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[lookingforanswers]

You know I've done alot of searching on the net, finding many sites just like this, but so many that were fake. I've sent many emails, looking for answers never to get a reply. So its nice to find some good information, and thank you to all that have been involved in its creation.

Ok, a lil history about myself. I'm 23, and live in the US, around the time I was 14 or so I began to feel my kundalini energy. At the time I didnt understand it at all, it would come when i would listen to music that for lack of better words, touched my soul. I've been deep and open minded, but this was something new and wonderful. Each time I would do it it would be more powerful and exciting. Luckily my Mother was very much into eastern religion and beliefs, so I had information to feed my interest in this new found "connection". It didnt make me feel special, well a little bit, or better than anyone as at the time I was dealing with social acceptances period....I wasnt popular. But I didnt care, I did my own thing, and this was a part of it. I never really shared it with others, as when I would their facial expressions show me the walls they put up excluding all but their own beliefs....I could have been speaking martian for all they cared.
As I've grown older I've learned to "charge my energy" on command....usually within seconds. And the feeling....its amazing....like pure raw energy is travelling up my spine and outward to the tips of my fingers and the top of my head. It took me well into my twenties to learn the word Kundalini, so for the longest time...this was just my energy. Recently I've been learning to channel it through my arms and outward....its soo powerful sometimes it makes me cry, but in a good way. And it hasnt all come with smiles....learning to control this has been tough, and honestly I'm not there yet. I have very very vivid dreams, that seem so prophetic they leave me thinking about them for the whole day. I've dealt with off and on depression, but I always know it goes away and its for no reason. And through all of this I've come to realise I need guidance on this journey. Surely there are others like me, who have been there gone through the same thing....and here you guys are.  
Maybe now some of my questions can be answered!
First....where should I start? I read alot that it takes some people years to connect....but why do I  feel it immediatly...as if its on tap. I feel I need to start at the beginning and if there are any good reading sources please let me know. Where do I go with this? How can I balance myself more to let go of foolish material wants and focus on this (my awakening) which seems more real to me than anything else? There so much I want to say here, but finding words for it all just isnt working tonite!
Anyways, I look forward to speaking with you all. Thank you for your time..
zack

[Mystress]

Zack:

  You think progress lies in learning to control the energy, and that is the source of your problems. It is wonderful that you can invoke it at will,  but stop there, and do not send it outwards to other people! If you do then you are being Guru for them, their karma flows to you, and it is not fun... especially if you are not yet at a place to actually BE Guru and process it as it comes in, without falling into depression, emotional instability or delusions.  You can send it to yourself in the mirror if you like, but mostly send it into your own heart. That is where the inner Guru is, your own best guide.

 The energy has its own, infinite intelligence, and it does not need you to control it: that is just ego resistance being sneaky. Learn to get grounded, and instead of controlling, see what the energy does on its own.  

  The prophetic dreams are probably karma on the way out... focusing on them all day keeps it stuck. Let go of the dreams, don't try to understand them.... then if there is to be understanding, it will come on its own, inspiration.

  The bliss of awakening is a blessing, but there is some danger associated with hammering the bliss button as hard as you can, over and over.  Sometimes the body cannot take it, I have met people who burned out their adrenals and other metabolic/stress glands like the thymus, ended up with chronic fatigue disorders and worse.

 Every time you invoke the energy, it rises to trigger your karma, and karma is emotional crap and physical toxins. Falling into depression is a clear signal you triggered more crap than you could process.  

  I understand you had some urgency of frustration- community of other awakened people is a huge help and comfort along the path, but you have found us now, so chill... get grounded, start being more gentle on yourself.  Trying to hurry the process just causes problems, it is an ego issue.

  Welcome...

[lookingforanswers]

Mystress,
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my call. Its means a great deal to me that you would respond. I actually checked all day until I saw your post! To tell you the truth I hadnt read your bio until after I read your response. At first I just had a feeling about this web site, and I listened to it posted what I did. There have been many times I've written things just like that, and when it came time to send it or post it....I just didnt. Its been very comforting reading your story, as its similar to mine. We moved to europe when I was 9, and living there was a beautiful experience. Norway is such a beautiful country, with beautiful people. I was fortunate to have my early years in school spent there, with teachers that cared and encouraged students to learn. I loved the outdoors, and really felt connected to something when I go camping or spend any time in the woods. Everything was beautiful to me now that I look back at it. From the waves hitting the rocks near the beach by our house, or even just the green moss that would grow on the rock fences separating land. The culture was so...familiar and comfortable to me. In my life I've found those times have been the greatest gift of all, so innocent and memorable. And it was there that I discovered Buddhism books in my mothers room, and most importantly the Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield. This book was what truly sparked my interest and ignited something within me. I felt very connected to the story, read it over and over. It was then that I would try and meditate, connect with my energy as I read in the book.
Looking back I feel now that the book wasnt so good as it preaches the same hero story. When I first really started to feel a connection to something,  around 13 or 14 the story and these feelings fueled my ego. And while I didnt not act this way, or think I acted this way deep inside I started to feel I was this special person with a special mission.... the only one. It was this reason I think that I never truely reached out and tried to find others like me. I was the only one......in my mind. And CP definitely fueled this. But there was a struggle beginning inside me. At the age of 15 we moved back to texas, and I began life in public schools. What a wake up call this was, and a complete culture shock. We were deep in the heart of the bible belt, the panhandle of texas. I was so different than everyone else, not because of my spiritual ideas, but culturally. Norway was like Mars compared to how these "kids" acted. I remember being disgusted at the actions of everyone, but subconsciously this culture began to get its grips on me. I found myself wanting more and more to be liked, to be popular, to have the girls you know all of that. But for my first semester there I was a nobody. At first I enjoyed being alone and doing my hobbies. But when I turned 16 I got my first car...a brand new one too, and the teeth of materialism sunk in. Having a new car in the school I was in, was like a VIP card. Suddenly everyone said hello, everyone waved and asked about me. I got my first girlfriend and my walk down that path began. I was still interested in my spirituality but now that I look at it I was letting go more and more soon it was just a voice that I hardly listened too.
But the voice grew louder again, and around 18 and 19 when I was going through some very very difficult and wild times in my life it came back. Slowly at first, but as before every time I listened to certain songs my energy would spike amazingly. Its been a few years since that time, and the same blocks that kept me from pursuing anything further were still there. You were so right, I was and have been trying to control the energy. To be this "Master" this king of it. My ego ran wild with this energy, thinking I was so special and honestly all the while knowing I was lieing to myself.

I suddenly just realized how much of this I have wrote, and sorry for that. Fear kept me from writing all of this last night, and its not something I generally just talk about...especially over a forum on the internet. But something inside of me is saying go with it...and I'm listening to that. I think its best you know my journey in greater detail, and honest while it was difficult typing the first words, it feels good to tell the story.  The time of my ego must come to a close, as inside I look at my life now and see how unbalanced and ungrounded I really am.

So tonite I started reading the grounding page, alot of the others looked interesting but as I started to glance over them something said...you must start from the beginning and ignore the rest. The first thing I did was take some deep breaths and say goddess I need your help. Please guide me and help me open up. As I said this, and even now as I'm typing my energy is/was spiking. I felt myself letting go of something that I cannot put my finger on now, and my energy spiked so intensively....my eyes even started to tear. Then it stopped...I'm trying now to think exactly what it was that entered my mind, but I cant remember it. I then started to imagine the sun and it hitting me, but couldn't. I just couldn't clear my mind and focus. My neck muscles started to tighten up right at the base of my skull and down my neck, like a physical block. How can I clear my mind, and just let go? I want to...I really do. But I just couldn't right then. I think I will try some more tonite before I go to sleep and tomorrow as well. I know I can do it, but something was blocking me. Perhaps connecting in the way that I have has been a bad habit, and this is just breaking it? You know kind of like learning to jump before you can walk. Although I will tell you, you page about grounding is definitely highly charged. I didn't feel it at first but the more words i read the greater and greater my energy spiked.

You know i was just reading my words, and a thought just to me....I need to chill....

I am hurrying...just like you said. I think I will just try again, and slower this time.

One question, I dont always make the healthiest choices on diet and I'm trying to change that. I know somethings make me feel lighter and more energized and I would like to know what kind of diet I should follow to help cleanse my body of toxins and live healthier. Everyone seems to have an opinion on this and my diet is something I want to get right immediately. What would you suggest?

Anyways, I know this is alot to read! Guess I got a little carried away ! Theres actually alot more I wanted to write....but it goes back to hurrying. I want to take take this all one step at a time and do it right.  I cannot deny my true self any longer.

Thank you again, I value your wisdom. Looking forward to talking more with you, goodnight.
Zack

[Mystress]

  Diet: I don't make those decisions for people. Ask your body.
http://kundalini-teacher.com/symptoms/stomach.html

 You may want to start keeping a journal. Writing is a good way to release stuff, and being able to examine your thoughts written down helps you to get to know yourself better... as you discovered! You also have the option to not show the journal to other people... but it will become a cherished archive of your personal journey. Biography writing can be good therapy, and it is especially interesting to read again a few years later and see how all your opinions and perspectives have changed.  

 I like TCP, despite the hero trip that is especially present in the second book. The power game analysis is especially valuable.  Fact is, hero-savior tendencies are a normal phase of Kundalini. Some folks get too attached and never do grow past it, so it is good you are getting clearer.

 Yeah, chill.    Take my FST course, if it calls to you. url in my sig. Blessings!

[lookingforanswers]

You are very right with the Journal, I kept one throughout my "crazy years" from 18 -20. And it is very interesting to look back at my ideals and behavior.

I did like the first TCP as well, and you are right the power game between the main character and majorie is very valuable. One of my most wonderful and painful relationships was exactly that....a power struggle of energy.

I am very interested in your course. I am going to look over it some more and then contact you.
Zack

[tiny_sounds]

Hey Zack,

my name is Jack and I have been struck by how amazingly similar our stories are. I, too am 23 and am recovering from (re-aligning, whatever you wanna call it) my 'crazy years' of 18-20. Although mine were slightly different in so much as mine were drug fulled, but also pumped with the same ego ride. I was discovering my energy and went for a crazy ride with it. But eventually I burned myself out completely. I went from someone with all the confidence in the world, to someone who couldn't even make eye contact with his own parents. On top of that, I had to feel the disappointment of those who loved me. WOW. That was hard. Especially for my Dad. The whole thing has triggered a world of shit for him and Im getting it all. Long. Anyway.....................

Vivid / lucid dreams that leave you thinking about them for days / weeks / months after them. Being able to shoot the energy from your hands, mega ego, depression, crying, empowerment, the want for it all right now, thinking 'I need to chill'. HA! It's funny really.
It just goes to show, once you open up to this, it really does shake people in a very similar way.

I've been to one of Mystress' weekends and I found it very enlightening. The grounding thing is very important. The more you ground, the more relaxed it makes you, the less you want, la la la. You begin to realise that there really isn't anywhere else worth sitting than your own heart. You can look out with your awareness of energy, see other peoples, understand the nature of it, have some idea of what it can allow you to become. But the only way we can really enjoy it, is to sit in our own heart, in our own love and ride that. A lot of the rest either leaves you with, karma to deal with, ego to struggle with and a wealter of other shit.

I personally am starting to realise how everything negative in my life is my inner world manifesting. This is one of those things that I've always thought I've understood and intergrated into my life. But never really have. So much shit for me is about my judgement on other people and that all boils down to judgement on myself. This ultimately leaves me completely powerless and is my reason for how 'stuck' I've been for a while. If you look at, judge, nit pick and deconstruct every little thing you and those around you do, it sticks, and drags you down till you come to a screetching halt.

Mystress always says, 'ask Goddess to take it.' That works. Also try hard not to sit in any self image. Instead sit in possibility. The possibility to be. Ahhhhhhh, what a sweet thought. Or rather, a sweet reality.

Anyway, I've flapped long enough. We really do have a lot in common.   Look foward to sharing some more,

take care,
Jack

[lookingforanswers]

Jack,
That you for sharing, we're far more alike than you think. My 18 thru 20 was exactly the same...I to fueled this time was massive amounts of drug use and chasing ideas for the love. I did so much to impress others, I guess all for their energy or attention. And I think subconciously I knew what I was doing so I drowned out the thought with drugs and alcohol and partying. But it just took more and more from me... leaving me feeling exactly the opposite from what I wanted to feel, and completely drained.

 Its funny, today I broke up with my girlfriend because I realise how meaningless to me all the relationships around me have become. They all were ways I could have felt loved....in some way....and yet I have not been first loving myself. And I sat here having just returned home from doing such and trying to let go of this and give it all to the goddess, when the thought came "you know you truely feel alone right now" (sneaky ego). So thank you for sharing as it has destroyed that idea and allowed me just now to let something go I havent in a long time. Your post had my energy soaring, and it let out some tears I've held back. We are all so connected if we just take the time to see it for what it is, and not for what it isnt.

I too judge far to frequently, and nit pick. I guess I thought if I could figure it out I wouldnt do it again...but alas I fall into the same path only just around the next bend. I just need to let it go...

This so exciting sharing and finding others....thanks dude!

Zack