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[1nsight]

Hi Mystress and all,

I somehow managed to lose the ability to experience emotions in my body... This happened almost 10 years ago, and it wasn't until this past week that I learned what kundalini is, so please bare with the rough details.

I used to be extremely shy and extremely emotional, experiencing both positive and negative emotions intensely. Around 10 years ago I actively started searching to ways to overcome my shyness and anxiety, and I found NLP and Tolle's Power of Now. I don't remember the exact moment, but the quote at the top here: http://kundalini-teacher.com/chakras/witness.html accurately describes what I experienced. It was like this awareness of my thoughts that caused some mental separation within me. After this moment, I gained some sort of unreal level of empathy - it's like I could put myself into the body of someone else and know what they were feeling, and thus gained some insight into their thoughts. Not only that, but I experienced emotions at an even more heightened level and, from what I remember, basically walked around in a state of bliss. I also had some strange kind of wisdom, where I would look at something or hear something and connect with it in a way that let me know it. Even engaging with people was a vastly different experience, it's like I could feel a sort of vibe or energy coming off from someone and could tap into it or draw the person into what I was experiencing. I also felt like there was this feeling or light coming from my heart, kind of in tune with my heartbeat, that was my inner guide. From what I've read online these things are part of the kundalini awakening process.

I was like that for a couple of months, until one day at work I was having lunch with a few coworkers and one of them started teasing me incessantly. Lots of angst in that teasing, and for whatever reason after I got back to my desk I started contemplating the feelings I was having when she was doing it. I got so deep into the feeling, and amplified it so much in my body, that I had the sensation of all the feelings within my body draw into a ball in my chest and disappear. Analogous to one of those old black and white TVs turning off. Since then, I have not been able to experience any sensation internally. Equally as bad, my libido is gone, or maybe greatly diminished as I can still have sex but it's not nearly the same as that desire within is not there for me. Now I just sort of "know" when I'm happy, sad, etc. rather than feeling the emotion inside of me.

I've done the grounding technique mentioned in the article above, and felt serious tingling/energy/vibrating in my feet that I could then extend throughout my body. I tried doing the exercise in the watcher article in reverse but my feelings have not returned. Am I able to regain my feelings or has it been too long?

For anyone wondering why I took this long to seek answers, I actually have attempted numerous times throughout the years but was always discouraged. Even reread Tolle's and other books many times, but not having that "guide", the heartbeat/chest feeling, meant I couldn't connect to anything. What's worse is that after the experience of losing all my feelings, out of desperation I tried to revert to my former self and imagined everything in my mind swirling around and becoming a jumbled mess. I can no longer do any of the things I mentioned in the beginning, nor can I access that sagely wisdom.

Any insight is much appreciated!

[Mystress]

  A shrink would probably call it "clinical detachment" but I call it soul loss. The soul cannot really get lost, its quantum but if it is not parked inside you, life becomes colourless. It is a kundalini effect, and people getting stuck like you, for years is not uncommon. The soul often leaves the body in response to trauma or near death, it is a merciful anaesthesia but if it continues then the body starts to become frail.

 Some create the state deliberately (or accidentally) by meditating on the crown chakra and call it enlightenment. For the celibate ascetic types, loss of libido is a win. I think its escapism.

Witness is an out of body state, that part you relate to... but Witness also comes with knowledge and insights you are not getting so, out of body but not in witness state. There are a lot of places a soul can get to. The heart chakra has the entire universe inside it but you do not experience the universe inside and the one outside as being the same until you attain the Grail and the chakra fully opens. In the meantime, you can think of it like your soul has wandered off to an alternate dimension.

 That doesn't matter, because souls cannot get lost, you just need to know how to call it back.
 The fix is pretty simple but you have to be patient and persistent.

  Sit quiet, and observe your breathing as it occurs naturally. Do not try to control the breath at all, just observe all the motions and sensations like it is the most interesting thing ever. When distractions arise, gently set them aside and return to observing the breath. Berating yourself for the distraction is just more distraction.  

 As you continue to observe, there are several stages of change that happen. Do not hold expectations or try to force the changes:  I only explain them so you do not worry and resist.

 The first sensation is a feeling of joy that starts to bloom under the rib cage. This is the energy of your soul, back home. Acknowledge it, with love and welcome, gratitude for its return then immediately go back to observing the breath. The sensation of joy increases, the soul energy filling the body so long as you are observing the breath.  The soul looks like a tiny very bright spark, like a star in the sky. It does not get bigger but brighter.
 The FST Lineage fellas nicknamed the practice of grounding then observing the breath until soul joy fills the body, "Ground & spark." Do that, 8x a day and longer when you can.

  Observing the breath is the fastest most reliable way to come back into the body, it is also one of the most ancient and powerful of all meditations.

 As you continue, there comes a sensation that Goddess is breathing you, that She controls the breathing... it is quite ecstatic. She will then start to modify the breathing with some spontaneous pranayama - the breath may shift from hyperventilating to not breathing and everything in between. Just allow it, do not try to take control, just continue observing. You may start to become aware of how the energy body is responding to the breathing, how She is giving it a thorough tune up and cleansing. Kundalini fixing you up, helping you recover from your time OBE.

 You would also benefit from starting to practice Hatha Yoga (not any sort of yoga but Hatha) If there are no classes near you, you can start with some videos on youtube or DVDs, get a large mirror to check your posture. You might also advertise for a private tutor, there may be someone, an experienced practitioner near you who is willing to give you some support.

What all the practices have in common: nothing is forced. It is being forceful with emotional energy that got you stuck eh? The imperative of kundalini, is surrender. It is the energy of cosmic wisdom, it knows what it is doing better than you and so we have to learn to stay out of the way and let it do its thing.

 You wont come back to exactly the same place you left, kundalini stages evolve so you will come to a new place with new phenomena and experiences to grow from... and a whole new appreciation for being alive, eh?

 Let us know how it goes.

* Edited to add: You have not lost your feelings, feelings are of the body and it is still having them. You are out of touch with your feelings because you are not in your body. Soul self is your essential spark of consciousness, where it goes, you are. Getting it/you back into your body is getting back in touch with your body's feelings.  
  Your original goal, to not get so carried away by emotions is attained through the process of surrendering them. Look in the karma section of the site to get instructions and/or become an FST member. http://fire-serpent.com