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[christodenisto]

Dear Mystress and all,

I hope this is the right place to ask.

Basically at the beginning of last year, a day after taking a small amount of pot, I went to a man for a psychic reading.
He waved his hands around me and told me which chakras were blocked.

Within hours of this, I started feeling like I was losing my mind. Something was trying to shoot out of the top of my head. Then, for the next 3 days or so, I had surges of energy up my legs and spine, into my forehead. I had the feeling of a screwdriver spinning into me at different points on my body, exactly where the chakras are supposed to be - from my heart to my solar plexus, then up to my forehead etc. My eyes started going into my forehead involuntary, and I started going into a kind of trance.

Basically after the three days, it just stopped. And nothing happened for six months. But then, in August last year, all my emotions switched off. My libido switched off completely. So for the last 15 months or so I have felt no emotions at all. no love, sadness, joy, excitement or anything.

I have spent the last year trying to get out of this. I have been to 6 psychiatrists, been on many kinds of drugs - basically none of the psychiatrists have heard of this numbness, or the energy stuff, and the drugs have been completely ineffective.

Do you think that I had a kundalini experience?
Is the numbness a part of the kundalini, or do you think it is totally unrelated ? (I am not sure if the numbness just happened due to depression, or due to the kundalini)

I very much want to experience my emotions again, and in particular, I want to experience Universal Love.
Do you have any suggestions about how I could achieve this?

I was wondering if a Shaktipat would help me with this, though I have noted that you are no longer offering these.


thanks kindly for reading my story,

christodenisto, Australia

[Mystress]

  Yes, Kundalini. Irresponsible of the guy to awaken you like that.

  You have been knocked into the Witness state.  Read the essay
  http://kundalini-teacher.com/chakras/witness.html

 You ARE experiencing universal love... you are being That. Not what you expected, eh? Unconditional love means no conditions. Emotions, are a condition.

 Do the visualization on that page, then reverse it... come back to your body. Do it on a weekend, or when you have some time off.  Suddenly regaining emotions could be a little bumpy.  

Other than that, do nothing. Kundalini has its own intelligence, you will come out of it spontaneously, eventually. Surprised it lasted so long..  learn to get grounded, too...

 Let me know how it goes... Blessings!

[Wanda]

Over a year?! This must be terrible...

I had my "zombie state" 15 years ago, and I can still remember how it was... It lasted for six months. At first, I was kinda relieved, because I had been going through an emotional turmoil, but after a while, I tried everything I could think of to get out of this state. Like, drinking heavily, and having lots of wild sex... Anything to make me feel again. Finally, I tried killing myself, since I felt dead anyway. I had no idea what was going on and I thought I would stay that way forever... I did come out of it gradually though.

Afterwards, it has returned, but only for a few minutes at a time, thank God. Unconditional Love, huh? I'll see if I can start viewing these moments that way...

I wish I had had the Mystress'es essay on the Witness and her advice back then!
Lucky you.  

Wishing you a smooth recovery,
Wanda

[christodenisto]

Hello Mystress and all,

Well, I did the grounding visualisation, and also the witness state visualisation, and reversed it.
I still have no emotions, and there is no feeling of energy or anything.

The thing is, I have been in this numb state for so long now, I can't imagine ever getting out of it spontaneously. It seems like, unless there is some intervention by someone or something else (ie by drugs or Shaktipat or healing), I could be like this for the rest of my life. I don't mean to exaggerate the situation, but it does feel like I am a zombie - the living dead. I don't understand why God would place me in this state indefinitely. I don't think I am growing in any way as a result of this experience.

Do you know of anyone, anywhere in the world, who could help my process along a bit? Do you know of any psychics or others who could confirm whether or not something is happening inside of me kundalini wise, or whether I am dormant?

I am quite desperate about this.

thanks a lot,

Chris

[Wanda]

Chris,

Forgive me if this sounds incredibly stupid, but have you tried getting down on your knees and praying out loud for the powers of heaven and earth to come and help you with this? This could be the little push that is needed... Or it could cause someone out there to intervene for you.

I myself didn't do this at the time, because I hated God for doing this to me and I was sure He is all cruelty and horror. But I keep on thinking, that if I would have, then it might have passed sooner... Because later on, my pleas out of the depths of desperation HAVE been heard.  

But I'm sure the Mystress will give you the expert advice,
Wanda

[christodenisto]

Hey Wanda,





Thanks for your suggestion.
Yes, I have prayed.
I started praying in desperation about it over a year ago now.

Recently, I have prayed to my higher self, Maitreya, Christ, Dhwal Kuhl, God generally, my guides and angels, among others.
I have tried to bargain with God - ie saying that if I get out of this and get into a positive emotional state I will be of great service.
I have even told my higher self to bring on more kundalini if that is the only way out.

.... nothing so far.

[Wanda]

Well, I just thought I'd ask...  

Even though you don't realise that you're "growing in any way" this doesn't necessarily mean that your kundalini is "dormant". There might be some very complicated processes going on inside of you that you're (mercifully) not aware of, so the numbness IS a kind of anaesthesia. Try to think about it this way - do you really want to wake up in the middle of a surgery? I mean, not just to become conscious of what is happening, but to feel all the pain?

If the prayers and techniques haven't worked then maybe it's because the "surgery" isn't over yet, and it cannot be rushed, and for some reason noone human or superhuman can take some of your stuff to process for you... And all you can do is try to make the conditions for your kundalini more favourable, with diet and such... And hope that it will be over soon.

But these are only my ramblings, I'm no expert in this.
Wanda

[lookingforanswers]

I'm still quite a newbie on all of this but one thing does pop up from what you've said. Pot. I've definitely been one to enjoy my smoking for quite some time, but I've found that it hinders my energy and makes me numb. If you are still smoking, you might want to consider taking a break. I've found my energy and connection to intensify dramatically when I do.
Just my .02

[christodenisto]

hey looking for answers,
I have taken pot 3 times in my life - and only a tiny amount at a time.
I have not touched it since I had that experience almost 2 years ago now.

but thanks for the suggestion anyway.

Mystress,  do you have anything to add about my situation?

[Mystress]

  Obviously, "desperate" and "emotionless" are not the same thing, eh?  You cannot feel desperation in Witness.

 Zap people with a little energy in saced space, they diagnose themselves. Their DB speaks through them, and I appear oh- so clever...

You wrote: I don't mean to exaggerate the situation, but it does feel like I am a zombie - the living dead.

 Hey zombie.  

 Could be you are dead.  It happens. Ego dies, consciousness spends time wandering in the underworld wondering why life has lost its passion.  I encounter a few folks in that condition every year.  They seem to find me... it is not very common, but it does happen... and yeah, it can last for years without intervention. So, your instincts and impressions are correct!  

 Makes sense, spontaneous Witness doesn't usually last that long, but .. "dead man walking." I didn't want to say it.  

 Well, no worries, mate!!  Rebirth is easy and it is best as a DIY.  Just you and Goddess and nobody else interfering. That is important. Don't let anybody else "rebirth" you.

  Tonight when you go to sleep, (or on the weekend) do the grounding then sink or slide straight down your grounding cord to stand on the surface of the fiery crystal... and sink into the crystal like quicksand.  When you are completely inside, imagine floating like a tiny feotus in the womb of the Mother, and go to sleep like that.

 Be very gentle with yourself in the days following. Takes a few days for re-integration with the body and it is a delicate process. It may seem like you go from numb zombie to very sensitive and kinda vulnerable newborn... respect that. New flower buds growing, are delicate and need gentle handling if they are to come to full flowering. About a week... but the first 3 days are the most sensitive.

  Spend time alone, in nature. Don't watch TV or radio. Music is OK. Give love to your body. Avoid aggressive situations, be at peace, eat light simple food, and above all, don't attach to anything.  Get to know yourself, as if meeting a new friend for the first time, and don't make any conclusions about who you think that person is.  Just love and acceptance and a shrug. Don't make any life changing decisions. Just Be.

  The Soul meditation is a good focus at this time. Helps to knit you back into your body.

  In a month or two, you will have a better sense of the previous guy, the zombie and your new self. At that point, you can start to evaluate what stuff you inherited from him you want to keep, and what you are ready to let go of. Don't try to do it sooner, because it is not for the dead guy or the zombie to decide who the reborn one is to be.  Death is the end, they don't get a vote. (why do you think we usually re-incarnate amnesiac? Fresh start.)  Give your new self time to grow into the guy Goddess intends him to be, and allow space for that to unfold without any pressure of goals, old baggage or plans for the future.

  The pot was irrelevant, BTW. It is simply not powerful enough to have that sort of effect. It just opened you up a little more to the original guy messing with your energy. Made you more receptive.

 Other folks reading this, tempted to try it... it is both gentle and powerful. If you are not a zombie then it is best if you stabilize in grounding and learn surrender, first.

 Blessings!

[Mystress]

  BTW: Wanda, chris...

 God did not do that to you, you did. Resisting the bardo journey through the underworld gets you stuck there, and prayers do not help because it is all up to you, to choose love and acceptance until you run out of karma and pass through to the next level.

 Don't blame yourself: you did not know it WAS a bardo journey and resistance is human.

 The underworld is a very strange place. (place=dimension or state of mind.) Normally there are safeguards of consciousness (fear of death, fear of fear, the portal guardian of the viel) to keep people from straying into death and the underworld before the consciousness is purified enough for it to be a stroll through buttercups hand in hand with your Divine Beloved lover.  

 Death is the doorway to the light, the door to nonduality. You cannot bring fear into non-duality, so in the underworld fears get reflected back, even the things that seemed positive when alive turn inside out and show the other side of the coin.

  So Hope, for example, turns into fear of the future and a desire to control outcomes.  Hope takes you out of the moment.  If you are at peace with what Is in the here and now, there is no room for hope. No need. Dante wrote that above the gates of Hell it says "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here" and it is actually good advice for the underworld traveller because hope itself will keep you stuck there.  Struggling to get out, draws you deeper in.  Praying for mercy, shows your belief or attachment to misery and illusions of helplessness.

  It is like, the gates of Eden are guarded by an angel with a fiery sword, and only those who are without fear may pass... Fools rush in...  Hope is born of fear and misery.  Do not pass "Go" do not collect enlightenment. Just end up on a detour to a place you won't enjoy.  Purgatory is the opposite of Eden.

 People get impatient for enlightenment, try to take shortcuts or think some initiation is an instant pass when it is really only "instant karma."  

 Chris, the guy yanked open your crown chakra before your consciousness was prepared to handle it, crown chakras are extremely delicate that way, as they represent such a massive shift of consciousness.  I handle them extremely gently because prying them open will lead to some craziness. They need to unfold at their own pace.

 I won't teach ego death either, it is just too dangerous... but off hand I know of several types that people do, and some phase of crazy is often the result because ego desire for it, is a sign of not being ready.

 It is a phase of K, to go all savior hero with new power and insights, thinking everybody should have some, and unfortunately because that attitude is born of ego, you get people like the guy who messed with you- their good intentions are a road to hell for the people they mess with.  It is a co-dependent karma game, they attract impatient people like you to work stuff out with.
 You haven't learned, either:

 You wrote:
Do you know of anyone, anywhere in the world, who could help my process along a bit?
 
 Just one person: you. God of your own life.  Quit looking for a savior. Anybody who wants to play that co-dependent role with you, is not fit for the job. Hello!!!


 Wanda: your suicide attempt probably served to trigger your return to life... in an ass-backward and self destructive way, you surrendered to being dead- thought, word deed.  Pretty much overkill, thought alone would have been just as effective... fortunately you survived.  

 Rebirth in this way is not instant enlightenment- you bail on the bardo journey into rebirth, instead of completing it by clearing all your karma.  However, it is better to work the stuff out as a living human, if you still have a living body. There is purpose to having a body...

  There is growing that comes of this type of death experience.  Nobody appreciates being alive, like somebody who has been dead for a while, eh Wanda?    

  The attitude change is a great benefit to spiritual growth... but why go through hell when you can just count your blessings, and change your attitude to gratitude,  anytime?

 

[Wanda]

 Nobody appreciates being alive, like somebody who has been dead for a while, eh Wanda?    

Mystress,

I suppose you meant that as a rhetorical question, but it got me thinking.... It's the question I have carefully avoided asking myself. Do I appreciate being alive? Well, my own choice would have been to be dead, meaning unconscious for all eternity. But it seems that noone gives a **** about my free will in this matter.

In case there's anyone out there who is going through an unbearably rough K-awakening and contemplating suicide as a way out – don't bother. I did try to kill myself, but I discovered that I am literally unable to raise my hand against myself. Like something holding me back, a resistance of a kind, that no amount of willpower can overcome. After a month of struggling with this, I gave up and tried the alternative – to get someone else to kill me. This proved to be surprisingly difficult, but I did manage to get myself into a couple of situations that looked promising... Only to have a direct divine intervention (and I do not use this expression lightly) save me at the last moment.

You can guess whether I was pissed.   There seems to be some truth to the theory that people undergoing a spiritual process get special protection, including protection from themselves.

As to my "zombie state", it formally came to a conclusion with a strange dream.

It was all white and silent, I was running through a grayish, thick fog, chased by some invisible force. It was far superior in speed and strength, and moved softly, with grace, like a big cat... I knew it was hopeless but I still kept running. Finally, it caught up with me and jumped me from behind, I fell down with my face to the ground. It was pinning me down and leaned in for the kill, I imagined it would break my neck with its jaws. A surge of fear of death shot through me, but I thought – at last, it will be over – and let go... Next thing I know, I'm standing up, everything around me is still white, but this time it is like fluffy clouds, glistening and bright. I feel something like little children playing and laughing around me... An incredible bliss.

I woke up and I was different. Everything was different. Nothing has been the same ever since.

Do I appreciate being alive? I don't know. I'm not sure I am alive. It all seems unreal somehow...

But it was all years ago, many things have happened since then. I have experiences and concerns of a very different kind now, about love and compassion and empathy, all through the heart.

Sorry for pouring it all out here,
Chris, I hope you're rebirthing goes well,
Wanda

[tiny_sounds]

Really enjoying these posts guys.  

Mystress, I really like all the talk of the underworld and how hope reflects fear of the future. This has been a massive thing in my life over the past three years, and Im only just learning to let it go and ground myself. All the stuff about the hero things are also quite prominant for me right now. Ahhhh, it's so nice when you get the right info at the right time!

nice one,

Jack

[Mystress]

Really interesting story, Wanda. Thank you for posting it.
So, it cleared when you let go of fear, surrendered to death. That fits.

 Gratitude gives the joy-bliss effects. Blessings!