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[BenedictaVerdes]

hey everyone,

ok this is a long one i dont even know if i can remember enough of the past months to paint a picture of what im going through. this all started when i smoked some bad weed one night and never returned. i had been smoking weed for about 3 years before this happened and done alot of drugs so i was no stranger to the feeling, to of being high and such...

anyways my friend came over and smoked with  me and about after an hour or so i started to feel very sick and anxious, i said nothing to anyone. i only responded in the form of copying thier emotions so they wouldnt think i had gone crazy. but i lost something very important to myself that night. my mind was blank. i couldnt describe it at the time.

everyone left and i felt horrible. i felt like if i didnt concentrate on the present i was going to lose my mind. if i didnt stay grounded in reality, that reality was going to leave me. i sat there in this state for about 5-6 hours. dazed by unrelenting fear that something horrible was happening. i tried to focus my mind on stuff but it was no use. i somehow managed to go to sleep, convincing myself that i would be all better in the morning. but when i woke up nothing had changed. this was terrifying. it felt like i had broke something. or that something was lost. i said to myself "itll be ok in a few days, its just stress, itll go away" but it never did. Time felt as if it did not exist anymore. That I was gone. I kept saying things in my head like where im from, what im doing etc.. to remind myself of who I am. By the end of the day I had completely broken down. I called my parents and confessed to them why I was such an angry person my whole life.  Why I had such a hatred for them.  I broke down emotionally. I fessed up everything I was trying to hide for so many years. I don't know why I did this but I felt like it would help. But it did not. I started crying in my room when I was talking to my dad on the phone. I felt a little better and even laughed for a second. Then I remembered that there wasn't a me to be happy for. I went right back down again.
I started to see a psychiatrist (again something I would never ever normally do) I have always been forced to have a strong will to get by emotionally.  My parents are morons. But still loving.
As the days went by I started searching every minute of every day for an answer to what happened to me. I kept telling my family that I "did not feel like myself" that's the only way I could describe it to them without them thinking I had lost my mind. But I meant it in the most severe form possible. Yet I retain my memories. They gave me so much love that I simply could not feel. Its like the more they showed their love for me the deeper into despair I went. I knew something was horribly wrong. I avoided contact with anyone as much as possible. Because when I spoke it was a strangers voice coming out. Only learned reactions. There is and was still no substance to anything I do. No soul, if you will. I feel as if I am on autopilot. A hollow shell, just a body in space-time.
In my search for explanations to what happened to me I came upon this:

http://kundalini.se/eng/shit.html

As soon as I read the part about the "deep sense of purposelessness" and what the shaman said: 
"Goddess{kundalini} has started the process and the fears of the individual has created blockages to cause them to be stuck there. In the twilight zone of the timeless underworld, stuck between ego-death and rebirth . . . You are in Hades. When the energy broke thru that barrier in your brain, it broke thru the barrier of your own ego-separation, and that part of you died. The veil of separation is also the doorway of death. You have become a kind of zombie, my friend, dead man walking. Your ego Died and went to Hades, and your body is a robot waiting for you to return to it. That is the meaning of your symptoms. Hades is a timeless place. In the fields of Lethe, the flowers never die. Your body is on autopilot; your consciousness is in Hades."
Instantly a wave of adrenaline broke through my body. I knew deep down in my bones what had happened. I cannot describe to you the dread and sense of doom. It was horrific. I do not know how I made it through that. It was like realizing you are completely alone. That all your family and friends and feelings had all died in a plane crash all at once. I laid in bed that night not knowing what to do. Praying for death, praying for god to return to me what was mine. But I knew it wasn't coming. It still hasn't. the only thing that made me able to get through it was the thought of suicide. I convinced myself this terrible fate could be ended if I just killed myself. I came very close to doing it the next few weeks, I even wrote the letter.

I could not tell if I was hungry or full or tired or awake or anything about my body. Its like I was disconnected from it overnight. I forgot to mention that I had just started college shortly before this all happened and was going through a lot of stress, stress that I didn't know about. I was hiding from it. I have realized a lot about myself since this terrible event and it's the only thing that keeps me going. All of my former self created walls are nearly gone. For instance I always wanted to be able to skateboard decently, I could never learn to Ollie before. As I was walking around with my friend I felt this need to buy a board. I did and have only been skating a few weeks but I am pulling off tricks that would have taken me years to learn. But there is only momentary satisfaction in skating for me. I guess that it why I do it. There is no feeling of satisfaction of having a good day sort of thing if you know what I mean.

I have learned so much about myself that I was hiding but it all still seems so mechanical. There still is no substance to anything. I only know things in my mind. Not my heart.
Suicide is growing closer. Today I fully understood what this man was talking about in saying  "I still hold the view that one should lead a righteous life but it is overshadowed by my questions of what is it to be alive and to actually live an individual human existence."

It feels like my soul has left me. I don't know what to do anymore. Each day my faith gets weaker.

[Mystress]

  Yes I am the female shaman who wrote that, and that moron did not have my consent to repost it there, edited and stripped of the advice on how to resolve it, which I think he didnt take anyway. 

  Suicide? phhht. dumb idea. This is a phase, it will pass.

   Do the Earth heart meditation, get reborn. Do the soul meditation too, and focus on observing your breath. I will ask Goddess to put your soul back in your body.

  Simply observing your body breathing without trying to control it, centers you and brings you back to your body.  Will bliss you out in 5 minutes. The symptoms you describe, not knowing when you are hungry etc. are symtoms of not being in your body but simply watching the breath will usually bring you back. 

  As an aside, I have no sense of time passing or of who I am. Doesn't bother me except for being late for stuff but thats partly ADD.  I have noticed people who are happy with their lives don't waste any time wondering who they are, they are too busy living.

  Hang in there, things will get better.   

[infinity]

i only responded in the form of copying thier emotions so they wouldnt think i had gone crazy. but i lost something very important to myself that night. my mind was blank. i couldnt describe it at the time.

I know that feeling, i think that in some cultures or spiritual practices that this would be considered a breakthrough. But in the world we inhabit (i'm assuming your a westerner) this kind of breakthrough is difficult to ground or have recognized.people cant understand that you can achieve a blank mind, even in such a distracting and demanding world..