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Hello.
I am wondering if anyone has had a similar experience, or has heard of similar experience, that I will relate. I would also be interested to know of any thoughts on what to do about it. That being stated I'll go to the 'meat' of the concern. That is as follows, I have been known to get infrequent visions. These particular visions are rather disturbing in the fact that I can 'see' myself in 3rd person and it has to do with a real life situation that just happened, the visions (when they occur) often take place within seconds of a real life situation and depict me doing the worst, most disturbing thing possible. I have never acted upon them, nor would I willingly do so but they are disturbing to say the least and have lived with them half of my life. The reason for them being disturbing is often it shows me performing negative actions that often hurt others. As far as I can clearly remember, it has never been a physical pain but emotional pain of saying or doing something that hurts someone in an emotional sense. 

The only other piece that immediately comes to mind about this is that I have attempted meditation and it has yet to work for me, I had consistently been instructed in a top down pattern rather than the reverse, which I haven't a good idea how to perform such or if I would even be doing it right if I were to attempt it.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and Namaste.

Hi,
That you observed such ideas and didn't act on such thoughts its good.
In my experience when something similar occurred. It came from me feeling trapped and was in a psychological no exit situation. But in me unfortunately they soon turned toward self aggression and that was not really an advancement.
So I would see such a thing as last resort calling of your higher self to adjust your path in life more to alignment of what is the  more desired path for you. Away form what can be in your life an unpleasant physical or psychological prison whit at least subjectively perceived lack of choice to get out.
So meditate little bit about areas of your life that make you feel good and areas that make you feel not so good. And then find areas where perhaps you find something like a no exit, no choice situation. And work to add choice and love and light there.
So try grounding and surrender methods provided here. Also very fruitful would be the clearing of entities.

Love,
Duu

  Shadow stuff.

  I find this sort of stuff - persistent hostile mental voices - come from a bit of identity that got disconnected from the main part of consciousness and now speaks of its content to get your attention because it seeks to be re-integrated. The content of shadow is that which we think we are not, and there is a tendency for ego to push into shadow, that which does not align with desired self image. What is pushed into shadow, becomes stronger as you have discovered... and being in shadow you lose control over it. 

   What you did you can also undo, if you are willing to take responsibility. The resolution is not difficult, it just takes some kindness towards yourself and internal inquiry. Remember, some decision you made, probably in childhood pushed this part of yourself into shadow and separation. You would probably say hateful things too if locked in a cold dark place alone for years. So approach this part of yourself with the gentleness and acceptance you would give to a traumatized child who has been locked in a closet for so long she has become afraid to come out. Be extra nice because you are the jailer. No use being mad at yourself for it either, you were just a kid doing the best you could.

Little girls are taught, "if you cannot say anything nice, do not say anything at all" and it makes some throat blockages in women. So next time these hostile thoughts come to mind, invite the source of them to show itself and talk to you. Invite it to share its memories of when it was created in you. Apologise to it for the rejection and invite it to re integrate with you. 

  You may be concerned that the integration will make you more likely to act on the thoughts but it does not work out that way, once its no longer in shadow it is no longer an issue.  When the fragment is integrated you feel more whole and the passive aggressive thoughts will fall silent. This might not happen overnight but be patient with yourself and continue with the gentle inquiry about the source of the thoughts, it may reveal itself in pieces, testing to see if you will really accept it. Pay attention to what memories come up, and to your dreams.

  On a more general note, history and even modern times sometimes label these identity fragments as demons or entities, but there are no demons and entities and not powerful enough to affect your thoughts in such a specific way. Only your own shadow stuff can do that and its expressions of hate and anger are a reflection of the rejection of that part of yourself that caused the split. Efforts at exorcism are just another rejection, and just drive the pattern deeper underground.

  Be gentle with yourself too, and do not assume or look for some big memory of trauma: you will only get inventive with false memory syndrome.  Remember, kids can get into a screaming fury, even suicidal over stuff adults would not blink at. At some point as a child you got really mad at yourself and said "never never" and pushed part of yourself into the mirror world of shadow where never became always. 

  I don't have letters behind my name to be judging sanity. From the inside, identity seems like a seamless whole, but from a shaman's point of view most peoples head is more like a collective, with different parts handing different jobs. It is normal, and so long as all the team contributes to the same pool of memories, its fine. Its when people start losing time because part of themselves that does not share memories took charge for a while its a problem.

   Let us know how it goes.