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[surf]

I feel like I have completely lost my will.  Like it doesn't work.  I can't function.  I feel like I am fighting for my life 24/7.  Can someone please help me? 

[Duu]

Hi,

Maybe will to uncompromisingly focus on what is real and beautiful is missing.
And you focus too much on what is unreal. That is not really a will but a choice.
So change the choice.
Came it ever to you, that life and nature just goes on and no "willing" in the
common sense is needed for it to be? It can do just fine without it.
As will is a ego idea that brings with it often struggle and striving and conflict. Egos will has an expectation, "idea" of the future build in it and thus possibility for dissatisfaction and tension and so on. And forces us into trying to change the outer circumstance to suit its idea of goal, as it "should be" or expectations. This is not how nature is.

That is just theory. But it can be useful to help you in surrendering and grounding practice. And acceptance of whatever is. Loving your body and coming back to it. That can help well.

Write more in detail of your practices before and your current situation.
In case you are experiencing serious depression for longer time than also doctor consultation is advised.

Love,

Duu

[surf]

Hi Duu,

Thanks for the reply.  I agree though I think one at least needs a functioning will to survive in this world.  I have been experiencing trouble mentally for quite some time.  The difficult part is I'm not sure how to exactly describe what I experience.  My best way of describing what I experience is that if my brain were a computer that functions when one presses certain keys or commands to operate different applications, that the computer has gone into safe mode and none of the keys, or commands work to access the applications and functions.  I am still conscious but feel like my functions don't work properly; thought, will, feeling, senses.  I feel like something is wrong and has been wrong with me that I haven't been able to fully get at, comprehend, understand, and describe and I haven't been able to function properly in the real world. 

I don't have any spiritual practices at the moment.  Not that I am not a spiritual person.  I use to be Christian however had a moment of deep insight in which I realized that my beliefs and the beliefs I was raised with were detrimental.  Fear based rather than Love based.  Making this change may have contributed to what I experience now as my worldview collapsed.  I haven't been involved with any religion or with spirituality much since however if I were to describe how I see things I find much truth in Mystress' writings on this website.  That everything is One consciousness and that that is Goddess/Spirit/Source. 

I was in Mexico with a friend years back and we were at a church.  The pastor asked if he could pray for us and we said "yes".  Nothing happened to me but my friend fell over on the ground and started moving around a lot, shaking, and speaking in tongues.  He later said that his experience was very beautiful and he felt energy shooting out of his hands.  I imagine what he was experiencing was Kundalini.  Later he asked if he could pray for me and I said yes.  I began to feel a rocking motion starting at the base of my spine. 

Since then I have experienced Kriyas.  I feel what feels like a snake moving up around my spine and to my head.  It happens all throughout the day and quite frequently.  Shortly after this happened is when I began experiencing what I now experience and have since experienced mentally.   I am not sure if what I am experiencing mentally is related to Kundalini or not.  I also experience what seem like Sacred G body postures and yoga poses.  It's nice. 

It took me many years before I learned and heard the word Kundalini.  I am thankful for this site, Mystress' writings, the forum, and for your reply.  It has helped me a great deal in understanding some things that I didn't understand before. 

Thank you for your words Duu. 

Surfingisfun

[Duu]

Hi,

The state you describe carries a mark of being out of body. And so try to use the remedy to come back to it and stay so.
Kundalini awakening invites us to embrace the element of surrender. While taking best care of body and being embodied as you can. As when you see a spiritual force that works beyond your control that is a new realization for most. So surrender is not the usual, very obvious reaction to what is happening inside us. Habitual reaction is different, control or suppression or worry and so.
This reactions are understandable but not productive to the smooth solution.

We dont really have things outside or inside under control as much as we think we do. As maybe you found out, but many people are not realy seeing that point so well as someone with kriyas might.
Even more, by law of karma all choices are inherently conditioned, by environment or past etc.
So are our choices such an independent selections as we always take them for granted to be?
On other hand its good, if we are divinely guided then wonderful miracles will happen.
That could hardly occur in an ego will "guided" life.

My take on will is that is actually name for sum of processes to actualize a desire. As I did not found an esoteric energy or quality called will. Even while I completed many trainings of will in many traditions. So I had time to contemplate will.

Also a desire implies choice. Thus we perceive sometimes will and choice as equal.
But what if there is no choice in certain life instances? Would you call that drive still a will?
Maybe it is more a semantic question only.
Seeing that instead of will we could use in some case words desire or choice instead of a more abstract word will. To gain more insight what or where is the challenged ego bit inside us.

Faith and taking good care of us is essential. Trusting that the evolution energy is guided by the divine principle that knows what is needed. And that there is a new better state that will dawn on us after the transformation stage.
Many strange inner experience are best seen as signs, at lest in mediative community, to perhaps do some improvements in ones path or to expand ones knowledge. There are not there to obsess over them or worry or for taking them personally.
That would be like garbing and obsessing over finger pointing at the moon and not looking where it points.

Love,
Duu

[surf]

Thank you for your words and advice