Search

[Christina]

Dear forum,

This is me today and for several years now.

I see purplish blue patches of light in the air with my waking eye

I see 'blue blobs/orbs' passing through my field of vision

I have no control over my emotions; I have crying fits for no reason,
feelings of intense sadness

I have a relentless urge to eat, eat, eat no matter what
I am very overweight

The kids ask me Mummy why are you fat?  I don't want you to be fat

I have bouts of fatigue that I cannot seem to control or improve, despite years of medical/psychological/spiritual seeking

I have a tingling feeling in my genitals which feels like arousal but isn't; I have pain in my genital area, feeling like a pressure, sometimes running from my anus to my clitoris

I sometimes have thoughts which seem not to be me eg. attraction to women, which came overnight after a reiki treatment four years ago
An overwhelming need 'to be taken care of' like a child

Nausea

Intense sensitivity to others feelings and energies which hit me like a wave
I am woken up night after night with 'spiritual presences' sometimes a feeling of healing, sometimes visions of people and places, sometimes symbols.  None of which I understand, and I wake exhausted.

Constantly spaced out

I feel that I do not know who I am, which is me and which is not me, an entity, attachment, past life etc.

I have no idea what to do with my life, but even that I could live with if healthy

I have not enough energy to hold down any kind of occupation (even unpaid) let alone a 'regular job'

I feel my continued ill health has damaged my relationship with my husband

I am horrible to the children, weeping, snapping, everything feels like too much and I cannot cope

I fall apart at the drop of a hat

I have read extensively about kundalini awakening and with the best will in the world, cannot see how I can reconcile this to living any kind of normal life, for the symptoms, if that's what they are, are debilitating

I feel rage and sorrow when I look back at the promising person I used to be even 10 years ago: clever, sharp mind, nice person, cheerful, good top be around, normal body shape which I liked, energetic, more even tempered, full of life and vitality.

I look back and then forward in horror at who and what I have become: overweight, exhausted, tearful, overly-sensitive, unable to have a job, or even consistently do my writing which I love, terribly angry and bad-tempered with my beautiful children and lovely husband.

I have withdrawn from society apart from the necessary contact for all the reason I have mentioned.

Today as I write I have no idea if any of this will improve.  I have been like it for four years now, with no significant improvements to my ability to live a daily life.

I cannot, after all I have read, and the few conversations I have had with anyone who knows about things of the spirit and kundalini, find much good to say about what I feel has happened to me.  The negative outweighs the positive.

I despair at ever moving forward in terms of being able to actively contribute to society.

I have spent thousands of pounds on about 14 kinds of therapy including psychotherapy and the conventional medical routes.  I cannot look back with any certainty and say that something has helped.

I am alone in this as I have yet to find anyone who knows what I am talking about.  Reading things and being in forums on the net is not enough, I need to have someone guide me, but I have yet to meet this person or persons.

This is my life, and I feel terrible anger at the way it seems to be being wasted through fatigue and overeating.  I understand that we have a purpose to fulfil here on Earth but I do not know what that is; that in itself is not so bad, but being constantly fatigued seems like such a waste of a life.

I have kept up my courage and sought answers for four years; I have hauled myself off the floor day after day.  I cannot see the point of kundalini rising if it only brings continued ill-health and loss of ability to take part in life.  Yes, there is very likely a higher purpose, I cannot see God's will etc.  I accept that.  But is does nothing to change my daily reality of increasing overweight and inability to cope through fatigue.

I did not ask for kundalini, and had never heard of it.  These 'symptoms' started spontaneously after a reiki chakra balance four years ago.
I am not a negative person but have seem myself become one as things have not improved.  I feel deep sadness at the person I have become.  I feel that I have changed for the worse, and do not understand how this makes any sense from any point of view (spiritual, evolutionary etc.).

I do apologise for not presenting a very nice picture on this forum, but I found myself shocked at the way my experience of this phenomenon is so very negative compared to the general tone.  I have read a lot of the site and it is very informative, but again, I will have to log off in a minute to go and take care of my children, be a mum, do all the normal things, all the time feeling as if I am in a nightmare from which I have no idea if I will wake up.  Today, the very mention of 'spiritual process' evokes huge anger in me which I have not really felt before; I have simply tried to roll with it.  But as time has gone on with little improvement, I can say I am sick of the whole thing.

Once again, I am sorry for the negative post but I did feel the need to have it 'out here'.

Best regards, Christina

[sushi]

I sometimes I want to go off to goa or puri and do what I was doing before it all started,this third eye activity and kundalini kriyas and all that, I never really decided to do kundalini yoga as a path and there`s a lot of scary stuff about this way on the net , but there is a lot of spiritual benefits obviously too, I myself am more interested in bhakti and devotion to the divine mother now but, I got chronic fatigue and started seeing the blue light of the third eye and then started practising pranayama and hatha yoga just to rid myself of the fatigue,but it all seems to be somehoe geared towards preparing the body for the kundalini awakening that occured and all this latihan stuff that doesnt stop now so it is all our destiny anyhow,still the fatigue did dissapear when the kriyas started and you can get rid of fatigue abnd depression anyway with other approaches i feel it must be good to try to keep working in the outer world if possible to keep a nice balance but, just my ideas you can probably get better advise from awakened teachers !

[sushi]

Actually its interesting christina, because my kundalin awakening seemed to start when I was given a chakra rebalacing/healing by a friend who is a also a reiki master .She also had had some kriyas, and some fatigue which was cleared by Philip Weeks, a master herbelist in Hereford who specialises in treating this condition.Bu, I am wondering, if the this energy can be transferred from person to person in this way because I also passed it to my girlfriend and she was doing it for a while.

[Gustaf]

Dear forum,

This is me today and for several years now.

*snip*

I do apologise for not presenting a very nice picture on this forum, but I found myself shocked at the way my experience of this phenomenon is so very negative compared to the general tone.  I have read a lot of the site and it is very informative, but again, I will have to log off in a minute to go and take care of my children, be a mum, do all the normal things, all the time feeling as if I am in a nightmare from which I have no idea if I will wake up.  Today, the very mention of 'spiritual process' evokes huge anger in me which I have not really felt before; I have simply tried to roll with it.  But as time has gone on with little improvement, I can say I am sick of the whole thing.

Once again, I am sorry for the negative post but I did feel the need to have it 'out here'.

Best regards, Christina

Dear Christina

First of all, before doing anything else, you must get grounded.

http://kundalini-teacher.com/meditations/grounding.php

In addition to this grounding meditation, spend some time outdoors, walks in nature. Forests are good, and near water too. Don't be concerned with anything spiritual at the moment. Do simple things, like taking care of your family, cleaning. Especially physical things.  You already do this, but allow them to ground you. Bring your focus into the present moment, into the physical task, the sense perceptions.

Allow the thoughts and emotions come and go. It's important to not struggle with them.  You are also feeling very overwhelmed! Remember to breathe as often as you can.

The difficulties with Kundalini come with your resistance. You can't go back to the way you where, putting the genie back in the bottle. You can however live a normal life, but it will be with a different outlook.  I've gone through some really rough times too, but have come out on the other side each and every time, with more depth, finding life more beautiful and wondrous and even more mysterious.

You are not alone in going through the process, and you are not crazy!

What's really important is to get grounded, and get in balance, and to not resist anything. Surrender your thoughts and feelings to the divine.

http://kundalini-teacher.com/karma/surrender.php

I would also warmly recommend the kundalist email community, where there are many who are or have been going through the same things.

http://www.kundalini-gateway.org/

Remember to get grounded, breathe, and simplify!

Namaste
Gustaf

[sushi]

Gustav, I recently experienced resistance to meditation and fear of the process,because someone of the christian or white eagle lodge told me I should stop opening myself up in meditation because of negative entities may be attracted. I have always trusted meditation and surrended myself or let go and never worried about such things before,having a bit of an faith that `god is the only doer` or being influenced by advaita vedanta. Although it may be good to have a break from meditation for a while,sometimes, I found this fear of `entities` highly unhelpfull for me.I was wondering if what you feel about this and if you have ever experienced any similar fears?

[Gustaf]

Sushi, I am taking this to another thread, so we can keep this one focused on Christina

Namaste
Gustaf

[Christina]

Hello Gustav

Thank you for your considerate and sensible reply!  I have been working on grounding myself and it seems to be helping with the 'spaced-outness'.  At the moment I feel like I don't want to know about anything spiritual at all, I am so sick of it being a negative rather than a positive experience. So am staying way apart from this forum.

I have checked out the gateway site and have found some very helpful discussions relating to the whole issue of sex and sexuality which has been the part which has done the most damage psychologically.  When this whole thing started I woke up one day feeling an immense sexual urge towards women whereas I had never experienced anything like it (or been interested) in my life.  My childhood sweetheart who I was with for 9 years, one day told me that he was bisexual;  I was devastated, for many reasons.
I realise that bisexuality or a same-sex leaning has terribly negative connotations for me (betrayal, deception, not being reliable, trust issues, shame picked up from parental conditioning etc.).
Not to mention the fact that I am happily married and have two children!  The urges have been lasting about 4 years now, but in fact they are not true sexual urges of wanting to be with a woman; it feels more a combination of:

1  needing to beef up my masculine energy
2  allowing feminine energy to enter and flow through me
3  the sex urges are not all about the sexual act altho' I am not sure how to use this energy which feels very phyiscal

I realise this, because if I go with the urge as a fanstasy, I find it diminishes or goes away.  Very very strange and difficult to accept let alone integrate!  The urges are much less these days.  I certainly would not want a relationship with a woman as that would not feel right. 

All along, since I found out about kundalini, I have asked myself, 'Yes, ok, but what is the purpose of this, these feelings, the having to integrate massive amounts of feminine energy?'  I have not found any clear accecptable answers which go beyond a vague 'raising one's vibration' in order to get closer to the divine.  I can easily accept the theory, but to date cannot see how my daily existence is being bettered (in any way) by what I have been experiencing.  Perhaps if people have a particular faith it is easier to trust that things will be ok.  I do not have this faith and it feels false to try and cultivate one simply to accept what is going on.

I do hope this is not inappropriate for the site.


What did you do to 'surrender'?

As you can see, I have many things to voice and hope that you do not mind my doing so.  It is very, very helpful to be able to talk to you here as until now I have wandered through all this alone.

Sincere thanks for your time and compassion.

Christina

[Gustaf]

When I had my first awakening, around 8 years ago, it was more than I had bargained for! This despite that it was triggered by intense yoga practice. But I don't regret a single moment.

To be more precise about what happens; Kundalini brings up all the baggage you carry, all the emotional issues, all the beliefs, all the conditioning. Most of that stuff is unconscious. It lays hidden and dormant, until an external experience triggers it. Karma sounds like a mysterious eastern term, but it's really your conditioning. It affects how you see the world, and thus respond to things that happen, thus creating more of those things, and reinforcing the that way of seeing the world.  That's how getting focused all on the negative creates more of the negative. What you focus on grows. So on a mental/emotional level, Kundalini brings all of this stuff up to be dealt with, and surrendered, so you can be free from the prison of conditioned patterns of being that you didn't know even were there in the first place!

It is also energy, and this is what you feel. I was myself quite freaked out at first when suddenly there was energy rushing through me, everywhere.  Now it's part of my daily life, and if it was suddenly switched off, I would probably feel like I was dead!

It affects you physically too, the nervous system, the glands, the biorythms, the heartbeat, pretty much everything. I am not a physician, so it's usually best to leave the details to the experts. It can be very helpful to listen to your body, which becomes much more sensitive. It will start telling you of dietary needs that can be quite different from before.

http://kundalini-teacher.com/symptoms/stomach.php

As your conditioning is gradually whittled away, you will feel much more complete, your perception becomes clearer, and your mind becomes much more open to see things in new ways. Even though I've gone through some scarey times, in simple terms, I'm able to enjoy life much more fully, not take every little thing so seriously (because they are so insignificant!) and be able to not get so sucked into interpersonal dramas.  Which makes it so much more fun to interact with people, because I don't have to worry so much what they think of me.

This conditioning is what is usually refered to as the ego, a distorted sense of self, believing that you are something that you are not; believing you are limited to your body or your beliefs or your gender or your culture etc. It doesn't mean you reject them, just that you are not confined to or limited to any of those things. I don't think you need to subscribe to any spiritual belief to consider that. Your sense of separation with everything else is reduced, and you can feel more connected. That's how compassion arises, when you feel you share something with the other, rather than just seeing a mental list of statistics about him/her.

So the purpose is to be liberated from a very restricted, conditioned way of being that we take for granted, and realize the absolute miracle of life everywhere!  We have the potential to see beauty everywhere. Have you ever stopped in the midst of a milling crowd to just feel a perfect flow? Where every sound, every person is part of a perfect symphony? 

In a way, you have an advantage if you are not part of any particular faith (religious or non-religious) Because that gives you a clean slate to allow yourself to have your own way at looking at the world.
I don't want you to take on what I say as a belief either, agree with it because it sounds nice, or disagree with it because it's not what you want to hear.  Because ultimately it is your path, and you have to come to your own conclusions, experience your own transformation, and it becomes genuine and lasting.

If you are not interested, forget about spiritual traditions or what anybody tells you. All spiritual practices (and conventional therapies for that matter too) are just tools to break the bondage of conditioning.  This is why the therapist has you lay on the couch to relax and share your issues, with the hope that it will transform them.  Kundalini does this, spontaneously, and quite intensively.

So, most of the pain you experience in relation to Kundalini, is due to your resistance to the issues that are brought out to the open.  You may experience it physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I believe I already shared the link about surrender. On a day to day basis, try to allow your thoughts and emotions be as they are. Let them move through you, and try to not judge them. Many things inside just need an outlet. If you feel you have to express them, definitely do so, try to find a safe space to do it!

Active surrender also means to give something up to the Divine. Now, it doesn't matter what you call it. Call it God, Goddess, Divine, Source Energy, Universe, Love. It's all the same thing. Just pick whatever feels right with you. If you want to give it to a big purple dinosaur that works too.  You take, whatever you are feeling or thinking, a judgement of yourself or someone else, and you ask Goddess to take it from you.

"Goddess, please take this from me, it is a gift for You. It's Yours. Thank you very much."
(Breathe and distract yourself by thinking of something else.)"

It takes some faith to do this at first, but it gets better. You leave over what was previously held on to by the little conditioned sense of self over to the real essence of who you are. Try it out with something, you may feel different about it afterwards! Or maybe you have gotten an insight about it that you didn't see before. 

You may end up going to a doctor or therapist again, and if you do, you may find that you will get much better help, if you don't expect them to have all the answers! Because in the end, you need to follow your own intuition on who to go to, because the real power is within you, not anybody else. 

When it comes to bisexuality, try to not judge yourself for it, and if you experience judgement, surrender it!  We live in a very conditioned culture when it comes to sexuality. Sexual energy is the most powerful force in the universe, and it takes a multitude of forms! One way of looking at Kundalini is sexual energy expressed on different levels, as physical sex energy, as creative inspiration, and sublime states of consciousness. It's all the same source, experienced in different ways. 

When it comes to experiencing sexuality as a woman, Mystress will probably be much better at answering that! 

Namaste
Gustaf

[Da Zues Mon]

after my awakening, i would go around and see people naked! i saw their clothes but it's as if i had this sort of x-ray vision. i freaked out at first, seeing the same sex's genitals, began to start thinking that i was homosexual! . but when i saw this issue in a light and decided to interpret and allegorize it, i saw that it was that i was seeing people for who they were, not their conditioned self or their ego , which could symbolize what i saw inside of people as for communicating with them, i could almost "read" their mind, developed more of a telepthic communication with everyone and as well as animals.

[Mystress]

Hello Christine:

  Gustaf has written you some beautiful and helpful responses. So happy to have him here!

  I'll just mention 3 things he didn't.

  First, I have encountered several people who got symptoms of Chronic Fatigue disorder after a reiki initiation. Reiki is not compatable with Kundalini, although it may be a trigger for awakening.  The symptoms went away after I removed the reiki implants by burning them off with Tummo fire. Normally it is part of a tummo initiation/activation.
  I am not doing tummo initiations anymore but my lineage is.

http://kundalini-teacher.com/initiations/serpentfire.html

  I believe that Kundalini makes everybody a little bit bisexual. Love knows no gender and what is on the inside is more important than the physical shape and whether its plumbing is an innie or an outie.  You have to let go of your issues about that. You do not have to act it out or pursue it in your life, just make peace with it in your heart.

  The other thing is that such attractions may well be symbolic of your need to love and unify with the Goddess. Maybe you do not love Her too well right now but your path gets easier if you do. So, enjoy the fantasies!

  Being too empathic is not fun, and the remedy is to turn your energy inward and stay grounded. For now just focus on staying grounded.

  Regarding diet: I have noticed a significant connection between my self life and my appetite for food. Sex feeds women in an indefinable way... the more sex I have the less I eat.

  However I think what you are dealing with is a nutritional deficiency.  Sometimes the cravings can be stopped cold when you finally figure out what your body really wants.  For example, PMS chocolate cravings can be stopped cold with a teaspoon full of molasses, because it contains more of the minerals your body is looking for in chocolate.

  I feel part of it is also a massive internal candida yeast infection... Google it. There are many varieties of yeast that can live inside a human body and they pee everything from alcohol to formaldehyde into your blood stream, with ensuing effects on the brain and health. Some subtle allergies can really affect the mind, so can swinging blood sugar levels. Most of us get cranky when we are hungry. The nitrites in preserved meats make me almost homicidal! I avoid them.

  Childrens ADD, and various social disorders have been shown to become vastly improved when artificial colours, flavours and preservatives are removed from their diet. 

  Skip all the fancy high priced candida cures you may see online, and instead invest in an appointment with a very good naturopath. They can test you for candida infection as well as subtle food allergies, and the strength or functioning of your internal organs.  Many women who are very obese turn out to have a type of diabetes not found in normal testing.  I'm not an MD, but I do get the sense that your food and mood issues are as much physical as K related.

  Most of your other symtoms, like blue spots and night time visitors, are actually pretty normal for K awakening so I'm not going to address them except to tell you to take it all in stride and don't worry.

   Blessings!

   

[sushi]

I felt I had to write some thing about cures for chronic fatigue because I have been effected and have a friends who have been cured after years of chronic fatigue.I dont know if you live in the uk or us but two of my friends ,one who had chronic fatigue syndrome for 14 years was expertly cured by philip weeks who is a naturopath and acupuncturist,as well as iriologist(eye-diagnosis)and a master herbalist.And he`s got one of those state of the art machines that reads the energy readings of the aura anyway he`s cured a lot of people of it but there`s a two or three month waiting list for him cos he`s so popular.He`s in Hereford at the philip weeks clinic and London somewhere too.Also , the`s the lightening process which is 94% effective ,there are practioners all over the u.k. I dont know about u.s.  Love Sushi