An Interactive Guestbook

Dear Mystress Angelique,

may I first introduce myself: My name is Marco, I am 33 years old and come from Germany. The reason why I am writing to you in this forum is that I have come to the conclusion that my heart Chakra seems to be blocked or traumatized. I have been on the spiritual path for quite some time as I have been working with a Swami of Saraswati-lineage (also through an online-format) for 4 years now. I have been practicing Kriya-Yoga and other techniques from the South and North Indian tantric tradition and have been even announced to be a teacher of this tradition 2 years ago. However I have always denied to do any teaching as in my opinion someone who is not fully enlightened or has a fully awakened shakti is like a blind man leading the blind and can not assist students properly in their awakening. As I always wanted to work with people I did Coaching-training, acquired academic titles and am now in psychological training as well and even as some psychic phenomena sometimes seem to happen when  am around, I feel disconnected from cosmic wisdom and the power of Shakti. I am desperately seeking for my vocation and can not find it. I have even had visions of Shakti e.g. one where I had a lucid dream in which she came to my as gigantic golden snake and told me that I should be prepared for her coming and also during a shamanic journey where she addressed me as "her child". During one of the exercises at my last weekend seminar that was about "letting go" I realized my problem: We were taking turns in lying on a bench and were taking turns in laying on hands. The recipient was lying on a bench and the others were trying to send loving energy to the person lying on the bench. In the midst of this heart centered energy, the recipient should say (if it was possible for him) "I am letting". As we were 12 people, among them an initiated shaman and some Reiki-healers there was of course a strong energy present. As it was my turn to lie on the bench, I felt the energy from head to toe - but not in my heart. It almost felt as if I had a rock in my chest aorund which the waters of psychic energy were flowing. After the ritual I cried bitterly as I noticed that my heart center is blocked and this may be the reason for my strong intellectualization of things, my problems with women, and why I always think that I do not know enough. It is because I do not feel a heartful connection to others. I literally felt numb afterwards and was really sad about this fact. As it was turn for some of the others to let go, some of them cried during the whole process and I felt nothing! Nada! I did not care for those people at all in this moment. I had a long discussion with Stefan (the shaman) afterwards and he indicated that a certain trauma might have led to this blockage and he also mentioned that he thinks that I am of utmost spiritual talent but that my energy is stuck in the head and has not much connection to my heart. I also feel since quite some time also disconnected from my spiritual teacher as he is  as a Samkhyan philosopher of a very intellectual nature and as I told him my problem he said that I should do psychoanalysis! Three to five years on the couch?? No way! PS: Recently I met a very fascinating woman, a true Shakti that told me the same when we "experimented" .Interestingly she has been active in the BDSM scene. I have never thought that BDSM could be that interesting as I always thought of myself as being of a rather devout nature. But she said that I have surpressed my male energy and that I am not able to let got and that I would be a natural dom. As I have never been exposed to BDSM I was fascinated and frightened at the same time as I thought all of this to be unspiritual. Today I have started practicing your Grounding exercise and enjoy it very much. Maybe you could provide me with some information about how to dissolve this blockage and I also thought about taking your Fire Serpent Tantra-course. This would however mean to discontinue my training with my current teacher but I think that I am making no progress. Please could you give me some advice on how to open myself up to Shakti! I apologize for this long entry. I hope you will read it.

Best wishes from Germany,
Marco

Uppss..sorry...well that is what can happen if you use a foreign language: In my question I mention the word "devout". What I wanted to use was the word "submissive". As the German word for submissive is "devot", I thought that "devot" and "devout" are quite the same. Do not worry, though I am a born Catholic I am not a devout one :-)

Best wishes,
Marco

Apparently Gatauma the Buddha,although having attained the highest state of liberation and Nirvana or the seventh body,still had this habit of running around and occasionallly screaming .Maybe he still,having attained the ultimate freedom,had some kind of trauma or something.Love,Sushi

Osho was addicted to diet coke,I know that.I love it too.

Sorry Sushi!

Wrong topic...Obviously my topic is not so interesting...still hoping for some usefull comments sigh*......

Hello Marco!

Blockages in the heart are common (I've experienced it myself as well, so I know what you are going through)  I get the feeling of a shape inside you functioning a bit like a closet. You've put a lot of things inside there that were too hard to deal with at the time, locked it and thrown away the key. However, it can be opened, and cleared! I'm surprised that none of the teachers you were in touch with offered any sort of tools to help clear your blockage?

There are a few things I'd like to ask you to do.

Keep doing the grounding excercise as often as you can!

Also, when you have the time, do the heart chakra opening in this excercise too, as much as you can. Make sure to do it where you can be undisturbed.

Also it'd be very good if you read through these pages:

http://kundalini-teacher.com/guidance/heart.php
http://kundalini-teacher.com/guidance/entit.php
http://kundalini-teacher.com/guidance/clearent.php

Blockages are caused by karma. The material on the site about karma, and how to clear it, is very beneficial as well. Read through the material carefully in the karma section, starting with.

http://kundalini-teacher.com/karma/karma1.php

I think that Fire Serpent Tantra would be excellent for you. Because of Mystress, it has influences of BSDM in it.  Why would FST require you to discontinue your current training?  Unless he requires exclusiveness of course.  I'm a student and graduate of FST, but also a yoga teacher. Just because I practice kriya yoga and bhakti yoga doesn't mean I need to give up FST or other way around, I find they compliment each other.

Your blockages will clear in time. In fact, when you wrote your post, your intent already started the process!  I would also recommend activities that are less head-based. If you are devotionally inclined, I'd warmly recommend delving into singing, chanting.. traditional mantras and kirtans if you feel inclined, or western contemporary if that's what you enjoy better. What matters, is that you bring yourself into a feeling space as often as possible. Try to go from thinking about things, to feeling about them instead, and see what happens.

Namaste!
Gustaf

Sushi, please try to keep your responses relevant to the thread, or start a new thread. Thank you

Dear Gustaf,

thank you very much for your reply. I am very grateful for your comments and I must say that I found them very insightful. Probably one possibility to judge the quality of a teacher is to have a look at the students and after reading your reply I must say that Mystress Angelique Serpent has obviously a lot to offer. I have been practicing the grounding exercise for a few days now and I have to say that already a lot is going on in myself. I already mentioned that I had met a women some time ago of whom I thought (and still think) that she might be my Shakti but I noticed also that in order to sustain a working relationship with a woman of the highest quality I have to be open and self-confident myself. A man can only give true love to a woman when his heart is open and while on the one hand I am currently suffering from the loss of her love I came also to the understanding that a woman is the true iniatory force in a man's life and that a true tantric initiation in a man can only be given by a woman. Therefore I am more than convinced that this course may be very useful for me. There is only one question I still have and I hope you might not consider this question to be overly naive: One of the karmic burden that I have to carry in this current life is that I am a virgo and we virgos tend not only to be intellectual but often overly concerned about their health. Though I am at this current level nowwhere near of achieving this state I was still a little concerned about the fact that the final initiation of the course "the Holy Grail" , seems to be lifting the resting pulse to 80 beats. 80 beats as I know are on the upper scale of what medical doctors would consider to be normal therefore I am just a little curious whether this initiation might be detrimental to the overall health. I remember reading a book by the Japanese parapsychologist Hiroshi Motoyama who had researched that healers ( he reasearched the faith-healers of the Phillipines) tend to die at a very early age, usually in their 50s or early 60s of cardiac diseases. He ascribed this fact to the overworking of the heart chakra during healing work. Therefore I was a little surprised to read this as my resting pulse has considerably lowered after taking up Yoga and meditation. As I guess that you have obviously recieved this initiation could you shed some light on this experience and how it has influenced your overall well-being? Another spiritual teacher I always truly admired was e.g. Dr Glenn Morris whom Mystress Angelique knew very well as well and he described himself in his book "Path Notes of an American Ninja Master" also as very empathic person and a very gifted healer. As far as I know he died three years ago with 62 due to a heart attack. Therefore I am curious to know whether heart problems is a common problem for healers and  spiritually gifted people that work a lot "from the heart".

Best wishes,
Marco

  Wow Marco, there is a lot here.

  The blockage is only shielding, you probably placed it around your heart to protect it as a child, preferring to use logic instead of emotion to base your decisions on. I would not call it trauma so much as your reaction to events, and people sometimes tend to over react to things, especially in childhood.  Angry people always think they are right, and often do stupid things... but people are always doing the best they can, for who they are and where they are at.  

  With awareness it fades. I think your heart is fine, it is doing its job but the bubble you placed around it prevents you from feeling it.

  Personally, I mostly prefer not to receive energies from other people, I have plenty of energy from Source and I get enough weird bits of people incoming anyway with wayward empathy. Laying in a circle of 12 healers of various backgrounds trying to fix me is a situation I would absolutely avoid. Your heart was not open to their manipulations, sounds like a good idea to me! 

  I am fairly certain Dr. Glenn didn't attain the grail; for martial artists to drop dead suddenly of heart attack is  typical. I have various theories about this that I don't want to go into; but I think part of the difference is Macrocosmic orbit vs grounding, and Shakti focus vs chi based work. Not that he was not awakened or a powerful Shaktipat master, but I feel it is better to discontinue most chi-based work when Kundalini awakens.

  You assume the Phillipine healers were heart based; it is more likely they were power chakra based and the repression of their hearts caused thier early demise.  Few types of healing are genuinely heart based because the heart sees perfection, it is ego that makes a hero trip.

  Not every graduate attains the Grail. I trust that is as Goddess Wills. It may be they are not yet ready or it might not be right for them. I can shaktipat the grail but choose not to.  I have done so only once in the last decade.. and for that person, the grail comes in meditation or states of awareness but does not appear to have become constant as mine is.

  I was not initiated into the grail by anyone. I am a Shaman, spirits guided me to enact a ritual, I had no idea the Grail would be part of the outcome.  Two years later I was given a much simpler ritual for people to invoke it in themselves. If they are ready and it is right for them, it works... sometimes if they are not quite ready it works but they get a bumpy ride of a lot of karma triggered at once, but it resolves itself fairly soon. There are also students who take the course and get great benefit but choose not to graduate. 

  The grail can open spontaneously, it is a stage or attainment of Kundalini awakening. I encountered one awakened woman a few years ago who had retired from her business early on Doctors advice because their stress tests could not increase her pulse rate from 80bpm.. they wanted to install a pacemaker which she wisely refused. I always tell MDs that my pulse is steady at 80bmp and that it is a yoga attainment. Not sure if they believe me, but they do not question it or express concern.

   I put no faith in astrology, blaming your intellectual nature on the patterns of stars sounds like an excuse to not take responsibility for yourself.   If palm lines mean anything, my life lines go all the way down to the lines of my wrist.  The grail is associated with longevity and I believe a heart attack is not possible. It is Goddess' pacemaker. I think my heart will keep on beating long after the rest of me has fallen apart with extreme old age!

  I am extremely healthy: I havent had a cold or flu in a decade, during flu season I feel a bit wierd for an afternoon and thats it.  Injuries tend to heal with unusual speed and my circulation is excellent.  I do have a lot of allergies and am sensitive to environmental toxins like dust, mold or solvent fumes, plus a few congenital disorders that are in my DNA. I would not say it is the cure all of legend, nor that it confers immortality, but it does give unusual good heath.

Average resting pulse rate is 60-100 bpm, maximum heart rate is 220- your age. So if 80 bpm might be a slightly higher than optimum resting rate, it also makes an amazing maximum rate... and that is the real issue with bpm and particularly exercise-induced heart attack.  With intense exercise I feel my heart beat stronger, not faster.

   I do not make an effort to persuade people to enroll in FST, I prefer my students to be drawn to the work by the will of their own heart and soul. There is no used-car sales pitch of persuasion because I am respectful of free will.  My work is focused on personal empowerment, teaching people to be their own guru and it starts with your own choice to take the course if it feels right to you.

  I am glad you have realized Tantra is Female Dominant by its very essence and nature, I am so not impressed by a "tantric priestess" who would suggest a male seeker become dominant over women. That is a really stupid idea. Tantric male dom is an oxymoron, and only a moron would advise or try it.

   In fact, I met someone a few months ago who tried it; male dom using a female avatar to play at being Tantric Priestess for 4 years in the virtual reality... He actually admitted he was trying to be me, and had been feeding on my energy to do it!  Oy. What a moron.  He was the worse case of ego inflation and paranoid Guru psychosis I have encountered personally in many years.   Playing with his erroneous ideas about a type of magic I experimented with and abandoned 9 years ago as a dead end and dangerous, that was never for use by men anyway.

  I have no sympathy for him, he made his bed and can rot in it. I am a little concerned for his seekers but I think he is probably too crazy for anyone to take him seriously. Male ego coveted "my" powers, which are not my own but born of my Shaman DNA and my deep surrender to Divine will... it could never be attained by ego, and certainly not by theft. 

     I know there are some teachers that do not allow students to pursue other areas of study; I am not one.  I will sometimes discourage continuing practices that I see as detrimental, and I usually prefer people to not ask me about other teachers or paths.

   Blessings,...

Dear Mystress,

I am immensely grateful for your insightful comments. I joined the FST-course today under the same nickname. I am looking forward to learning more from you.

Best wishes,
your Marco