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I remember a lil while back when i experienced ego death by encountering the death/portal guardian on mushrooms, i posted my experience on this site, and Mystress told me i should'nt be screwing with that stuff no more. Unfortunately, i didnt listen and i continued to trip on these mushrooms. I felt as if I was achieving higher vibration and gained much knowledge and insight on how everything works, reaching the witness state and other chakras. This wore me out quite much. Eventually, I felt as if I became lost within myself, I pretty much lost the sense of "myself". For weeks i felt as if i was floating in the sky or floating in the open ocean, so vunerable. The view was incredible but there was nothing to hold on to, no ground, and fear was there. I felt so dettached from my reality, the people in it, and even my own body. thoughts and visions of my demise were constant. Yet, i still went for another trip, ready to get the shit scared outta me because i kinda knew something like that was coming considering my disposition.

My last trip became a fight for my humanity. My animalistic instinct kicked in and I became hungry for kill and flesh. I experienced the worst desire i had ever experienced in my life. This was hell. I felt the horny goat-god with me the whole way. For weeks i was experiencing intense desire for sex, meat, and kill and the horny goat-god was always with me. Intense energy circulating my body and i felt like i was being shocked, especially in the groin area. Every morning i awoke to the strongest erections i had ever had in my life and they wouldnt go away for a whiles. Ever since that day, I've been experiencing an ache in my right testicle and even my penis feels different to me. Panic overwhelmed as i thought it could be an STD and that threw me deeper into hell. Minor Urinary problems soon followed. i went to the doc to get my testicles checked and he didnt feel anythin abnormal. I looked up on a chakra site and it claimed that a physical disfunction of an umbalanced or blocked sacral chakra included urinary problems but im still not too sure. This has been going on for roughly 2 months, give or take a week or so. the ache in my testicle is on and off, sometimes it feels like a hernia.

If anyone has anything to input that could help me out or at least give me a sense of closure please do because im very scared lol

Much love to all
Blessings

  Yeah, I knew you were not going to listen...

  Had to stop you waving the banners though, since owning the site I accept some spiritual responsibility for the advice offered being good advice and suggesting people experiment with drugs to awaken Kundalini is very bad advice and illegal most places. 

  You should not seek to awaken Kundalini unless you are genuinely ready to turn your whole life over to the will of your Soul.  The Divine within you.  Trying to batter the psychic doors down with entheogens is not surrender, and Kundalini will kick your ass into next week or next year so hard...  might end up in hospital a while.  Don't go there.

  You did anyway. People always do. There are some types of magic I do not teach at all, not even to warn people away from because ego arrogance rules and fools rush in.



   With shadow stuff, simple love and acceptance is all that is required to let the stuff that shows be integrated.  Shadow is defined by Jung as "everything you think you are not."  Remember you are All that Is and accept what comes with gratitude or unconditional love and it changes.

    The wild beast you found is inside everyone, it is part of our passion and creativity, our vitality. The horned gods specifically come through men: its part of the male nature.  Consort to the Goddess.  You.

   It showed up when you were afraid and you resisted and rejected it, thats why its chasing you and pulling on your balls.  Its a vital part of you, so ou cannot reject it and still be whole .  Its an initiation experience that sometimes happens after ego death, a positive thing over all.  It is done deliberately on some pagan paths, choosing the God for the duration of that degree before initiation but I really feel its better if the Deity chooses you. Goddess knows best who to send to give your ego  a band aid teacher God to identify with while you sort out the issues of the chakra you blew open and try to learn to adjust to your changed consciousness.  You asked for something to anchor you, you got an old earth God to teach you about a passionate life. 

  The God who claims you, challenges your trust.  You have to open your arms and give him love and acceptance, honour him and  thank him for being there for you.  He is an essential part of you.  Then the violence of the battle fades, because it is only a reflection of the violence of your rejection of this part of yourself. Pan can be a gentle God, he loves music and romance and... well, intoxicants...

    If it follows true to pattern the horned God will guide and train you, mostly as an internal presence of wisdom and passion for a year and a day.. . seeing the world coloured by his vitality.  Longer if you wish it unless another Archetype shows up after that time to represent the next chakra opening, or stage of your path. .. or you learn to live without needing an identity.     

   Goddess still comes first, always but you blasted a door open and awakened an archetype who claims your service in order to reflect back at you what issues need to be released for you to find better balance and wholeness. Honour and welcome pan, then give to him your dysfunctional male parts as service.   You prayed for help, Goddess sent him.  Is all good.

  Blessings... 
 

mhm this is very interesting. Mystress thank you so much, i greatly appreciate it really. i will do some research on Pan. any suggestions of links i could look up?

i am so grateful for your reply, and still in need of some guidance, that i am considering on taking some of your courses to further educate myself so as not to fall in the same pit and to further realize my intimacy with Goddess and All That Is.

Donations shall be coming from from my way i can assure.

Again, thank you very much, you have given me a great deal of closure for what has been going on and i am grateful to you Mystress.

much love and blessings

Hi Da Zues Mon,

How's it going with you and Pan? Could you give an update, now that the 'year and a day' has passed? Was / is he more like a guide or did you sort of become him? The reason I'm asking is that I have my own archetypal deity around, and I found your post and the Mystresses reply very helpful.

Greetings,

Hi Wanda. Thank you for checking back on me

Well to start off, I am undoubtedly grateful for Mystresses response as things might've turned out much worse had she not come to my post.(THANKS AGAIN MYSTRESS )

And now I know why, first hand, the word "panic" comes from him

Pan has taught me many things and I am grateful that he showed up. He's alot of fun I can tell ya that . He has awakened me to the primal side of my nature and taught me that it is just as much a part of my spirituality to experience it despite what many cultures, faiths, and beliefs have had to say about the tangible,"material" realm of our existence being unattractive and hindering spiritual development. He's taught me to enjoy these pleasures and to express my animal/primal side of nature without the judgment that I or others have had towards it. The awesomest thing about animals is that they "don't care what people think about them". 
Pan has brought color and vitality to my senses, a passion for life and it's experience. Flourishing is my creativity and spontaneity in all the arts, letting me encompass more of the beauty of the Goddess and her many forms within and all around me.
He's also help me understand, with great intimacy, the realm of the animals and nature. I can more easily communicate with animals especially the mammals and they also teach me since i believe they're acquainted with him. It's like I no longer need a weatherman; nature speaks to me directly. My body is getting the hang of attuning itself with the seasons and it's cycles of birth, death, and regeneration. As well with solar and lunar cycles.

Like we say where I come from, he's my "homeboy" . I don't feel like I "became him" but I most certainly feel more animal from my interactions with him. He also helped me find my power animal(The Bear). He's a friend that will always look out for me. Though i'm not seeing him as often as in the beggining, I can still hear his laughter, so I know he's still around as a guide whenever I need his help(I just got to make sure I don't forget his offerings ). I don't feel separate from him.

There is a "catch" though. I have to eat meat(or else I can get pretty dangerous). My appetite is like that of a bear about to go into hibernation. I'll eat just about anything that's in front of me. My interest in sexuality has gone pretty "extreme". If she's not freaky, "slutty", or wild, then it just won't cut it. lol. It's like I have a powerful wild animal in my backyard and I have to feed it and take it out for walks(vigorous exercise) or else it gets really grumpy. I don't like having it chained up, but unfortunately, modern society would do their best to "put it to sleep" if let out to roam free. And good thing I have it somewhat under control cause if I didnt I'd probably be locked up in jail somewhere! Yeah so I can get really angry and primal sometimes, but feed me a steak and caress my body and I'll feel all better .

My current study in the Way of martial arts is doing very good for me in helping me focus and direct this energy in a positive way. My body has strengthened and my will and instinct has sharpened. I dont even look the same as i did before my experiences with Pan; I had a more "feminine" structure to my body before. My body has took a more masculine shape and posture. I've noticed that many males, particularly the younger ones, look up to me in a father-inspired way. They yearn to encompass that side of their nature within themselves, as do some women.

In the beginning, I PANicked. I thought I had completely lost my humanity and sold my soul from the fall of grace of the more "celestial" realms where I was dwelling in the higher chakras. Now, I am seeing a grander picture. With great compassion and courage.

Hey! Have any else had contacts with Horned God? I had problems with the creature years ago, when it quite forcely popped into my life. It was during shamanichelang-ritual I was doing, and Cernunnos came there. Patient was having major problems with the creature. Overloaded sexdrive and acting like sexual predatory is not necessarily improving social life. It may feel fun to take all lusts that exists but it may become costly - uncontrolled lifestyle, leading into addictions.

Problems I had was during sex, because I became a bit possessed by god and woman I was at the time did not much like the thing. Being possessed means here, that I was not fully there, but the god in person (more or less). She preferred more to have sex with me than that horny old goat.

Horned God may bring many problems into relatioships, when it manifests itself the first time. After many years it have had no such impact anymore, it's presence may be subtle and supporting instead of taking control/possessing. Anyways I prefer much more having feminine and masculine energies balanced, than giving total dominance to any of those two. Life is easier that way. Creativity, sensitivity, stabilty, confidence should walk together in my liking.

And from own experience Cern is like goddess, a god before any other gods. As goddess is like a creator, forming borders where time and place exists, it is this primal, uncotrolled sexual energy of Horned God, which is the flame of inspiration, heat and passion, giving the seeds for anything at all to really grow.
I draw his essence and kept it as a logo for my enterprise.
www.mesiainen.com/

At one point of strong strees I seemed to get glimpse of contact with Anu, I guess Cern's counterpart, but it was more of colours of red and black, when Cern showed himself wearing blue and yellow. I heard, that males should not usually have contacts with her, unless in case of psychosis, which was not far at the time.

But if anyone have personal experiences of any of these two, I would like to hear, or any other links, information. I have tried to find, but not much. About Cern something, but from Anu quite none.

  Herne the hunter has manifested claiming a relationship with a few of my male students.  He is beneficial, a gentler form usually than Pan.

  I am feeling its important to point out that the Horned Gods are typically balanced by the Green Gods.  In some traditions they are called Oak King and Holly King, and their rein swaps at the solstices, The Oak king of summer is associated with the horned God and his rein begins with lengthening days at winter solstice. The Holly King's rein begins with shortening days at summer solstice, and hes associated with the Greenman, God of plant kingdom and the bountiful fall harvest. They are both fertility Gods and the domain of one is animals and the other of plants. 

   In this way you balance the animal side of your nature with the peace and ancient wisdom of trees.  Time to become a tree hugger!  Google "Greenman" and read about how he appears almost universally, from Celtic to Sufi to Maya. Skip any rituals you encounter, and just give love and spiritual communion with big old trees, and celebrating the beauty of plants around you.

does living in the tropics by the equator effect these cycles? and the availability of prana and shakti?

Alot of it makes sense to me though.

I feel like my tank has been gased out after spending that year with Pan. Will giving attention to the Greenman help me regain some of my vitality and energy? I hope so. Sometimes I fear I can't. my organs feel exhausted and i fear i've spent too much, but i have such a will to rebuild.. Perhaps letting go of all these expectations and hopes and opening myself up to nature and the present moment will do a miracle for me and i will be renewed as the months go on...

I have noticed i have been spending more time outside. i LOVE the cold weather (or whatever they call it in Florida ). i have long awaited winter's arrival.
I can hear the faeries nagging me to go outside and it usually helps me out when I hit hermit-type moods and tend to hide inside my shell, my home.

Perhaps the Bear inside me just needs to "hibernate".