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[dakapacity]

Howdy All,

Once upon a not so long ago a time I used to be a scared, insecure & a little frustrated sort of hombre. I didn't know what I wanted out of life, couldn't relate to other people (relations were a flop, almost always ended up with a madame-vampire sucking the little energy that I had out of me), got strange kind of headaches if I talked to people (as if a strange chemichal was being released into my brain), etc...  Part of this had its origin in a difficult childhood et al (no blahblah 'bout this, that's from the past).  Anyway, I guess there was a rebel underneath this facade of a scared, lifeless pre-projection that used to be me: 10 years ago I decided to go in therapy with a witch/therapist.  I used to be really rational, but she was cool and left out all the hocus-pocus at that time.  Things changed & I learned to tell myself I wasn't all that bad...  2 years ago I decided to walk the Camino (or Road) de Santiago a Compostella (a pilgrimage of 800 km in Spain), suggested by two friends who walked parts of it.  I read Paulo Coelho's & Shirley MacLaine's accounts on the Camino and loosened up my rationalistic attitude a huge bit, ready to be open for what was coming... and it was magic!!!

I decided to prepare myself a little physically by doing some daily hikes in the Ardennen (hills in Belgium where I live).  On one of these trips I stumbled up this tunnel.  It was built by the Belgian prisoners in World War II and it was pitch dark in its belly, but you could notice a dim light at the end of its curve (so there was light at...).  I told myself I had to go thru it, but was scared stiff!  Instead I returned my walk home...  The tunnel didn't leave my mind & I knew one day I'd return!  A couple of days before my new trip I finished reading an interview book with Paulo Coelho where at one time during the interview Coelho's wife saw a feather closeby which she wanted to pick up.  Coelho told her not to to it as it was for him a some sort of sign.  I didn't give it much thought and the trip-day arrived...  I was walking 'till I came close where I thought the tunnel would be, but I was nervous as hell, so decided to sit on the road for a while trying to breathe & calm myself. That worked a litle and when I got up, to my astounishment, I saw a feather under my ass, bringing back Coelho's little story.  I picked it up and attached it to my walking stick.  I must've taken a wrong road, because the paths that I was walking now didn't seem familiar.  Again to my amazement I saw a barren road which gave way to the other side of my biggest nightmare with the same faint light at the end of its curve.  I assembled all my courage and decided to go through it.  It was scary as hell, I felt cold, shaking a bit, but went on and when I reached the end of it I laughed and cried heav(en/i)ly. I realised at that time this tunnel was a metaphor for me not to go for certain 'good' the things in life, because they scared me (or whatever).  That night I wanted to spent the night in the village closeby, but it was way too touristic for me, so I decided to sleep outside since it was beautiful outside (er... close to the tunnel).  At around 3am it started to rain and since I dind't have a tent with me, I... slept in the tunnel... I didn't sleep much, but my worst nightmare eventually became my best friend!!!  

There was also this metaphor for the Camino de Santiago: the 1st part in the mountain range The Pyrrenees was called the Fysical part (climbing long steep stretches, I pursuaded myself to conquer the Road, while I ended up with tendinitis which learned me that the road was actually walking me, not the opposite!), the 2nd part consisted of long monotonous corn fields spread out in the burning sun and was called the Psychological fase (there's not much to see, just endless boring stretches & my head was spinning with tons of negativity, but I walked on!) and the 3rd part was called the Spiritual Path (landscape changed into smurflike villages and, here indeed I felt, after a 50km walk a deep peace on an, at least in my mind, almost holy mountain). Anyway, it was on this Road that I experienced some beautiful things.  

One day I walked a part of the Psychological Road with tons of questions bombing my brains when all of sudden there was this little house with a well run by 2 Germans who spent most of their time gazing at the whistling trees in front of them.  On the Camino there are many places where you can sleep at a symbolic price called 'refugios' and this was one of them. I only walked for about 12 kms and most people who saw these 2 silent guys sitting there felt uncomfortable and went on, but I decided to stay.  I relaxed and walked through the neighbouring fields.  At one moment (don't know why, but...) I came across this man made 25 cm (less than a foot?) frontier to seperate one field from another and I knew instinctively I had to stop walking. I didn't know why, felt a little restless and saw all of a sudden a little snake 'looking' at me. It dissapeared quickly and at that time I told myself that my intuition warned me from a snakebite, while I 'know' now that it was the forebode of K's Choice to awaken in me!

Another one of these magical stories appeared a couple of days later when my mind was occupied again by a stream of endless blahblah which took a hold of me and where I couldn't break free from.  Close to the end of the small city where I would spent the night I encountered 2 little puppy dogs.  Every freakin' manual on this Road to Santiago mentions to be careful with dogs, so I too poked my walking stick against these horrible biting creatures... I incidentally stepped on one of their tales (kaiieeeet) and realised that we could be friends too... so I decided to share my can of tuna-fish with them and let go of the manual warnings.  That night I decided again to sleep outside on a higher hill plain overlooking the city with my newly acquired friends which I named Santi & Jago.  We played, talked, ate some more; they showed me to laugh again, to be in the here and the now and again I realized how I had locked myself up in my head refusing to see the beauty manifesting itself around me.  It was wonderfull!  As if this wasn't pure magic yet, the sun took refuge behind the horizon and I was laying there protected by my two watchdogs cuddling up to me under a starry sky.  Around midnight the weather started to change and at two different sides around me there was thunder & lightning. I felt restless and was scared that it would reach me, but it didn't.  I didn't sleep much, but got through the night dry. In the morning I started to pain my brain again with the thought what to do with Santi & Jago since they were following me wherever I went (a piss, a short walk, ...). I packed my things, lowered myself to my friends and told them that I had to walk this Camino, that it was something I had to to and that I wanted them to remain there. I kissed them, didn't look back for at least 100 m, and realized to my astounishment that they hadn't followed me!

More beautiful things happened on this magical Road and almost all the people walking it were very open to me (and visa versa) & had magic to share as well!  When I came back I was a grown person and did something I knew I had to do long time ago, which was to quit my job in a printing press (post-press causing de-pess {'ç'} ) which stressed the hell out of me!!! I spent a couple of months without a job, feeling insecure about it, but somewhere knew that things would turn out to be allright... and now I work alone in a cd-store for classical music and jazz (which is a lot better!)

One year ago I decided to join a Vipassana course (a meditation technique in 10 days of silence).  It was heavy, especially the 1st four days: I saw a lot of repressed anger and sadness, but aim of the course is  to be able to watch it from a distance, with the wisdom of 'anitcha' (meaning the tempory condition of all things: everything will pass, so don't attach to the things...). I guess I was a good student, because I sat for long times, sometimes skipping the breaks.  On the Sixth or Seventh Day It happened.  By that time you'd learned how to sweep flows of energy through your body and after a day of doing so my body felt really charged.  In bed I put myself on my back, felt the energy increasing.  I felt all my chakras (which I didn't know much about at that time) connecting, my heart doing a marathon, couldn't breathe well, my body felt like wood, felt hot on different parts of my body and noticed a stream of energy pouring out of my head (both terrifying and wonderful!) . If there was one thing I'd learned during the course was that 'anicha/it will pass' was very important. It happened twice that night, after which I was exhausted.  After the first time it happened I thanked myself and Life after which a electric discharge followed.  One of the reasons I clinged on to the idea of 'anicha' was that my brother is diagnosed with psychosis (or K going bad?!) and I think I did the right thing...  for me this thought was mentally 'grounding'.
The next days during sweep-meditation my body (K) organised different postures for me, mostly ending up with my head in almost Exorsist-like positions, (intense) heating & doing the Kundalini-Shake (as I call it): my head starts to move frantically top-bottom or left-right, etc... It hurts like hell, but again I knew (and I hope I'm right...) that this was the thing to be done...

Now we've come to the present... I still K-Shake 'n Bake, feel much calmer now, see my own & others mental traps sooner & better, I like to be on my own more, but still enjoy company. I follow a intuitive theatre-course inspired by the methods of Grotowski & Peter Brooke which is in a way connected to the Camino & K's Choice.

I guess I'd like to have shared a Positive note on my experiences with K that might help others.
10000 Characters Finito!

Peace,
dANIËL

[Mystress]

Thank you for sharing your story, Daniel!

[hollyberry]

Dear Daniel,

I read your story with a real wide smile because it really connects with some of my experiences too and had a little weep as well - like sometimes when you see nature (it can be some tiny little thing like a new bright green shoot coming out of the black earth or an incredible planet side landscape with the clouds wheeling over a horizon) and it makes you just well up with sheer awesomeness and beauty of things......so thanks for sharing - it has helped also fill in some gaps, add a few extra fibres to my bow that I might need in the future - and I really appreciate your taking the time...thanks