to the additional characters involved there? And what to do about them?

I hope my DB is OK...

[Gustaf]

Be grounded, take a deep breath, and try to feel the dream rather than analyzing it too much.

Your DB is the unconscious taking a form that you can love so you can merge with it and experience unity. Getting killed in dreams often means some sort of ego death or dissolution. My initial awakening was preceded by a dream where I was getting shot in the head over and over again.

Every form that plays a part in your dreams is an aspect of your own mind, places, people, events. Try to not get too much in your head about it (It was being sawed off after all)

Your unconscious loves you unconditionally. Essentially it is not separate from you in any way. But that's how the ego sees it. Breathe, and allow the insights to come to you.

Namaste
Gustaf

[Wanda]

Thank you, Gustaf, for reminding me of the basics.

Your DB is the unconscious taking a form that you can love so you can merge with it and experience unity.

Well, my DB has also taken the form of a hideous monster warrior seeking to destroy me... And only lately have I recognized this monster to be an aspect of my DB, his "dark side".

My initial awakening was preceded by a dream where I was getting shot in the head over and over again.

Did you enjoy it? Did you surrender to it? Did you ask for it?

Because, I did... But I couldn't go all the way.

How does one deal with their Beloved being a killer?
How do you deal with loving a killer?
How do I love the killer in me?

How do I let the killer merge into me - or rather, let myself dissolve into the killer - and yet keep from becoming him, from letting him enact through me?

I spent years of my life killing off the killer, in order to avoid becoming the killer... And suffering terribly from the discrepancy of this... And I thought it was over. I thought I had solved this. I though the killer was gone. But no, the killer just took a break and emerged now on a whole new level...

And I am - and I will be - getting the dream again and again until I can get it right, this time around... Help appreciated...

[Gustaf]

Your DB also takes the form of your shadow, of darker things inside you that you haven't surrendered, forgiven or accepted. To be infinite means to accept all aspects of you.

Can you accept that within you which is dark, angry and vengeful? To become aware of it is a blessing, because in an unawakened state, these unwanted things are projected onto others instead. The killer is part of you. You can't get rid of it by pushing it away. It does not mean that you succumb to dark impulses and act out on them, it means you face it squarely, and surrender to it. You accept it absolutely as a part of you. When you do, it won't pester you so much.

In the dream where I was shot in the head repeatedly I accepted it totally. What happened was that I died, then appeared in the same place to get shot again, then I started dying voluntarily, over and over again, and the scenery  kept shifting. It's almost as if I learned a skill to die consciously.

Ponder this, if you try to kill the killer, what have you become when you kill?

If you can't feel love for it, try accepting simply that it is there. Accept it in a non-reactive way. Don't expect it to be gone, don't expect it to do anything. When you try to suppress or push away something away inside you, it will always submerge again at some other point. The killer is already part of you, and only surrender will give you peace with it.

The Shadow will always reflect to you that which you dread the most. Your Shadow is much more likely to act through you when you have -not- surrendered, because then it keeps in hiding.

Let me share with you some other dreams/visions I had. I had one experience where I faced a horrible monster. It had a thousand eyes and tentacles and was huge, and it came up right in my face. I don't know how it happened, but I became deeply present and grounded, and simply remained standing where I was, looking at it with absolutely no reactivity. Two seconds later it turned into dust. Gone.

In another dream, I faced what looked very much like Agent Smith in The Matrix. He walked up to me in a dangerous manner of absolute authority and started asking me questions. I simply stood there and said. "I will answer anything you want if you ask politely" He did the same thing again, with more threat. I remained still, with no reactivity, simply present, and repeated again "Treat me with manners, and I will answer, otherwise, please leave" He turned, left, and never came back.

The forms of the two dreams are different, but the inner sense of empowerment and total acceptance was the same. I've had other dreams like it too.

I discovered a powerful method of dealing with dreams. It works best right upon waking, but can be done later too. As soon as I wake up, I visualize the dream I just had, but I imagine responding to it differently. You have to trust your own intuition as how your new response should be, since there is no clear cut answer to that, except your own realization. The new response usually takes the form of some sort of surrender, acceptance or love.

Namaste
Gustaf

[Wanda]

that within you which is dark, angry and vengeful

He's not angry, nor vengeful...

He wants to slit my throat in one swift move, holding me in his arms ever so gently. He longs to rip my flesh to shreads, passionately, hands trembling with excitement. He yearns to break my bones, one by one, with great care, not missing a single one. He thirsts to drink my blood and suck my bone marrow, every last drop of it, with reverence and adoration and gratitude...

accept it absolutely as a part of you

But when he's done, I will be consumed by him, I will be in him, I will be he - and there will be no "me" to accept - or not to accept - anything!

accept it in a non-reactive way

"#¤% !!!!! Zen is so not my path...  Overreacting is what I excel in. Gimme something I can throw myself into, or throw myself at.

I'm just having difficulty with consciously and deliberately offering myself for him to feed on... I can do it, but only up to a point. What he wants, the only thing that would satisfy him, is all of me, all the way, 'til there's nothing left.

I don't know what's holding me back. I did ask for guidance, after the first dream, and the words "ego split" kept floating to my mind. I don't even know what that means... Some particle split away from the ego that needs to be reunited with it, enabling me to give the totality of myself, the whole me?

Any ideas how to go about it?

I discovered a powerful method of dealing with dreams.

Sounds interesting, I'll try it out.

My own favorite approach is to push everything to its farthest limits, while still in the dream... Until it all sorta "flips" and the whole thing "shifts" to another level. Yay!  If only I could bring myself to do this here as well... Frustrating when I can't do what I'm good at. 

[Mystress]

  This intrigued me:

Wanda wrote:
I don't know what's holding me back. I did ask for guidance, after the first dream, and the words "ego split" kept floating to my mind. I don't even know what that means... Some particle split away from the ego that needs to be reunited with it, enabling me to give the totality of myself, the whole me?

  Ego split. Yup that would do it. When there is one stubborn part of you that just won't jump the fence!

   There is a second identity, usually a child self or emotional aspect that has its heels dug in and they have free will too!  They are often quite deeply buried in the psyche. They don't want to come out because you are the one who put them there and they know you want to kill them off with your ambition for enlightenment.  Often they have some sort of dragon or monster at the gate and you have to make friends with it to get inside the ivory tower dungeon you stuck the splinter in.  The ego splinter has its own shadow self and he is all you get until you learn to love and accept him. Then there can be integration and wholeness. 

  Love works.

  Life eats life. we are all killers, we can only eat what was once (or still is- yogurt) alive.

  I suspect, as a child you killed something... most children do... and enjoyed the thrill of the hunter for a moment before becoming horrified at yourself and stuffing it to become a card carrying peta member. 
 
   BTW wanda, you are not one of my FST Lineage or even an FST  student yet you seem to be taking an active role in trying to answer questions posed to the forum... and sometimes rather off the mark.   This forum exists for my FST Lineage to assist in handling the email this site generates by redirecting it to this guestbook.  OK to post about your own stuff but dont play guru teacher here, OK?   Thanks. 

[Wanda]

dont play guru teacher here, OK?

You're right.
I'm sorry. 

Love works.

Yes...

The song "Strange Face of Love".
Can't get it out of my head.

But there will be silence, in the end.

[Mystress]

dont play guru teacher here, OK?

You're right.
I'm sorry. 

Love works.

Yes...

The song "Strange Face of Love".
Can't get it out of my head.

But there will be silence, in the end.

  Thanks for understanding.
  I don't know that song, looked up the lyrics... mmm
  For me it was "Don't fear the reaper" stuck in my head for a solid month, and playing everywhere I went.  Death's lullaby to calm me.  Having a song stuck in your head indicates being in a trance state.  I like it when my DB serenades me, sometimes silly sometimes powerful.  I was playing a silly game with shooting birds on a line today and "bird on a wire" was playing in my head. Made me smile. 

 

[Wanda]

For an update: still alive and kicking, literally so.   

Last time I had the dream of my Dark Beloved coming at me, I materialized a knife into my hand and stabbed him in the gut, a couple of times, then locked him in a room and ran away. After this, those ego-death dreams have taken a break, and the real-life suicidal impulses have subsided as well (big sigh of relief).

The soundtrack of my life has changed from the hardcore-murderous "Strange Face of Love" to seductive-soothing "Come to Me" by Bjork. Proper serenading, at last! I do feel bad about having treated my Beloved this way... But the song says, "You don't have to explain, I understand", so I guess we're OK.

I don't know how did I revert from "a willing lamb to slaughter" to "buffy the vampire slayer"... It was a small room, he cornered me, I'm slightly claustrophobic and I panicked. At least, it was the conscious me resisting him now, and not some unknown auxiliary characters interfering to protect me. Conscious is good, right? This means I can change the scenario...

There is a second identity, usually a child self or emotional aspect

I asked for guidance and remembered something that happened to me when I was 12. I was attacked by a stranger and nearly raped. Nearly, because I somehow managed to fight him off. It was a traumatic event, as far as my attitude towards sex and men in general went. But at the same time, it was empowering, finding that inner strength and resolve to fight back, and succeeding in it. I suppose the girl I was drew two conclusions from this encounter: first, "men are monsters", and second, "I can kill them".

Also, it was the moment I realized that "this body is mine". Before, I had been sorta drifting, but from then on, I was fully present.

I had forgotten all about this particular occasion, there was more sexual violence in the following years, and I've dealt with it all later on "en gros". I did break the pattern, in real life as well as in dream life. So why did this memory, and the accompanying behavior, resurface now? Did I leave a part of me behind there?

I met my 12-year old self in a dream, we talked - I can't remember the contents, it felt like a lighthearted chat -, some dark male character floated by us, but my younger self poked fun at him and he seemed completely non-threatening. That was that. I don't know whether this worked for reintegration...

There have been memory fragments from my teenage years coming and going in my mind, could it be the previously unreleased stuff on its way out? Also, I caught a glimpse of my "Light Beloved", who was wearing dark sunglasses and smoking a cigarette (sure signs of badness ), are the two of them merging? I dunno. What's this reintegration supposed to feel like? Should I do something to help it along, or just let unravel on its own?

Everything looks normal on the surface, but deep down, I still have this general feeling of dread and being pursued, "a killer right at my trail"... Obviously, it's not over. 

[Wanda]

The killer is part of you. You can't get rid of it by pushing it away. It does not mean that you succumb to dark impulses and act out on them, it means you face it squarely, and surrender to it. You accept it absolutely as a part of you. When you do, it won't pester you so much.

In a dream, I found myself standing face to face with the monster warrior, yet again. This time, I didn't run, and I didn't fight. I crossed myself, then touched my forehead and lightly hit the center of my chest. Asking to see with the eyes of my heart... His appearance remained the same. He smiled at me though, as one would to a child, who has done something extremely stupid, and yet endearing. I took a step closer and hugged him. His chest felt hard and cold as a brick wall... I withdrew to look at him again. His appearance remained the same. But now he had a box of matches in his hand, he lit one and threw it at my face. I turned and started moving away, he followed, all the while lighting matches and throwing them at me, aiming for my hair. Every now and then, the hair at the back of my head caught fire, with the pain and all, and I patted it down to put the fire out...

He chased me through a low wooden hall with long tables arranged in it, rows of faceless men seated at the tables, hundreds of them. I begged them for help, but whenever one of them helped by moving his chair forward and letting me pass behind him, the monster also threw a match at him and he burned, writhing in pain, turning into a heap of dust. Eventually, I reached the exit of the hall, with two doors leading from it. I heard a low murmur, that seemed to be coming from the faceless men. It advised me to take the door to the left, they said it would be best for them if I did so. I somehow saw through the door, it led to a misty, lush garden. I hesitated - can I trust the advice coming from those men? - shouldn't I stay, overcome my fear and let the monster burn me to death? There, the dream ended.

Apparently embracing the Dark Beloved doesn't change his appearance, nor attitude. Plus, the pain he inflicts is real enough... And how would one discern the value of advice in a dream, if the source is unclear? Any comments on that?

I'm happy to still have my Light Beloved with me... Merging with him, wonderful... Ahhhhhh...  Maybe I'm stuck with having them both and should just get used to it?

As for my split-off child self, the last I saw her, she yelled at me, "Killer! Murderer!" And hasn't appeared since. Oh well...